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Please Read This: Okay, you knew it would happen, the inevitable exploitation of tragedy and death and the usual spate of horrible jokes that follow such. Well, the Space Shuttle Columbia is just the perfect target for just such sick humor. If you are still suffering from severe emotional distress over that catastrophe, or are offended by racial humor then please skip the jokes printed in red. The rest of you sick bastards out there better not have any food or liquid in your mouth when you read them or you'll ruin your keyboard. - Dave NASA: working toward peace in the Middle East, one Jew at a time Q: Do you know why there was only one Jew on the space shuttle? A: They didn't know it was going to blow up! HEADLINES Universe is 13.7 billion years old and will continue to expand forever, say scientists; "sounds like my wife," kvetches elderly Florida manNorth Korean leader Kim Jong Il celebrates his 61st birthday; presented with "World's Greatest Stalinist Dictator" mug First Vampire bat born in America; "Think of it as a tiny, flying baby lawyer," beams scientist Researchers create one-minute stroke test; "Dude, I'm king of the one-minute stroke!" states competitive onanist from New Jersey Outlook for people with HIV still improving; "although many of the gay patients will continue to experience a pounding sensation in the ass" Massive snowstorms paralyze the Northeast; "Oooooh, I feel soooo bad for them," says Christopher ReevesNorth Korea vows to maintain its "mighty army-first policy"; as necessary corollary, its "impoverished citizens-last policy" will also continue City of London to charge $8 fee to drive into its downtown; City of Newark to charge $8 fee to leave Internet "chat rooms" are common place for arranging meetings for casual sexual encounters; "I have to respectfully disagree," types man in "CrownHeightsChessClub" room 21 killed in rush to flee Chicago night club; "Somebody put on 'Men Without Hats!'" explains horrified clubgoer Missing California pregnant woman's husband to join in search for wife; OJ Simpson offers to share search advice Sharon says Europe is biased against Israel; "Vy vould you zink zat ve have zomezink against ze Jews?" asks German chancellor innocently North Korea wants "Knee to knee" talks with US; "We'll have to bring in a high chair," smirks President NASA to send teacher into space next year; "probably not a history teacher," notes a Columbia astronauts' spouse American Indian colleges embrace heritage, accept brightly-colored beads for tuition Shark populations in rapid decline due to overfishing; American Bar Association urges members to stay out of the water Researchers discover how embryos stick to uterus; Deranged performance artist discovers how embryos stick to wall of his basement 25% of American women are distressed about their sex lives; 75% have pool boys Rumors of vampire attacks spark fear in Malawi; Government responds by outlawing "Blacula" rentals Australian MD plans to build new, improved suicide machine for people to kill themselves with; calls his groundbreaking invention "the shotgun" Convicted super-hacker Kevin Mitnick allowed to go online again; first thing he does is type "what are you wearing?" in chat room 1 in 5 depressed people attempt suicide; 4 in 5 wonder where the others get their energy from Bush says "there is more to do" to achieve Dr. King's dream; promises to do his best to stop it Libya set to win chairmanship of UN human rights commission; "We have ways of discovering the truth about violations," testifies Libya's chief "investigator" Shortage of Girl Scout Troop leaders blamed on lack of firm, supple prepubescent boys with virgin asses Most newborns in California are Hispanic; "Oh, please, don't let our baby turn out that way!" frets expecting white couple unclear on what the statistic actually means Europeans get new pill to rival Viagra; have yet to develop pill that simulates effect of a shower Lucas building $300 million dollar Special Effects campus for his film company; "he might be better served by hiring some writers," notes filmgoer Men who don't shave daily are 70% more likely to suffer a stroke; 90% more likely to enjoy Southern Rock George Clooney snaps at critic who called Solaris boring; "any reviewer worth his salt would have called it 'unwatchable dreck!'" mutters star angrily 700 Australian women pose nude to protest Australia's likely involvement in a potential war in Iraq; Australian generals frantically think of other countries to invade Student sues high school to change his A grade to an A+; Judge orders him wedgied [Stolen from National Lampoon] The Idiot Test [This is likely to get all you hawks pissed off as hell - Dave] If you think the government of the United States is in any moral position to take on the role of Global Cop, you might be an idiot. If you think that sealing your house with plastic and duct tape will protect you from a biological attack, you might be an idiot. If you think the Constitution of the United States of America gives us the right to tell people of other nations how to live, you might be an idiot. If you think allowing ANY government to infringe on your basic human rights
will protect you from terrorism, you might be an idiot. If you think George Bush II is even remotely intelligent, you might be an
idiot. If you think fundamentalist Islam is even remotely peaceful, you might be an idiot. If you think that radical Islamic Jihadism is going away, you might be an idiot. If you don't realize that radical Islamic Jihadism primary goal is the forced conversion or death of all non-Moslem civilizations (Western, Hindu, East Asian, etc.), you might be an idiot. If you think that the social-fascist Iraq regime is part of radical Islamic Jihadism, you might be an idiot. During a propaganda tour, president Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 3 questions:" 1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him "Mr. President, I got 5 questions:" 1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill. The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England." The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in a car accident. All his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Sydney Olympics." The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Two years ago he became president of the United States." [These next three jokes were forwarded by Ken B. - Thanks!] There was a young lass from Victoria * * * [Here's an old one with a twist] Marketing explained: You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, I'm fantastic in
bed." - That's Direct Marketing. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome
men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one
situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!" - That's Spam. * * * One fine day an environmentalist was up in the woods looking for Spotted Owls
so that she could shut down a pending timber sale nearby. Trying to negotiate
her way across a fallen snag, she slipped and wound up with some VERY painful
splinters in her most private parts. "CAN'T DO ANYTHING? YOU MEAN THAT YOU IDIOTS IN THESE LITTLE PODUNK
TOWNS DON'T KNOW HOW??" she screamed. Environmentalists have always been
noted for their charm, and their deep respect for those who live close to the
land. From the book called "Wisdom From The Walls" by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget Snyder, a compilation of graffiti and other ramblings. Here are some of my favorites: "If you can piss this high, join the fire department." On the men's room wall at Ryan's Pub, in Ashland Oregon. "Beauty is only a light switch away." Perkins Library. "No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t!" Men's room, Linda's Bar & Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C. "JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?" Men's room, American University, Washington D.C. From the Skid and Jos Schermerhorn Amateur Radio Station W1TTY: A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies: "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" "Can you hear me NOW?" "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" "You know, in some states, we're now legally married." "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.. You do the Hokey Pokey...." "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" "If your hand doesn't fit, you musta quit!" "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" A group of friends went deer hunting and decided to pair off in two's for the day. That evening one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Ed?" the other hunters asked. Ed's hunting partner, Brian, replied, "Ed must have had a heart attack. He just keeled over and died a couple of miles back up the trail." The other hunters gasped and one guy asked, "You left Ed laying out there and carried the deer back?" "It was a tough call," nodded Brian. "But I figured that nobody would steal Ed." I got married," said the first tavern regular, "so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week." The other regular replied, "that's strange; cuz that's the reason why I got divorced!" Q: What is a fly without any wings? A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." * * * A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." * * * A dyslexic man walks into a bra. * * * A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." * * * Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow.
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