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"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Here's a conversation I just had about my new credit card with a customer service representative at Chase. It's almost exactly word for word, with no exaggeration or anything. The last part is awesome.

Me: Hi! I'd like to add an alternate ship-to address to my credit card.
CC: You want that for today?
Me: Well, it doesn't need to be done right away; if it takes a couple of days, that's okay.
CC: No, it is only good for one day.
Me: What?
CC: We can add an alternate address to your account for one day.
Me: I don't move around that much. Is there any way to add it permanently?
CC: No, sir.
Me: Why not?
CC: We don't do that.
Me: Oh. Well, could you put in a request that this capability be added?
CC: I can add a note to your account, sir.
Me: I meant more of a suggestion-that-someone-might-listen-to sort of thing.
CC: You can write a letter to our correspondence center, sir.
Me: I'm not really interested in writing letters; I just want to make a suggestion. Is there no way to do that by phone?
CC: You would need to write a letter, sir.
Me: That seems a little inconvenient. Don't you care about hearing what your customers want?
CC: No, sir. That is why we have a correspondence center.

(By Matthew Miller)

Jon came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude, because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around, that when a deliveryman or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?

A: Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

How the Internet Began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the
sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

[Forwarded by Kent. Thanks - Dave]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

Mother's advice to her daughter about choosing a man:

#1, you need a man who has a good job and is a good provider.

#2, you need a man who worships you and treats you like a princess.

#3, you need a man who can make you laugh.

#4, you need a man who can satisfy you physically.

#5, you need to make sure that those four men never meet!

I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a non-renewable resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree: "With the present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century."

There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and decrease in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects of the disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the effects of vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably have to deal with the issue.

It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer and an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo dancing will be more difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run the hurdles.

Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help....

PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY

Follow these simple suggestions:

1. Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
2. Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
3. Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
4. Avoid showers; take baths instead.
5. Don't hang all your clothes in the closet. Keep them in one big pile.
6. Stop flipping pancakes.

This is no joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your great grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for fear of floating away in a windstorm. Please be gravity conscious.

Q: Why did God invent orgasms?

A: So [ethnic slur] people would know when to stop f**king.

The mythical Greek gods and friends threw a helluva party. It went on day and night with much drinking, carousing, and coupling. The next morning, the god Thor awoke much the worse for wear. He felt terrible. He was still in bed when a stunning young goddess walked in. He didn't remember her from the party but manfully got up to introduce himself.

"Hello, I am Mighty Thor" he says.

She says "You're mighty Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

There was a miner who had been up in the hills for twenty years panning for gold. One day he gets a wild hair, hikes down the mountain and walks into the first bar in the first town he sees

He walks up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, you got any whiskey in this town?"

The bartender pours him a drink. He gulps it down and says, "Bartender, you got any women in this town?"

The bartender says, "Nope, but we got Old Joe out back."

This makes the miner mad. He says, "No! I don't go for that kind of stuff!"

He goes back up to the mountain and spends ten more long lonely years panning for gold.

One day the miner gets another wild hair. He goes down the mountain, back to the same town, to the same bar and sees the same bartender. He says, "Bartender, got any whiskey in this town?"

The bartender pours him a glass. He drinks it down. He says, "Bartender, got any women in this town yet?"

"Nope," says the bartender. "But, we still got Old Joe out back."

The miner thinks about this for a minute and says, "Bartender, pour me another whiskey.

As he's drinking his second glass, the miner says, "Bartender, if I was to do this thing with Old Joe... who would have to know about it?"

The bartender says, "Well, you, me and Old Joe, of course. And two other guys."

The miner says, "Well bartender, I understand about you and me and Old Joe. But what about these two other guys?"

"They're holding down Old Joe. Old Joe don't go for that kind of stuff either!"

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

Q: Why did George Bush put ice in his condom?

A: To keep the swelling down.

HEADLINES

Florida may ban some scholarship aid to foreigners; "I guess I can kiss my flying lessons goodbye," mopes Saudi national

Patients who suffer heart attacks on weekends are 47% more likely to die; "people with chest pains need to be aware that my Saturday 10:05 tee time is non-negotiable," states cardiologist

Colossal squid found in New Zealand; "what's my wife doing in New Zealand?" wonders New Jersey man in dysfunctional relationship

US plane lands at Baghdad airport; "It feels safer than Newark," notes pilot

Nation's teens fear HIV infection; "Well, I'm actually not that nervous," admits pimply 15-year-old video gamer

Columbia University Professor states that he wants US forces to suffer "a million Mogadishus"; "May he read a million term papers about the Whiteness of the Whale," ripostes highly-literate second lieutenant

Nation's prison population tops 2 million; increase blamed on harder get-tough laws, more business schools producing CEOs

Irvine Valley College bans Professors from discussing war in class; "When a hub of intellectual freedom like Irvine Valley College censors itself, what have we become?" bemoan academics from across the nation

Gas prices drop for first time in four months; "Hmmm, maybe blood-for-oil isn't such a bad deal," muses SUV owner

Iraqi Minister of Information states that there are no US troops in Baghdad; adds "pay no attention to the Marines behind the curtain!"

Two girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl says, "Oh my God! It was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."

"What happened?" Says her intrigued friend.

"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

Q: Are birth control pills tax deductible?

A: Only if they don't work.

The little boy asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replied, "The stork brings them."

The boy, puzzled, asks, "Then who f**ks the storks?

Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."

The engineering student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

Q: What's the difference between a [ETHNIC SLUR] man and a large cheese pizza?
A: A large cheese pizza can feed a family of four.

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, So the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside there was a pearl worth $50,000... please advise.

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and rebait the trap.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the child."

Q: What do you call a [ETHNIC SLUR] man in a suit?

A: The Defendant.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?

A: Gonorrhea.

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

A little Jewish lady, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, darling! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "Oh, I take it you're a family member or close friend!"

"I am Sarah Finkel in 302! Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me sh*t!"

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