june2001

June's Jokes 2001

Michael J. Fox is expecting their 3rd child. Overheard him saying "I'm so excited about it, my hands are shaking!" before realizing the enormous horror of his situation.

Bar-B-Que v. (bàr-bē-cyēw) A Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing (i.e. men cooking)

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

The Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana

20. Got Buzz?

19. Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All

18. A Day Without Pot is Like School

17. Weed My Lips!

16. Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint!

15. What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?

14. Obey Your Jones

13. Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff

12. It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!

11. Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime

10. Official Sponsor of the NBA

9. Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi... Dude! I totally f***ed that up!

8. Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke

7. This is your brain. This is your brain on pot. This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.

6. When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?

5. SMOKE POT! (Did we just say that out loud? Or did we just think it?)

4. Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads

3. Just Doob It

2. It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana...

1. Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00
Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $25.00
Watching Southpark with Your Buddies: Priceless

A man was stopped by a game warden with two buckets of fish, leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" said the game warden.

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

" O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now.

The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The FISH!!" the game warden said.

"What fish?" The man asked.

Remember when.......

Mom was at home when the kids got home from school.

When nobody owned a purebred dog.

When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter, a huge bonus.

When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.

When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.

When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday and wore high heels.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped without asking, all for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot!

When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.

When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ... and did!

When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum. And the prom was in the auditorium and we danced to an orchestra, and all the girls wore pastel gowns and the boys wore suits for the first time and we stayed out all night.

When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car ... to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger.

And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked. And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a key.

Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a ... " And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game. Back then, baseball was not a psychological group learning experience -- it was a game.

Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we all survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that!!!!!!" And ... with all our progress ... don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace ... and share it with the children of today ....

So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger & Buttermilk ..as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool ...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.

Last week, I had my annual physical. The doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," I said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a big decision!

Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, we took a vote and they're in favor of it 15 to 2."

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?

A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Warning! VERY Offensive joke to Catholics! - Dave]

Q: What do you give the pedophile who has everything?

A: Another parish.

Q: How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex?

A: He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.

More bumper stickers we'd like to see:

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You would drive MUCH better with that cell phone rammed up your ass!

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"

Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.

Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me."

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

Why beer ought to be served at work:

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

A Boy Scout was out trying to raise funds for his troop by collecting bottles and cans. He went to one house and asked the lady if she had any old beer bottles or cans. "Do I look like the sort of person who would drink beer?" asked the crotchety old maid.

"Excuse me," apologized the young lad. "Do you have any old vinegar bottles?"

At a cattleman's convention in Denver, a Houston rancher was boasting for hours about how big and rich the Lone Star State is. Finally a Denver rancher said, "Lookie here, Texas-man, we've got more water than we need in our pristine mountain lakes. Why don't we just run a pipe from them down to your barren areas. If you Texans can suck as well as you can blow, your troubles are over!"

[Note: This is a twist on a similar story circulating the web - Dave]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he picked up a large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, that were about 2 inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. Again he asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar, making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:

No matter how full your life is, there is always room for a BEER!

A heart specialist doctor died and they're having his funeral. The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart. When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

More Charlie Chan sayings:

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Dear Friend:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington, DC Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jessie Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank you,

Bill Clinton Monument Committee

PS: In the past six Months' the committee has raised more than $1.35

Whoever said white men are smart?

When white men discovered this country,
Indians were running it...No Taxes. No Debt.
Women did most of the work.
Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
White men were dumb enough to think they could improve a system like that?

Whining liberals are complaining that President Bush's energy plan doesn't include enough conservation, but they're overlooking a small detail. Embedded deep in the proposal is a clause that would authorize the Law Enforcement Assistance Administration to give one-time grants to states that upgrade to Energy Star electric chairs.

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?

A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says, …"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"

Two guys are having a beer. "Do you like women with bad body odor and bad breath?" the first one asks his friend.

"No way!" his friend replies.

"Well," says the first guy, "do you like a pussy you could hide a watermelon in?"

"Hell no!" his friend replies.

"Well," says the first guy, "Then what the hell are you doing f*ckin' my wife?"

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

A middle-aged guy and his date are making out hot and heavy in the movies when his toupee slides off. As he's groping around for it, his hand goes between her legs, up under her skirt, and lands on her twat. She says, "That's it! That's it!"

He says, "It can't be. I part mine on the side."

A man goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much fun as she used to be."

The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"

He says, "As much as the next fellow."

The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."

A New Yorker goes to a barbershop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as he gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barbershop. The barber finishes and comes back.

As the customer hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?"

The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?"

The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with the mans change. When he comes back, the New Yorker is taking a dump on the floor. The barber says, "What the HELL are you doing?"

The New Yorker says, "Hell, my haircut's done and I'm leaving in two minutes, what do I care?"

Q: What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's a**hole to make her squeal with delight?

A: Give him a raise.

A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."

She says, "What color?"

He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself."

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem-o, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He says, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

One student stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to f*ck, or I don't know how to sh*t."

ALL-TOO-FAMILIAR SILICON VALLEY DIARY

Fed up with California? Have sympathy for the Salt of the Valley!

January 2000: Love my new job here in Silicon Valley. My salary is 30% higher! I have stock options! The temperature outside is 65F in winter! California is the best place on earth!!! Sure glad I moved out here.

February: Still looking for an apartment. Freeways everywhere to take you places. Love California!

March: Found a 1-bedroom apartment for $1900/mo. California is a bit more expensive than I thought.

April: Gas hit $2.29/gal. Somebody stole the gas from my car. That sucks....

May: A small earthquake! And this is what everyone was so worried about? Almost didn't feel it.

June: A forest fire and a mud slide near LA. Who cares, that is far away from me!

July: A big earthquake... Spent 4 hours in my bathtub. Boy, that was scary. Glad we didn't have no stinking earthquakes where I grew up.

August: Drought! They turn on the water once a day. This sucks big time! Somebody stole the water from my car's radiator. Why did I come to California?

September: Decided to buy a house. Found a 2-bedroom fixer-upper for $800K. Borrowed against my stock options for down payment. Freeway traffic is worse. Today it took nearly two hours to get to and from work...each way.

October: My startup fired 90% of the work force, including me. The stock lost 98% of its value. My options are underwater.

November: Had to sell my house. Couldn't make the payments. Found a studio apartment for $2300/mo. The traffic is unbearable.

December: Problems with electricity. They turn the electricity off several times a day. It's called "rolling blackouts." Somebody stole my car battery...what do I do now?

January: 2001 I'm typing this, stuck in an elevator, in complete darkness. The battery of my laptop is dying. Silicon Valley is no more. Angry hordes of former dot-commers are looting in the dark. It was fun while it lasted. I'm coming back home tomorrow.

Q: Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?

A: It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken...It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!

THE TROUBLE IN POLYSTINE

The new nation of Polystine, run by an aging old despot named Yessir Heiraphat, and his cronies, is having its national "elections", where Polystinians may pick between two parties; both of whom have the same candidates for the parliament and the same candidate (Yessir Heiraphat) for chief executive. One of the most popular generals of Polystine takes a parrot which he taught to drink brandy, and to say "Long live Heiraphat!"

After the despot died and his rivals, The HahaMass took over in a bloody coup, the general had managed to remain influential, as an interlocuteur to both camps. And so to be cautious, the general taught his parrot not to say "Long live Heiraphat!" anymore, or else he would have to put him in jail. One night the general is hosting a party at his house, and during the evening some of the guests started giving brandy to the poor parrot and got him drunk! Suddenly, the drunken parrot started shrieking: "Long live Heiraphat! Long live Heiraphat!" So the general put the parrot in prison.

Inside the prison there were a lot of men. One of them said, "I'm in here for killing a man."

Another said, "I'm in here for stealing."

Then the men turned to the parrot and asked, "Well? What are you in here for?"

The parrot replied, "I'm in here because my political opinions!"

A woman phoned her husband at work. Her husband said, "I'm sorry dear, but I'm up to my neck in work today."

The wife responded, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

The husband then replied, "Okay, darling, but as I've got very little time now, just give me the good news."

"Well," said the wife, "the car air bag works."

Building collapse kills 25 at Israeli wedding; "The Hora! The Hora!" cries anguished survivor.

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