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A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said, "Gee, you're fat!" The fat man said, "Yeah." The second man asked, "How long has it been since you've seen your dick?" The fat man answered, "Long time." The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?" The fat man asks, "Why? What color is it now?" Having
lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey
we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only
ten percent of them sing." "Really?"
Her friend asked. The
therapist nodded. "And do you know what song they sing?" The
friend shook her head. The therapist said, "I didn't think so." WARMONGER EXPLAINS WAR TO PEACENIK Author Unknown PN: Why did you say we are we invading Iraq? WM: We are invading Iraq because it is in violation of Security Council resolution 1441. A country cannot be allowed to violate Security Council resolutions. PN: But I thought that the U.S., and many of our allies, including Israel, were in violation of more Security Council resolutions than Iraq. WM: It's not just about UN resolutions. The main point is that Iraq could have weapons of mass destruction, and the first sign of a smoking gun could well be a mushroom cloud over NY. PN: Mushroom cloud? But I thought the weapons inspectors said Iraq had no nuclear weapons. WM: Yes, but biological and chemical weapons are the issue. PN: But I thought Iraq did not have any long range missiles for attacking us or our allies with such weapons. WM: The risk is not Iraq directly attacking us, but rather Terrorists networks that Iraq could sell the weapons to. PN: But couldn't virtually any country sell chemical or biological materials? We sold quite a bit to Iraq in the eighties ourselves, didn't we? WM: That's ancient history. Look, Saddam Hussein is an evil man that has an undeniable track record of repressing his own people since the early eighties. He gasses his enemies. Everyone agrees that he is a power-hungry lunatic murderer. PN: We sold chemical and biological materials to a power-hungry lunatic murderer? WM: The issue is not what we sold, but rather what Saddam did. He is the one that launched a pre-emptive first strike on Kuwait. PN: A pre-emptive first strike does sound bad. But didn't our ambassador to Iraq, Gillespie, know about and green-light the invasion of Kuwait? WM: Let's deal with the present, shall we? As of today, Iraq could sell its biological and chemical weapons to Al Qaida. Osama Bin Laden himself released an audio tape calling on Iraqis to suicide attack us, proving a partnership between the two. PN: Osama Bin Laden? Wasn't the point of invading Afghanistan to kill him? WM: Actually, it's not 100% certain that it's really Osama Bin Laden on the tapes. But the lesson from the tape is the same: there could easily be a partnership between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein unless we act. PN: Is this the same audio tape where Osama Bin Laden labels Saddam a secular infidel? WM: You're missing the point by just focusing on the tape. Powell presented a strong case against Iraq. PN: He did? WM: Yes, he showed satellite pictures of an Al Qaeda poison factory in Iraq. PN: But didn't that turn out to be a harmless shack in the part of Iraq controlled by the Kurdish opposition? WM: And a British intelligence report... PN: Didn't that turn out to be PLAGARIZED from an out-of-date graduate student paper? WM: And reports of mobile weapons labs... PN: Weren't those just artistic renderings? WM: And reports of Iraqis scuttling and hiding evidence from inspectors... PN: Wasn't that evidence contradicted by the chief weapons inspector, Hans Blix? WM: Yes, but there is plenty of other hard evidence that cannot be revealed because it would compromise our security. PN: So there is no publicly available evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? WM: The inspectors are not detectives, it's not their JOB to find evidence. You're missing the point. PN: So what is the point? WM: The main point is that we are invading Iraq because Resolution 1441 threatened "severe consequences." If we do not act, the Security Council will become an irrelevant debating society. PN: So the main point is to uphold the rulings of the Security Council? WM: Absolutely. ...unless it rules against us. PN: And what if it does rule against us? WM: In that case, we must lead a coalition of the willing to invade Iraq. PN: Coalition of the willing? Who's that? WM: Britain, Turkey, Bulgaria, Spain, and Italy, for starters. PN: I thought Turkey refused to help us unless we gave them tens of billions of dollars. WM: Nevertheless, they may now be willing. PN: I thought public opinion in all those countries was against war. WM: Current public opinion is irrelevant. The majority expresses its will by electing leaders to make decisions. PN: So it's the decisions of leaders elected by the majority that is important? WM: Yes. PN: But George B- WM: I mean, we must support the decisions of our leaders, however they were elected, because they are acting in our best interest. This is about being a patriot. That's the bottom line. PN: So if we do not support the decisions of the president, we are not patriotic? WM: I never said that. PN: So what are you saying? Why are we invading Iraq? WM: As I said, because there is a chance that they have weapons of mass destruction that threaten us and our allies. PN: But the inspectors have not been able to find any such weapons. WM: Iraq is obviously hiding them. PN: Catch-22! if we can't find them, that just means they're hidden? How do we know when they are destroyed? How do we know they're hidden now? WM: Because we know they had the weapons ten years ago, and they are still unaccounted for. PN: The weapons we sold them, you mean? WM: Precisely. PN: But I thought those biological and chemical weapons would degrade to an unusable state over ten years. WM: But there is a chance that some have not degraded. PN: So as long as there is even a small chance that such weapons exist, even when all evidence points to the contrary, we must invade? WM: Exactly. PN: But North Korea actually has large amounts of usable chemical, biological, AND nuclear weapons, AND long range missiles that can reach the west coast AND it has expelled nuclear weapons inspectors, AND threatened to turn America into a sea of fire. WM: That's a diplomatic issue. PN: So why are we invading Iraq instead of using diplomacy? WM: Aren't you listening? We are invading Iraq because we cannot allow the inspections to drag on indefinitely. Iraq has been delaying, deceiving, and denying for over ten years, and inspections cost us tens of millions. PN: But I thought war would cost us tens of billions. WM: Yes, but this is not about money. This is about security. PN: But wouldn't a pre-emptive war against Iraq ignite radical Muslim sentiments against us, and decrease our security? WM: Possibly, but we must not allow the terrorists to change the way we live. Once we do that, the terrorists have already won. PN: So what is the purpose of the Department of Homeland Security, color-coded terror alerts, fascism in airports, and the Patriot Act? Don't these change the way we live? WM: I thought you had questions about Iraq. PN: I do. WHY ARE WE INVADING IRAQ? WM: For the last time, we are invading Iraq because the world has called on Saddam Hussein to disarm, and he has failed to do so. He must now face the consequences. PN: So, likewise, if the world called on us to do something, such as find a peaceful solution, we would have an obligation to listen? WM: By "world", I meant the United Nations. PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the United Nations? WM: By "United Nations" I meant the Security Council. PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the Security Council? WM: I meant the majority of the Security Council. PN: So, we have an obligation to listen to the majority of the Security Council? WM: Well... there could be an unreasonable veto. PN: In what case? WM: In which case, we have an obligation to ignore the veto. PN: And if the majority of the Security Council does not support us at all? WM: Then we have an obligation to ignore the Security Council. PN: That makes no sense! WM: If you love Iraq so much, you should move there. Or maybe France, with the all the other cheese-eating surrender monkeys. It's time to boycott their wine and cheese, no doubt about that. PN:
I give up. >Subject:
French military victories >In
view of current events at the UN, I looked up "French military
victories" at www.google.com and hit the "I'm feeling lucky"
button. >Google's
response was: >
Did you mean: french military defeats [Note
- it works! try it! - Dave] Some
of you may have heard that at a recent concert, the Dixie Chicks declared that
they were "ashamed" of President Bush for the upcoming Iraqi war.
Apparently this angered some people in Texas, Bush's home state. One headline I
read said: Dix
Chicks Ticks Hicks This
morning I read that some people are so angry, they're burning their Dixie Chicks
CDs. I think the headline should be obvious: Hicks
Nix Dix Chicks What
I think the Dixie Chicks ought to do is to make amends by canceling a half-dozen
concert tickets bought by the chief UN arms inspector. No, it doesn't make a lot
of sense, but we'd get to see: Dix
Chicks Fix Hicks, Nix Six Blix Tix You know it's the sign of the Apocalypse when: The
most popular spewed rap crap comes from a white guy, Q: "Mr. President, can you prove that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" A:
"Yes. We kept the receipts." 'Twas
the night before war, and all through the homeland, The
children were nestled, all duct-taped in beds, When
out on CSPAN there arose such a clatter, The
Congressman stirred, they seemed rather nervous, A
charming old lady, small but impressive, "It's
the liberals! The feminists! The gays, and that peacenik! And
then with a twinkling the old lady spoke, The
streams, how they twinkled! the lands how green! Our
dependence on oil causes no end of grief, Bush
stomped from the chamber and clenched his teeth, I
awoke on the couch from my short little doze, The
Democrats are spineless, the opposition a joke. By
David Deckert An
ant and an elephant got married, despite the best advice of their friends.
During their first intercourse, the elephant suffered a heart attack and died. "Crap,"
said the ant. "Five minutes of passion, and now the rest of my life digging
a grave." Use
these slogans on signs at the next anti-war rally: Who
would Jesus bomb? War
begins with Dubya Bush
is proof that empty warheads can be dangerous. How
did our oil get under their sand? Preemptive
impeachment. War
is sweet to those who haven't tasted it (Erasmus) Just
war Just oil Bush
- Cheney - Rumsfeld: the asses of evil $1
billion a day to kill people -- what a bargain. Consume
-- Consume -- Bomb -- Bomb -- Consume -- Consume Let
Exxon send their own troops. Bush
is to Christianity as Osama is to Islam. Beneath
a picture of a menacing soldier pointing his rifle/bayonet toward the viewer:
Say it! One Nation under God. Say it! Bush uses statistics like a drunken man uses lamp posts -for support rather than for illumination. HEADLINES Hamas strongman killed in Israeli attack; "We
will be going after the bearded lady next," warns Sharon At least 54 rapes may have taken place at the US Air
Force Academy over the past ten years; "We might as well be holding our
classes at the Kennedy compound" says outraged general Florida mom gives birth to her third child at 3:33 on
3/3/03; "If necessary, we will intervene to stop her from having a sixth
child," says Vatican spokesman One of Fox's "Married by America" finalists
is already married; ratings in Utah skyrocket Women with breast implants are 3 times more likely to
kill themselves; 8 times more likely to dress in French Maid's costume Supreme Court reviews library porn filters; Clarence
Thomas keeps asking for more time to "deliberate" in his chambers Neanderthals, homo sapiens didn't mix socially;
Barely tolerated each other at the water cooler Contraceptive sponge going back on the market; To
help stop teen pregnancy, will also be released as "Contraceptive Sponge
Bob Square Pants" Amateur photo shows asteroid hitting moon; "that's not the kind of amateur photo I was hoping to see," gripes New Jersey Internet user Rhode
Island nightclub may face criminal charges; "booking Great White has to
violate some rule" says police chief Australia's
oldest human skeleton, "Mungo Man," is only 40,000 years old, not
60,000; America's oldest human skeleton, "Joan Rivers" still dated at
100,000 years old US
Navy deploying trained Sea Lions in Persian Gulf; "Should the Iraqis attack
us with large inflatable balls and bicycle horns, we will be ready!" vows
admiral California
use gardens as classrooms; "Our children are like vegetables," states
administrator using unfortunate analogy Shuttle
Foam theory "not a favorite," says NASA Chief; "I prefer the one
which blames an evil Gremlin that was dancing on the wing" Joe
Torre OK with David Wells using Ephedra; "I don't really like the
guy," admits Yankees Manager Agents
seize 10 tons of pot at Mexico border; "Did we say 10? We meant 9 and a
half," slurs red-eyed Customs Officer Ebola
outbreak in Congo blamed on consumption of "Bushmeat"; America's First
Lady armed with yet another reason not to perform fellatio in the White House Secretary
Ridge recommends Americans should keep a "terror readiness kit"
containing duct tape and pre-measured sheets of plastic; "In other words,
things you might find in Laci Petersen's husband's closet" Colombian
rebels admit to holding 3 Americans; "But we will not cuddle them!"
insist overly-macho captors NASA
searches Nevada for shuttle debris; "please let the search be near
Vegas," states guardsmen hoping for fun weekend Scientists
discover Pain Gene; "It's very similar to the pleasure gene," whispers
Viennese "researcher" clad in shiny leather Nasal
tissues may ID people with rare mad cow-like disease; "loud angry mooing is
also a reliable indicator," states doctor 1,275
Chinese killed or injured in 6.3 earthquake due to structural failure, "One
treehouse was never meant to support so many," admits neighbor Scientists
celebrate discovery of DNA this week; discovery of girls still years off Bush
on war: "We must depose the dictator," world not very sure to whom he
is referring [Stolen from National Lampoon] The
first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened to be the
captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote : The
first mate was drunk today. He
begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the captain argued
that once an entry was made in the company's log it couldn't be deleted. The
first mate decided to get even. The
next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in the log, he wrote: The
captain was sober today. A
woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She
downs the first one "This is for the shame," and then the second one
"This is for the glory." She
then orders two more shots. She
drinks the first one "This is for the shame," and then the second one
"This is for the glory." She
is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "Ma'am,
I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?" "Well,"
she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick
something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind." "That
must be the shame," the bartender said. "No,
that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me
around the front yard for thirty minutes." Airman
Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about
their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before
Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had Almost a 100% record for insurance
sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain
stood in the back of the room and listened Jones
explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government
has to pay $200,000 to your "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?" CBS
News reported Monday that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has challenged
President Bush to a live international television and radio debate. The biggest
obstacle is, of course, the language barrier: neither of them speaks much
English. The
Pope is having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he
occasionally feels the need to exercise the right wrist, and this is one of
those occasions. Just
as he reaches the Papal climax he sees a photographer taking a picture of the
holy seed flying through the air. "Hold
on a minute" says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church. "This
picture is my lottery win", says the photographer. I'll be financially
secure for life." So
the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of
negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars. The Pope
then dries himself off and heads off with his new camera. He meets his
housekeeper who spots the camera. "That
looks like a really good camera," she says. "How much did it cost
you?" "Two
million dollars," replies the Pope. "TWO
MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "they must have seen you
coming!" *<Adjective>
Computer Worm <verb> Internet* In
the wee hours of <date>, a <adjective> computer worm spread
<adverb> throughout the Internet. Dubbed <silly name> because
<ridiculous reason that doesn't explain anything about how it works>, and
also known as <another random name> and <another random name>, the
worm has infected an estimated <number> systems within <length of
time>. Experts are calling this worm the most <adjective> since
<date in the past>. The
worm exploits a hole in <Microsoft product name> that was first identified
<number> months ago by <security company name>. In an attempt to
secure the planet, <same company> released detailed information about the
vulnerability and how to exploit it. They also mentioned how to fix it, but
apparently <noun> listened. Coincidentally, the worm that exploited this
hole was also first identified by <same company>. Even more
coincidentally, they make a product to protect against <noun>. "Actually,
it's not really a <noun>, it's a <noun>," said <Pete
Lindstrom, or some other person seeking publicity>. " A true
<noun> works by <random filler that nobody will read>." The
worm's payload <verb> every system by <verb ending in -ing> the
<noun>. Comparatively speaking, this is much worse than <another
worm> but not as bad as <another worm>. The computers of <place>
were hit the hardest. Current damage is estimated at <dollar figure more than
the GNP of two-thirds of the world's nations>. " This worm has the
potential to <something or other>," said <Pete Lindstrom, or some
other person trying hard to come up with something interesting to say ;-)>.
" It just goes to show you that <another something or other>." Though
there is no way to protect against this particular bug, experts recommend trying
<longshot one> or <longshot two>, neither of which matter, since
nobody will do it anyway. [Stolen from comp.risks, posted by RHF jokes with permission by Pete Lindstrom. - Dave] A
mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so
gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished
the book by the time he reached his house. The
man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her
face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this
house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then,
after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The
funeral director," said his wife. A
guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her
short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a
drink. "How
lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike
up a wonderful conversation. Finally
the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so
I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what
you think you'll ply out of me with liquor." He
replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight
forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick,
punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh
my goodness! How long does that last?" she asked. "Oh,
not long. Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied. You might be from the Pacific Northwest if you: 1.
Know the state flower (mildew). (Sent
in by Kent B. Thanks! - Dave) Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate 10. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong." 9. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 8. Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "The hair, it's growing. Growing!" 7. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...." 6. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 5. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 4. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 3. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. 2. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" 1.
Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl
on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to
watch them suffer." Shopping
for a Valentine's Day card for my spouse, I was browsing all the the little
columns in the card rack with labels like "masculine,"
"feminine," "mother," "child," et cetera until I
found the correct heading: "wife." The label also said,
"Suggested retail price $2.49 / Special Discount 2 for $4.00" I
have to wonder how many people really qualify for that discount. When
the company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace
vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo: To all
employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is
better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you are stupid. |
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