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April's Jokes 2000 John joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" John replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. John continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits
down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent,
hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge
John replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins John around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. John rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" John says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..... John replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
Givenchy Boots There was this Italian walking down the street with a pair of shiny new Givenchy boots. He saw a beautiful woman wearing a miniskirt. He promptly slid his foot under her skirt and asked, "Hey Baby, are you wearing pink underwear?" Embarrassed she replied, "How can you tell the color of my underwear?" The Italian scoffed, "Haha! I can see the reflection in my shiny new Givenchy boots!" She slapped him in the face and stormed off. Undaunted, the Italian walked to another gorgeous woman who happened to be wearing another miniskirt. Again, he slid his foot under her skirt and asked, "Hey baby, are you wearing green underwear?" "Why yes, how can you see the color of my underwear?" Again his reply, "Haha! I can see the reflection in my shiny new Givenchy boots." She promptly slapped him in the face and stormed off. Yet again, the Italian found another gorgeous woman wearing a miniskirt, so he asked, "Hey, Baby - what happened to your underwear?" She asked, "How can you tell I'm not wearing any underwear?" The Italian said, "Oh thank God! I thought I had a crack in my shiny new Givenchy boots!"
Q: How was copper wire invented? A: 2 Jews fighting over a penny!
THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND: NO MORE CANADIAN WINTERS The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
Q: Why do so many men use dial soap? A: Because dial spelled backwards is extreme happiness.
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog: Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Rancher: "This dog don`t talk!" Cowboy: "Hey dog, how`s it going?" Dog: "Doin alright" Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)" Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Rancher: (Look of disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Rancher: "Horses don`t talk!" Cowboy: "Hey horse, how`s it goin?" Horse: "Cool." Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Rancher: (total look of amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?" Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain`t nothin but liars!!!"
Two Italians were sitting in a bus and began an animated conversation. A middle aged woman was sitting behind them as their conversation became loud enough for her to overhear. What she heard was beginning to amuse her and then she heard this: "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." Immediately she jumped up and said "You foul-mouthed swine! In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Newly weds Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button..." The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid." The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day. 6:00 a.m. The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse..." The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, "You're not sanitary; sex is not sanitary." Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call. 6:30 a.m. The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings
it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door
and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly
combed
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up." Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher's husband will be calling any minute. 4:30 p.m. The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe
it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened
the door, and Joe took a step back in shock. The wore only his boxers
and his
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be
sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy
smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get
Q: Know the definition of eternity? A: 4 blonds in 4 cars at aa 4-way stop.
Q: How do you know when you're living in a really bad neighborhood? A: The church has a bouncer.
The 2000 Federal Census for Texas Last name: ________________
What does everyone call you?
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
Spouse's Name:_________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
Number of children living in household:_____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank) Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles that you own: ___ Number of vehicles that still crank: ___ Number of vehicles in front yard: ___ Number of vehicles in back yard: ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___ Firearms you own and where you keep them:
Model and year of your pickup: 196_ Do you have a gun rack?
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____ How often do you bathe:
Color of eyes:
Color of hair:
Color of teeth:
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
How far is your home from a paved road?
To the Bitter End Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah", she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?" "Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian." "What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. "And what did he say?" pressed the father. "God said, 'Funny you should come to me, I've had a similar problem with my son!'"
There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," died last week at 83. It was especially difficult for the family. They had trouble keeping him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and... well you know the rest....!
There once was a young Puritan man, who had a great deal of difficulty remembering the various rules of conduct in his community. He tried hard, but was constantly being ridiculed because of some breach of etiquette. In desperation, he asked an older man to teach him proper manners. The task was formidable, and the older man's patience grew thin, as he had to repeatedly chastise the younger man for his awkward ways. Finally, on the way into church one Sunday, the younger man started
into the building ahead of the older man. He was firmly collared by his
elder, who then allowed a lady to go in ahead of both of them.
The older, losing his temper, screamed, "Canst thou remember nothing? How much easier can it become?" Pointing out the woman who had just entered, he said, . . ."It is I before Thee, except after She!"
A rich man went on a safari. As he was about to enter the jungle, his
guide warned him, "Before we get started, you should know the jungle is
a very dangerous place. There are tigers, poisonous snakes and
"What makes it so dangerous?" the man asked. "The foo bird is a very territorial animal," the guide explained. "if you walk under a tree in which a foo bird nest, it will relieve itself on you." "Well, that certainly doesn't sound like much fun," the man replied, "but it doesn't sound dangerous." "There is more to it than that. You cannot wipe off the feces, or it will cause a chemical reaction that will immediately kill you." Since this made little sense, the rich man had trouble believing it and didn't pay it much mind. A few hours later, they were walking through the jungle and a glob of foo bird feces hit him on top of the head. Before the guide could do or say anything, the man reached up and wiped it off. Sure enough, he dropped dead instantly. The moral of the story is: if the foo sh*ts, wear it.
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery? A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
PORK BREAKTHROUGH Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries; sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines, television, and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as Ground Hog Day.
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher.. I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverrend." The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?" The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Q: Did you hear about the game show contestant who mooned the camera? A: His ass was in Jeopardy.
Man walks into a bar carrying a jumping cable. Barman says "You can have a drink as long as you don't start anything"
Fishing Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles
with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them,
taps one of them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like
to
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know there are steelhead in this river?!
During World War II the Little Moron was drafted into the U. S. Army. He went to Fort Worth for basic training. His blunders resulted in frequent KP duties. In the company's kitchen, his sergeant noticed yet another peculiar behavior. Sergeant: Hey, you little moron, why are you saluting that refrigerator? LM: Sir, I thought it was General Electric, sir.
Q: When does a woman enjoy a man’s company? A: When she owns it.
POOR BILL, THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN! Bill Gates passes this mortal life and to nobody's surprise including his own, arrives in hell. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that. You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young, dark-skinned blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door, and swallows the key. As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan, "the bottle is empty and the girl is RuPaul!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 2000," laughed Satan, "and it's missing three keys!……Control, Alt and Delete."
More Pondering When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"? Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car? Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit"? Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there? When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception? If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode? If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? Why is there always one in every crowd? If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit? Is it possible to have déjà vu and amnesia at the same time? Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop? Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
CHARITY REVERSED Members of the Methodist women's church circle in one Wisconsin town some years ago were disturbed because a widowed church member and her three small daughters were staying away from services. Finding the reason to be a lack of suitable clothes, the ladies' group corrected the situation in a generous manner. When the little girls still failed to appear at Sunday School, some of the ladies called to inquire about their absence. The mother thanked them sweetly for the clothing and explained: "The girls looked so nice, I sent them to the Presbyterian church!"
Screwed The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?"
Q: How can you tell an old man in the dark? A: It ain't hard.
Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting. The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time. The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused. The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?" The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
Q: Why is Bill Clinton so reluctant to deal with the fate of the young Cuban boy? A: Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was almost impeached!
The Tate Family How many members of the Tate family belong to your organization? There is old man Dic Tate, who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro Tate tries to change everything. Their sister-in-law Agi Tate stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi Tate and his wife Vege Tate,
want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi Tate, who wants
your organization to be like all the others. Devas Tate provides
the
And of course, there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu Tate, who has cut himself off from the mainstream! But not all the members of the Tate family are bad. Facili Tate is quite helpful. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici Tate. Cousins Cogi Tate and Medi Tate are always thinking things over and lend helpful, steady hands.
I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all
the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have
his legs checked out. For years, he refused. . . told me I was
But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So, I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, . . ."I stand corrected."
Q: What did the German bisexual woman do? A: Went down on her Hans and niece.
I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks
in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting,
raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some
Milton Berle, affectionately known as "Uncle Miltie", was television's first superstar. Every Tuesday night for twenty years starting in 1948, all commerce would come to a halt on Tuesday nights as everyone found a television set where the family could watch the Texaco Star Theater. But Uncle Miltie had a gambling problem, and in the forties no one had conceived of Gamblers Anonymous for compulsive gamblers. Every week, during rehearsals Berle would play gin rummy between takes and he would always win big. By the time the show aired, he usually had won as much as his weekly salary blitzing his producer. After the show, they would play craps where his luck was always bad,
and by the end of the evening, he would have lost everything he had won
during the week. Everyone connected with the show knew that
The Number "5" I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day. - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start "Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?" I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth."
A simple recipe for nonalcoholic beer: You need two buckets, one case of normal beer, and a horse...
THE PRONOUNCED CURSE An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome." She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands." He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please." Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?" St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day." "Why? Don't they have better things to do?" Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."
Penis Problems A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
[Be careful with THIS one! – Dave] Q: Why shouldn't you have sex with your wife in the morning? A: Because you've got all day to find something better!
My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told her she couldn't make love. Now I'm wondering how he found out.
RULES OF THE OFFICE If it rings, answer it. Talk kindly. If it clanks, call the repairman. If it whistles, ignore it. If it is a friend, take a break. If it is the boss, look busy. If it talks, take notes. If it is handwritten, type it. If it is typed, copy it. If it is copied, file it. If it is Friday, forget it!
If lawyers are disbarred and ministers unfrocked, perhaps electricians get delighted, Far Eastern diplomats disoriented, cashiers distilled, alpine climbers dismounted, piano tuners unstrung, orchestra leaders disbanded, artists' models deposed, cooks deranged, nudists redressed, office clerks defiled, mediums dispirited, dressmakers unbiased.
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T F**KING BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
Q: Have you heard about the new teenage Barbie doll? A: You wind her up and she resents you.
The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
Country Breakfast A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning." Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He started swimming toward the far-off shore, wondering how he could make it safely. As he was swimming, the sharks seemed to make way for him, helping him reach shore safely. We suspect it was professional courtesy.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.' Shut up, barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. Who are you to question that woman's punishment?
A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?" The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on the craft." "Well then," the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?" "Good question," The salesman told him. "You can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or you can just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet." "Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. . . . "It's Row vs Wade."
THE TRUTH ABOUT ECONOMICS: (As taught by liberal professors) A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?" "Doesn't matter," replied the professor. "You must realize that the subject is economics. The answers are different each year!"
"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. "What seems to be the problem?" "My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?" "Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?" "Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!" "Er ... Why don't you take a lover?" "I have! I still don't get enough." "Take another lover." "I did. In fact, I have eight lovers and I still don't get enough sex!" "Gosh, that's an anomaly!" "Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
An elderly married couple had their annual medical exams on the same Day. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is in July and the second time is in December!"
Pfizer Drug Co. has issued a guarantee for Viagra. They'll give you your money back with no hard feelings.
A guy goes into the hospital for exploratory surgery. Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. "So tell me Doc, what did you find out? " The Doctor says, "Son we have some good news and some bad news. " "Yeah, so? " replies the patient. "Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts. " "Yes that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news? " "We put them under your pillow ... "
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other guy asked, Why are you crying? The first one replied, " I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the hard porcelain of the tub. The man struggled into his street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need to relax. Why don't you go home and take a hot bath?"
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small, " he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, American beer, " he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers... you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow. " Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him."I take it you now drink Guinness? " asked the doctor. "Oh no, Doc, " replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer! "
A Father was concerned that his Daughter hadn't revealed her Heart Condition to his future Son-in-Law. The first chance he had for a private chat, he asked his Son-in-Law to be if he knew that his Daughter had Acute Angina. "Sure" Mike responded......."and her tits ain't bad either."
The next nine quote/jokes are from Mr. Monologue, Jim Rosenburg * The musical "Cats," which is the longest-running show in Broadway history, will close in June after 7,397 performances. Just to be sure it doesn't happen again, Andrew Lloyd-Webber and the
entire cast will be spayed or neutered.
** Hillary Rodham Clinton and several members of her Senate campaign staff have pitched in to buy a $100 U.S. savings bond for the waitress Mrs. Clinton stiffed last week. That's refreshing. Usually, in the aftermath of someone getting stiffed
by a Clinton, it's the lawyers who get all the money.
*** The Recording Industry Association of America reports that sales of recorded music in the U.S. rose to $14.6 billion in 1999. That figure swells to over $20 billion if you include The Backstreet
Boys and Britney Spears in the definition of "music."
**** Elizabeth Dole campaigned for George W. Bush in New York Sunday. This marks the second time she's helped revive a sagging Republican.
***** Atlanta Braves right-hander John Smoltz will have surgery on his right elbow and is expected to miss the entire season. This is the second serious limb injury for the Braves, after reliever
John Rocker's nearly fatal foot-in-mouth incident.
****** Mattel has just launched the first in a series of Elizabeth Taylor dolls! The doll itself isn't that expensive, but you have to replace its male
companion about every year.
******* Florida police have arrested a man who allegedly ran a mobile dentistry practice out of his 1980 Ford Mustang. Hey, when I was young, I tried to drill some cavities in my car -- but
not exactly like this.
******** Vice President Al Gore met with Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura over the weekend. Both men used to work with big dumb oafs who were always groping around
on the floor with people dressed in thongs.
********* "Science" books used in Oklahoma public schools would be required to teach creationism, acknowledging "that human life was created by one God of the universe" under legislation passed Wednesday by the Oklahoma House of Representatives. "Ohhhhh-klahoma, where the wind goes whistling through the ears ..." --By Jim Rosenburg
[You may have seen this a few years ago, but this has been updated with some very funny stuff so I'm running it again - Dave] Points In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Simple Duties: You make the bed...+1
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0
Social Engagements: Party: You stay by her side the entire party... 0
Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner... 0
A Night Out With the Boys: Go with a pal... -5
A Night Out: You take her to a movie... +2
Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly... -15
The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"
Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:
[This has been around for a number of years, but it is now updated and still true! – Dave] 50 FACTS ABOUT WOMEN 1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel
like they're actually in control.
25 FACTS FOR WOMEN TO KNOW ABOUT MEN: 1. ESPN SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a
great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister
The New Car A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
HOLDING HANDS IN CHURCH An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service. One day after church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that." The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love, Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."
VANITY PLATES: 10SNE1 - Tennis, anyone?
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 20% off!
Q: How do ya kill a circus troupe? A: Go for the juggler!
Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way. One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed. "Well, what does it mean?", I asked. She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words." There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day".
ENDLESS MORAL? A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fixed his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right, I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny, may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. Source: Weekly Witticisms
10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING MALE: 1. You have to take out the garbage!
Ways to Drive Men Crazy 1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them
well.)
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
For those of you who either play an instrument in an ensemble, band, etc., or have a loved one who does, the following should come in handy! Golden Rules For Ensemble Playing 1. Everyone should play the same piece. 2. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat. The audience will love this a lot! 3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners. 4. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others. 5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience. 6. Take your time turning pages. 7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa). 8. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost. 9. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent. 10. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score. 11. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end. 12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune." 13. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs. 14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested. 15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original. 16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left. If you have notes left over, please play them on the way home. 17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.
Win 2000 source code /* Windows 2000 Source Code */
ASS-CONS
Father Reilly, the mother superior reported, "I think you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent." "Oh, good," the priest replied. "I was really getting tired of the Chablis."
Q: How do you know when there's a gay president in the White House? A: All the cigars taste like shit
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\:
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\:
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\:
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Eclipse \e-klips'\:
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
Misty \mis'-tee\:
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\:
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\:
Bring Wife and Mistress A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress." His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
Not ready for you yet The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back..." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later... St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity, which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint. Mother also taught the IF. THEN. ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes." Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon." Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair. Mother had all of us children write letters and then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime. Mother understood the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat. Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
MOMISM’S You remember those words and phrases Mom used to say to us and that we knew we would NEVER say to our kids? This is dedicated to how we are remind of Mom by our own words. Have you ever said: I'm going to give you until the count of three. Don't pick, it'll get infected. I would have never talked to MY mother like that! Who do you think you are? I don't care what "everyone" is doing, I care what YOU are doing! What, you want more money? Well, the people in Hades want ice water, but do you see me with a PITCHER? If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll... You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you. When you don't listen to your Mom, that's when you get into trouble. Don't use that tone with me! Someday your face will freeze like that! What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too? Look at me when I'm talking to you. You're going to put your eye out with that thing! Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up? Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home! How many times do I have to tell you...don't throw things in the house! No, you can't go steady! You KNOW what that leads to. Were you born in a barn? Close the door -- and DON'T slam it! Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again! Be good -- and don't do ANYTHING to embarrass your parents. No child of MINE would do something like that. I don't know is NOT an answer. Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been. If you don't do it NOW, then when are you going to do it? I brought you into this world and I can take you out! And the all-time clincher... Why? Because I SAID so, that's why?
Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte? A: It megahertz.
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there". The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!
Q: How do you tell if you're in a redneck Amish neighborhood? A: By the dead horses on cinderblocks in the front yard
This one will move A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share." "Buy me 1000 shares." said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares." The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client." "Great!" said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how
to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine
if they did....
HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" * HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?" HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" ** HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Your cars suck!" HelpLine: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!" HelpLine: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now! HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" *** HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"
Why did the guy call his dog Herpes? Because he wouldn't heel.
Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated. They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship. She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!" Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off. So,... he wrote a note on the back of her photo: "Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time at college. Please send more money!" ...and then mailed the picture to her parents.
These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you... 1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullsh*t over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to answer it? 2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius! You want my help, stay on the line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway. 3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number? 4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "Hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions. 5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally screwed. We didn't screw it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is. 6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' crap shareware program you dredge out of the Internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it! 7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX! Can't stress that one enough. 8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you. 9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our home page or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly. 10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.
THE HOW TO WRITE A FLAMER CHECK-OFF LIST... Dear: [ ] Clueless Newbie
[ ] You posted a "test" in a newsgroup other than alt.test
[ ] Be the PR guy for Canter and Siegel
[ ] Blow me
BEFORE AOL Group sex meant the risk of STD's. Now you run the risk of getting Carpal Tunnels Syndrome Before AOL Family reunions were needed just to touch base, and the main topic was how Cousin Jed was in jail. Now IM's are used to touch base and they start flying as cousin Jed is TOS'd for soliciting passwords. Before AOL teens would be embarrassed to go to the local news-stand and pick up a copy of playboy. Now you have to hide the credit cards to keep them from buying "Live Nudies" on the Internet. Before AOL you sat down and explained to your teen about using condoms. Now you find yourself out buying a spill-proof keyboard. Before AOL Your mother ordered pizza from a paper menu. Now she orders from a "virtual" pizza shop, and gets pissed when the delivery never comes. Before AOL Your husband sent flowers for your B-day, Valentines etc. Now He shows his affection by sending you roses from a virtual florist, and justifies it by stating. "They will never die" Before AOL you had sex in bed with your spouse. Now you expect your significant other to sign on with Big44D4U or HungLo10 respectively. Before AOL you dined out. Now you scrape last nights meal from your keyboard. Before AOL, You would get upset that your wife went shopping. Now She can shop till she drops just so long as you hide the credit card. Before AOL The ugliest person you had ever met made a pass at you and you shot them down grimacing. Now you have no clue as to who that person really is that you cybered last night. Before AOL people used terrible pick up lines at the bar. Now they bombard you with IM's asking you to get nekkid. Before AOL teachers could go to the library look inside an Encyclopaedia and tell if you had plagiarized the hell out of it. Now they can surf the web for years and still have no clue. Before AOL people would prejudge you by your physical appearance and /or abilities. Now they listen to what you have to say before they make a decision.
[Good groaner - Dave] CARLOS THE ICE CREAM MAN Carlos the ice-cream man's van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But there's no sign of Carlos. A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. "Where is Carlos?, Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?" He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter. On the floor he spots Carlos. He's lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits. "Get back kids," he shouts. Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the station. "Sarge, get someone down here quick," he stutters, "It's Carlos the ice-cream man... ... He's topped himself."
Q: Have you heard about that blind hooker? A: You've gotta hand it to her!
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: Not quite true, sir. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.
[This has been aro8uind before, but there are some new entries that make re-posting worthwhile – Dave] Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee - "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." 2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride. 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, I’m sure as hell everything has shifted." 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee - "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 10. "Last one off the plane must clean it." 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! 12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" 13. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal. 16. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
"All writing is essentially bricks of plagiarism secured in place by
the mortar of original thinking."
You Know You've Joined A Cheap HMO When... 10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters. 9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." 8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. 6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day." 5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo. 3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming. 2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little "M"s on them. 1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Q: What's the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife? A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times
The boyfriend said, "We're going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I've gotten three tickets for the big game." "Why do we need three?" asked the girl. "They're for your Father, Mother, and kid sister." he replied.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Green Bay Packers have in common? A: They both blew the Big One.
Q: When is the only time a fisherman tells the truth? A: When he calls another fisherman a liar.
THE TOP 16 SIGNS BASEBALL SPRING TRAINING HAS STARTED 16. The air is filled with the gentle "twang" of pulled groin muscles.
and the Number 1 Sign Baseball Spring Training Has Started... 1. George Will's sphincter relaxes to nearly-human dimensions. [This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. The Top Five listtop5@walrus.comhttp://www.topfive.com To forward or repost, please include this section.
SO HOW'D YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans' paper. A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighted her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So. how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees." "I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift." "So, how'd you break your arm?"
Test Two men were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like a baby. 2nd man: Why are you crying? 1st man: I came here for blood test. 2nd man: So ? Why are you crying? Are you afraid? 1st man: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger. At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked him 1st man: Why are you crying? 2nd man: I have come for my urine test!
[You may have seen this a few years ago, but this has been updated with some very funny stuff so I'm running it again - Dave] Points In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Simple Duties: You make the bed...+1
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0
Social Engagements: Party: You stay by her side the entire party... 0
Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner... 0
A Night Out With the Boys: Go with a pal... -5
A Night Out: You take her to a movie... +2
Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly... -15
The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"
Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:
[This has been around for a number of years, but it is now updated and still true! – Dave] 50 FACTS ABOUT WOMEN 1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel
like they're actually in control.
25 FACTS FOR WOMEN TO KNOW ABOUT MEN: 1. ESPN SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a
great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister
The New Car A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
HOLDING HANDS IN CHURCH An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service. One day after church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that." The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love, Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."
VANITY PLATES: 10SNE1 - Tennis, anyone?
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 20% off!
Q: How do ya kill a circus troupe? A: Go for the juggler!
Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way. One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed. "Well, what does it mean?", I asked. She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words." There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day".
ENDLESS MORAL? A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fixed his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right, I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny, may I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst... Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. Source: Weekly Witticisms
10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING MALE: 1. You have to take out the garbage!
Ways to Drive Men Crazy 1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them
well.)
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”
For those of you who either play an instrument in an ensemble, band, etc., or have a loved one who does, the following should come in handy! Golden Rules For Ensemble Playing 1. Everyone should play the same piece. 2. Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat. The audience will love this a lot! 3. If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of your partners. 4. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others. 5. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience. 6. Take your time turning pages. 7. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice versa). 8. If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost. 9. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent. 10. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score. 11. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end. 12. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune." 13. Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs. 14. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested. 15. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original. 16. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left. If you have notes left over, please play them on the way home. 17. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.
Win 2000 source code /* Windows 2000 Source Code */
ASS-CONS
Father Reilly, the mother superior reported, "I think you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent." "Oh, good," the priest replied. "I was really getting tired of the Chablis."
Q: How do you know when there's a gay president in the White House? A: All the cigars taste like shit
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\:
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\:
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\:
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Eclipse \e-klips'\:
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
Misty \mis'-tee\:
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\:
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\:
Bring Wife and Mistress A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress." His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." The boy quickly replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours."
Not ready for you yet The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back..." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later... St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity, which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint. Mother also taught the IF. THEN. ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes." Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon." Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair. Mother had all of us children write letters and then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime. Mother understood the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat. Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
MOMISM’S You remember those words and phrases Mom used to say to us and that we knew we would NEVER say to our kids? This is dedicated to how we are remind of Mom by our own words. Have you ever said: I'm going to give you until the count of three. Don't pick, it'll get infected. I would have never talked to MY mother like that! Who do you think you are? I don't care what "everyone" is doing, I care what YOU are doing! What, you want more money? Well, the people in Hades want ice water, but do you see me with a PITCHER? If I catch you doing that one more time, I'll... You had better wipe that smile off your face before I do it for you. When you don't listen to your Mom, that's when you get into trouble. Don't use that tone with me! Someday your face will freeze like that! What if everyone jumped off a cliff? Would you do it, too? Look at me when I'm talking to you. You're going to put your eye out with that thing! Do you think your socks are going to pick themselves up? Your father is going to hear about this when HE gets home! How many times do I have to tell you...don't throw things in the house! No, you can't go steady! You KNOW what that leads to. Were you born in a barn? Close the door -- and DON'T slam it! Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again! Be good -- and don't do ANYTHING to embarrass your parents. No child of MINE would do something like that. I don't know is NOT an answer. Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been. If you don't do it NOW, then when are you going to do it? I brought you into this world and I can take you out! And the all-time clincher... Why? Because I SAID so, that's why?
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