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Just in case you've had a rough
day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest
psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works. 1. Picture yourself near a stream. 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 3. No one but you knows your secret place. 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world." 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 6. The water is crystal clear. 7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater. 8. See! You're smiling already! These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme
with the Most romantic first line
but least romantic second line. But I only slept with you, cause I was pissed. * * * Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head. * * * I thought that I could love no other, Until, that is, I met your brother. * * * Kind, intelligent, loving and hot, This describes everything you are not. * * * I want to feel, your sweet embrace, But don't take that paper bag, off of your face. * * * I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! * * * My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife, Marrying you, screwed up my life. * * * I see your face, when I'm dreaming, That's why I always wake up screaming. * * * My love, you take my breath away, What have you stepped in, to smell this way. * * * My feelings for you, no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell". * * * What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. One Liners (Some new ones and some oldies) A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself. [Submitted by Kent B. – Thanks!] A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" "Both son. God is both." After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?" "Both son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?" "Yes son, he loves all children." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?" [Sent to me by Andy J. – Thanks!] Copied from www.BobandTom.com While attending a marriage
seminar on communication: [Submitted by Kent B – Thanks!] CRAZY ENGLISH (This has been around for a while, but a newer version so
I'm reposting it) In case you ever wondered why the English language is
so hard to learn, read these examples; Also… There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger. Neither is there apple nor pine in a pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And… Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing and
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but
one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat? And why do we; Recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with
"quick"? by Richard Lederer [Submitted by Kent B – Thanks!] Confessions of a Madman’s Goon Yeah that's me. You know me, you've seen me in many places, many guises. I've worn many uniforms. Sometimes I looked like a cheap knock off of the modern military, or the SS (I don't play politics, I just work for a living). I've dressed like a policeman, a mafia hit man, a medieval knight, Chinese soldier, Barbarian archer and once something resembling an ancient Egyptian bodyguard. I go by many names: Bodyguard #2, Soldier #5, Hired Thug, Third Centurion From the Left, but most often just "Guard!" In the business they call us Goons. WE prefer "Hired Physical Force Provider" but with the people we work for and their enemies often winning and writing the history, we've given up and accepted the term Goon. I'd like to clear a few things up. I'm not evil, I'm not even really that mean. I have a wife and kids back home to support and being a Goon is an honest living with steady work (Periodic interruptions of course, but some evil "Genius" always comes along). I know, "honest" you say, well yes. I don't do evil, I just follow orders, like some bureaucrat turning off little old ladies heat in the cold of winter. It's not always easy to come by a good job. You can't really advertise "Hired Goons needed for evil plot to take over the world" in the local paper. Most of our work comes by word of mouth, we're kind of like a guild, unofficially of course. We tried to unionize back in the 60's, but we learned rapidly that evil geniuses are usually unstable and not afraid to throw entire workforces into the piranha tank, even if it means the death ray isn't ready on time. One guy was so stubborn at the bargaining table we just came to call him "Dr. No" and we didn't really stand by him when you-know-who came calling. Yeah, you-know-who. I've fought them all, secret agents, super soldiers, high-tech strike forces, superheroes, even a few comic sidekicks in my day. Why am I still alive? Well, most of your heroes are decent people. They might slap you around, and bonk you on the head, but they rarely kill you, especially in the sneaking-in phase. During big battles sure, but we learn to get "knocked out" by an explosion. Survival first babe. Knocks to the head don't really put you out for that long either. But in this business the smart ones learn that by the time the hero penetrates your fortress of doom, it's time to think about number one, cause crazy hairdo guy is going down. It helps to be Caucasian, body counts are always higher for minorities. If you're Asian you're gonna get Rambo'd in the hundreds. My pal Kieu tried the "I'm just a silly guard unaware of what's about to happen" thinking he'd get the old bonk on the head, and he got a hand grenade up his ass for his trouble. The bonk on the head happens, it's not our fault. People really make fun of us for strolling along casually not knowing what's about to happen. Do you think this business only happens in an exciting twenty-minute battle? Heck no, we spend months patrolling endlessly around corridors (For minimum wage I might add) and whenever there's a beautiful princess in the cell it's "Hands off guards, she's to be preserved for my elaborate marriage ceremony at the climactic moment of taking over the world, which I'm now broadcasting to everyone." Why don't we sound the alarm when someone goes missing instead of slowly walking around the corner to see what's happening? The truth is people go missing all the time. At these wages there's always people running to the castle next door looking for better working conditions. And drinking on the job or otherwise not doing what you should also happens with temp workers like us. If these guys would ever get a decent health plan, maybe things would improve. As to the horrible slander that we never just kill heroes when we see them, you don't get far in this business on initiative. Acting without orders will get you thrown into the piranha tank, or the shark tank, or the crocodile tank, or the Emu tank (That was "General Safari" and he didn't last long.). No, we just keep our heads down, initiative is NOT rewarded in this business, even if it does save the day. Most of these evil "Geniuses" would rather lose than admit they were wrong. And we could shoot straight if we cared about our jobs, or took pride in them. Or were given enough bullets for target practice. The fact is most of these madmen our really skinflints. Oh sure, they'll spend a fortune on a death ray, or a doomsday bomb, or a giant robot with backup sexual services mode (Yes, they all have their dirty little secrets), but bullets and training ranges, no, they're expensive, just like that dental plan. Even the monorails are annoying. Sure they look cool, but did you ever stop to wonder why an Evil madman would care about public transport? He wants to destroy the earth, but individual cars are bad for the environment and wasteful? Those crappy, barely serviceable mass transits systems are meant to say "Hey, I'm a big shot, let's build something grandiose" We'd be better off with a couple of hummers to drive around when and where we wanted to catch intruders. Plus then those bastards who get to fly Tie Fighters would quit making fun of us at the convention. So the next time you laugh at the poor goon and make some inane comment like, "I would have done better." Just remember, it ain't an easy life. Are you sure you would do any differently? [From: (gefilteus) hoolihan @ msu . edu]
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