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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet" He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!" Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies," That was very nice but, are...my...test...results...back?" David Bradley, inventor of the Control-Alt-Delete key sequence that reboots PCs, is retiring from IBM. At a 20-year celebration for the IBM PC, Bradley was on a panel with Microsoft founder Bill Gates and other tech icons. The discussion turned to the keys. "I may have invented it, but Bill made it famous," Bradley said. Gates didn't laugh. A guy walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall. "Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?" "What do you need me to do?" asks the woman. "Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies. "How's that going to help?" she asks. "No idea really... but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere." Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name:..................................................... Initial:............................................................... Last Name...................................................... Password: .............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name:...................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........................ 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19......./....... /...... 4. Serial Number:............................................... 5. Please indicate where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / maneuverability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq 9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all that apply:) [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveler's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defense Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student 13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Boating / sailing [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Sabotage [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Running / jogging [_] Wines [_] Propaganda / misinformation [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Destabilization / overthrow [_] Household pets [_] Default on loans [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Gardening [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Crafts [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department: Military, Aerospace Division IMPORTANT: This joke is intended for the use of the individual reading this joke and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you accidentally read this joke, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this joke is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the creation of this joke, although the poodle next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have read this joke in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing. A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!" (Warning! Stop Eating your Lunch! Sick Joke Ahead!! You've Been Warned!!! - Dave) A man is driving home from work when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around. He stops his car and walks over to the wreck. Inside is a beautiful woman in the car who's bleeding to death, so he rushes her to the hospital. Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and every night. He donates blood regularly to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married. Life is good for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. He only loves money and she knows she is just a trophy wife. She comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, reaching into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. I'm leaving you," she says. "Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It's my car. You are not taking it anywhere." "Fine," she says, and throws the keys at him. "And those bulging suitcases? The clothes you're wearing? Everything, I've paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You're not taking them anywhere." "Fine," she says, throws the suitcases at him, strips off her clothes and throws them at him too. "And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You're not going anywhere." She quickly then pulled out her tampon, threw it in his face and said; "I'll pay you back in monthly installments." (EEEEEWWWWWW!!!!! See! I told you that was sick!) (Here's a groaner for you!) There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. "Oh my, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe! Pepe! What on earth happened?"... With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, run!... it's not a Bacon Tree... [Scroll Down...]
...it's a Ham Bush" [Grooooooaaaaaannnn....] A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer. "You mean right before he died?" sobbed the widow. "Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall." "Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me, bitch! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'" It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold" the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy." Subject: The Problem with Rover NASA has lost touch with the first Mars Rover; it's responding to pings, but they can't get any telemetry back. I think I know what's happened: the onboard computer has gotten confused and decided all its images are underexposed, so it's diverted power to charging the capacitor for its spotlight. You see, the Spirit is willing, but the flash is weak. Stolen from: jstracke@centive.com (John Stracke) Subject: Mars rover NASA says it will take two weeks to fix the software on the Mars Rover. Actually, it should only take 3 minutes to fix. They've budgeted the rest of the time for being on hold with Dell Technical Support. Stolen from: mbkramer510@yahoo.com (Mitch Kramer) Fearing she might be a hemophiliac, a prostitute visits her doctor. "Its awful," she says to the doctor, "every time I get even a small cut, it takes days for the bleeding to stop." "Hmmm," replies the doctor, scribbling down some notes, "and roughly how much do you lose when you get your period?" The prostitute thinks for a moment, "about a grand!" Have you heard what the troops are calling the Sikorsky Blackhawk helicopter Hillary Clinton used on her tour of Afghanistan? "Broomstick One" The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow." I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside the road in tears. I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell happened to you?" Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk. "Shit, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car," I level-headedly advised. "Look inside the car," Tim moaned. After looking, I continued to console him. "Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde." Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly, "Look inside her f**king mouth!"
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