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An Open Letter From: The President of these United States of America, Commander in Chief, George W. Bush January 16, 2003 Dear Patriotic God Fearing American Citizen, I'm writing to every one of you fine upstanding, towel-head hating patriots in hopes that you will understand the need for our continued increase in security measures designed to filter out those who may be a threat to our homeland, the United States of America. The reason we need to suspend, temporarily of course, The Constitution and those civil liberties that we all take for granted came to light recently in a profound manner. At 09:10 eastern time yesterday, an unauthorized aircraft was detected entering restricted airspace over the Washington DC metro area. Intercept planes, tactical anti-aircraft missiles, and a small contingent of ground troops were immediately dispatched to the scene and the offending vehicle was shot down. Our military is presently analyzing the wreckage to determine the characteristics and origin of this dangerous intrusion. The Central Intelligence Agency has filed a Code Red Security Alert and is asking anyone who witnessed this intrusion to step forward and provide information about this most insidious incursion into the nerve cell of your government. After a lengthy information gathering session with the pilot of the aircraft, it turns out that this individual was flying a small device made of cellulose fiber, a cotton filament, and had a intimidating picture printed upon its aerodynamic surface. The terrorist flying this apparatus called the device a "kite," now doubt a middle eastern term that we have yet o decipher. In light of this recent attack, I ask all of you to step forward and provide any information you can regarding these "kites" and their possible ties to terrorist activities. Our friendly staff at the F.B.I and the C.I.A. will be there to assist you and to answer any questions you may have in helping us investigate this matter. Please, if you or anyone you know is aware of anybody in your community, a co-worker, or a suspicious neighbor that may have access to any of these "kites" or have any of them in their possession, we would appreciate your doing the patriotic thing by informing on them at the soonest possible moment. We don't know much about these menacing new weapons. Regrettably, we were unable to ascertain what the terrorist's intent was. He would only repeat the name "Mother… Mother," which we must presume, is a codename for a terrorist cell. Because of the seriousness of this breach into a highly restricted zone, we took the appropriate retaliatory actions. Our secret military tribunal tried the terrorist as an adult. The 12-year-old was found guilty of aiding and abetting terrorists, manufacture and deployment of a weapon of terror, and was executed as a insurgent and a threat to homeland security. We were fortunate to have stopped this terrorist before any significant damage could occur. We must remain ever vigilant to keep our country safe from those who would try to destroy our American way of life. God Bless America and sleep well, we're watching over you. George Bush, President Note: Reprint and distribution permission granted if you promise to give credit given to the author, me of course! Dave Wise, www.dontflameme.com Paul McCartney bought his wife a plane for Christmas. For her birthday he's buying her a Phillips Ladyshave for the other leg. A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. Q: How do you fry toilet paper? A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't f**kin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em." A young black man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job." The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The black man said, "Ah c'mon, you're bullshi**ing me!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!" The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing... Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother! Put it back in the horse! A son was home from college and tells his dad, "I think my roommate's becoming a queer!" "What makes you think so?" asked the dad. "Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him!" At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!" Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day Horatio the physician made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Moral of the story: Pay your bills! HEADLINES Scientist says oldest American skull found; "Get this scientist off me!" yells Phyllis Diller Web posting vows more Al Qaeda strikes; angry Usenet geek threatens retaliatory "flame war" Pennsylvania school district offers STD tests; Irony-loving sophomore hires hooker, starts cramming Youth drunk driving deaths down; contributing factors include education, enforcement, really lame parties Mouse genetic code published; "I'm going to wait 'til it comes out in paperback," says cancer researcher doomed to failure Judge orders Michael Jackson to prove he was bitten by spider; King of Pop requests extension in order to catch crafty Green Goblin New Mexico governor Bill Richardson to meet with N. Korean envoy, will hide his dog first Bee Gee Maurice Gibb dead at 63; Answer to question "How deep is your love?" now definitively put at 6 feet "The Who's" Pete Townsend says he was looking at pay-per-view pedophile Internet sites for "research;" "I, for one, believe him," states Winona Ryder Retailers report worst holiday in decades; "My uncle got really drunk this time," says one shopkeeper Study finds that alcohol lowers heart attack risk; raises "big, slobbery, unwanted groping" risk Clonaid executive told to appear in Florida court, warned to send the "real" him Sarcasm found "not funny" to children under 10; "Farty-head poo-face" jokes deemed "hilarious" North Korea calls for "holy war" against the US; later remembers that it is nation of Godless communists If Maurice Gibb died on Sunday morning, does that mean he had a
"Saturday Night Fever? Orangutans show signs of culture; "They use napkins, say goodnight, and most importantly, do not root for the Jets," explains researcher Bush says US ready for war if needed; "heck, we're good to go even if it isn't needed," beams President Americans mark World AIDS day with rallies, gay jokes Canadian politician forced to resign after calling Bush "a Moron"; Emperor's tailor unveils new line of invisible clothes perfect for Northern winters Affirmative action case awaits Supreme Court review; in discouraging footnote, Rehnquist says court is entitled to move "on Colored People's Time" Porn business booms despite weak economy; "We're the last ones to feel the squeeze," says actor proud of his staying power Peanut butter may prevent diabetes; definitely good for getting dogs to perform cunnilingus New male contraceptive on horizon; "trust me, baby, I'm already on it," offers New Jersey man All dogs share common ancestor; "I think I dated her," states Milton Berle, adding yet another entry to his private joke file Bush welcomes Baltic nations into NATO; "once we get Atlantic, we can start building hotels" beams President American scientists to attempt to create a new form of life using lab dish; Canadian couple to attempt to create life using penis, vagina DUI deaths increased in 2001 as nation relearns how to have fun More kids are allergic to Peanuts; "Thank God Charles Schultz is still dead," says confused epidemiologist Point/Counterpoint: Underage binge drinking a growing problem, or growing opportunity? [Stolen From National Lampoon] [WARNING! - Very Sick Joke! - WARNING!] Q: What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant? A: The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm... [...Ugh... told ya... - Dave] Things Hallmark doesn't say: [Forwarded by Aemi - Thanks!] Q: How do you spell clitoris?" I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me so I suggested that he visit a doctor and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused. He told me I was crazy. But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. So, I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, . . ."I stand corrected." A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!" "Dad," said Tyrone, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" The teen's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied the boy. "At least you could try, right?" Q: What's the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? A: The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer. "The most underdeveloped territory in the world lies under any football helmet." --Unknown Do you remember Junior High and High School? Do you remember talking about "the bases" with your friends? Well, forget 'em!! This is *FOOTBALL*. With the all new standardized guide to football, you can forget any of the previous complications of having to remember the difference between second and third base and all that other shit. And you wonder why there is a strike in baseball and not football. Quite simply, baseball is a boring, confusing and often ambiguous game, especially when trying to compare it to sexual experiences. Whereas Football was invented for the sole purpose of understanding where you and your friends are at. Basically the game of football is one big sex metaphor. No one has discovered this yet, but as you will soon see, the complications of modern romance are easily solved using The Original Handbook Of Football. WHERE YOU ARE ON THE PLAYING FIELD (If your not on the field, get on the field. ) YOUR: 10 YARD LINE: Holding Hands 20 YARD LINE: Hugging 30 YARD LINE: Kiss on the Cheek 40 YARD LINE: Kiss on the Lips 50 YARD LINE: Tongue Kissing (Serious Territory) HIS/HER: 40 YARD LINE: Shirt or Bra Off 30 YARD LINE: All Clothes Off 20 YARD LINE: Oral Sex (Getting or Giving) 1ST AND GOAL: Getting in position GOAL LINE: TOUCHDOWN!!! (SEXUAL INTERCOURSE) NOW THAT YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE ON THE FIELD HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT DEFINITIONS TO HELP YOU EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT THERE. KICKOFF: Making the first move (asking for a date). KICKING IT DEEP: Asking out a virgin (you'll be starting out deep in your own end) ON-SIDE KICK: Asking out a slut. (Starting near midfield. On-side kicks are good if they work, but they can be VERY risky!) KICK RETURN: How far you get on the first date. NOW THAT YOU'VE ASKED HER OUT AND WENT ON THE FIRST DATE THE KICKOFF IS OVER AND THE RELATIONSHIP BEGINS, HERE'S SOME MORE DEFINITIONS FOR YOU. DOWNS: An attempt to get more yards (get further with her). RUNNING THE BALL: Taking it one yard at a time. PASSING PLAY: Skipping stages. PUNTING: Giving up on this one and asking another one out. UH OH FUMBLE: Impotence: Can't complete the play. FUMBLE RECOVERY: Regain erection! Thank You, Viagra. INTERCEPTION: Homosexuality (YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!) OTHER DEFINITIONS TURNOVER: Anal sex FIELD GOAL: One of you orgasm, 3 points (Field Goal range begins around the 30, when the clothes are off). TOUCHDOWN: Mutual orgasm, 6 points. EXTRA POINT: The smoke afterwards. TWO POINT CONVERSION: Smoke and a phone number. HIGH SCORING GAME: Multiple Orgasms. RAIN DELAY: Parents/Roommate comes home. PILE UP: ORGY!!! MISSED FIELD GOAL: Wide right, wide left, or even worse, to short! 3RD DOWN AND INCHES: Call for a measurement (move those yardsticks) THE OFFENSE QUARTERBACK: Most important position, the missionary. QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Unusual positions. CENTER: Doggie Style. RUNNING BACK: A hand-off. TIGHT END: Self Explanatory. WIDE RECEIVER: Opposite of Tight End. NOSE TACKLE: (Use Your Imagination). DEFENSE (Becoming more and more important these days.) DEFENSIVE LINE: Condom. BREAK IN THE DEFENSE: Condom breaks. THE SAFETY: The Pill (Just to be safe).A BLITZ: A "Quickie." PENALTIES Roughing: S & M Holding: Handcuffs or Restraints Offside: Premature Ejaculation THE BOWLS ROSE BOWL: Romantic sex. (MAKING LOVE) CITRUS BOWL: Healthy or Safe Sex. PEACH BOWL: Juicy/Wet Sex. FIESTA BOWL: Sex in South America. SUPERBOWL: Marriage (The Big Dance). SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE FIELD AND ALL THE DEFINITIONS YOU CAN SEE HOW TO USE THEM, HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW USE- FUL THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL REALLY IS. 1. There was an on-side kick to what I thought was a wide receiver, but it turned out to be a tight end so there was a punt. 2. There was a deep kickoff with no return. I ran the ball to midfield but then decided to go to the passing game. The passing play didn't work because of a fumble. On the next down a running back took it to their 10-yard line. With 1st and goal, the action moved from the Center to the Quarterback who did a Quarterback Sneak. The game turned out to be the highest scoring Peach Bowl ever!!! 3. I was roughed in the massive Pileup. 4. It was third down and inches on the 20-Yard line but on the field goal attempt I was short. I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED OUR JOURNEY THROUGH THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL AND YOU HAVE NOT ONLY HAD A CHUCKLE BUT WILL PASS IT ON TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU KNOW SO THAT ONE DAY THE ORIGINAL HANDBOOK OF FOOTBALL WILL REPLACE THE OLD, OUTDATED, INEFFICIENT, NO LONGER FUNNY STANDARDIZED GUIDE TO THE BASES.
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