|
|
|
|
|
|
There's a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is. "Your parrot has too much hook in it's beak, what you have to do is file its beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink." The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself. A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner says, "The parrots dead." Pet shop guy says "I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?" Ex-parrot owner says, "Hell no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!" THINGS I LEARNED AS A CHILD If you hook a dog to the ceiling fan, the fan is not strong enough to make him fly like Batman. However, it is strong enough to fling paint out of a paint can in a 20 foot radius. If you hear the toilet flush and the words UH-OH, it is already too late. When you mix Clorox and brake fluid, it makes smoke. Lots of smoke. And not the greatest smell. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill your entire house with 4 inches of water. No matter how many boxes of Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You should always look in the oven before you turn it on. The spin cycle on the electric dryer makes cats extremely dizzy. A dizzy cat can throw up 4 times its body weight. When it's time to pick up the toys, there's a lot more out then you played with. Drying the cat in the microwave after it's bath makes a mess of the cat and a worse mess of the microwave. While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, Dan decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her apartment, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, Dan being totally spent rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Dan begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be crazy," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands Dan. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation." PMS lingo... Next mood swing: 6 minutes.... I hate everybody, and you're next! And your point is... **Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it** I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. All stressed out and no one to choke!! How can I miss you if you won't go away? Q: What is a blonde doing when she's hanging her head out the window with her mouth open while driving? A: Refueling This was submitted by Shawnya. Though it is not really a joke, it is amusing. The Birthday Tree
Which tree are you? Which tree does your birthday fall under? December 23 to January 1 ........... Apple Tree
Apple Tree, the Love
Fir Tree, the mysterious extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious discontent lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable. Elm Tree, the noble-mindedness pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends to make mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical. Cypress, the faithfulness strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy content, optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgement, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and careless. Poplar, the uncertainty looks very decorative, no self-confident behavior, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership serious. Cedar, the confidence of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, wants to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions. Pine Tree, the particularity loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical. Weeping Willow, the melancholy beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner. Lime Tree, the doubt accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress and labor, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous, loyal. Hazelnut Tree, the extraordinary charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover, honest and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment. Rowan, the sensitivity full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive. Maple, independence of mind no ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, many complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress. Walnut Tree, the passion unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises. Chestnut Tree, the honesty of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritate and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner. Ash Tree, the ambition uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can be egoistic, very reliable and trust- worthy, faithful and prudent lover, brains rule over heart, but takes partnership very serious. Hornbeam, the good taste of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined life, looks for kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgement, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious. Fig Tree, the Sensibility Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence. Oak, robust nature courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not love changes, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action. Birch, the Inspiration Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere. Olive Tree, the wisdom loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people. Beech, the creative has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialist, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.). FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the LAST check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face." DAUGHTER: "O.K." Later....... DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face." MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face." There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got." The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?" "Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet." MURPHY'S LAWS THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will. 2. If the possibility exists of several things
going wrong, the one that will go wrong is the one that will do the most
damage.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A. After twelve months the dog is still excited
to see you.
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist? A: A sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q: What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head? A: Short, sweet, and to the point!
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A: A bingo machine.
Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist? A: A spreader of old wives' tails...
Q: What do cowpies and cowgirls have in common? A: The older they get, the easier they are to
pick up.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasm. A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those f**king lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead." Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all." "Memory school? What memory school?" Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?" "A rose?" "Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to? What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: "This should be taken care of right away."
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
"Let me check your medical history."
"Why don't we make another appointment later in
the week."
"We have some good news and some bad news."
"Let's see how it develops."
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"This may smart a little."
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
"This should fix you up."
"Everything seems to be normal."
"I'd like to run some more tests."
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting
your nerves?"
"There is a lot of that going around."
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a raging fight and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"
|
|
|
|
