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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says: "F**k off, you won't bring it back."

IT'S TIME TO RE-EVALUATE OUR INVOLVEMENT

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?
Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there? Their government is unstable, and they have sporadic leadership. Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?
The place is subject to natural disasters, from which we are supposed to bail them out. Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt, and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we cannot afford. Why are we still there?
It is becoming clear...
WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!

A little girl walks into a pet shop, and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby, or a soft and fuwwy black wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"

The Associated Press is carrying a story (June 13) that appeared on my.yahoo.com as follows:
"Ex-President Bush Makes Birthday Skydive"
I really like that story. Not only is it inspiring to see an 80-year-old man successfully attempt a feat that many of us wouldn't dare try even in our youth, but it is especially inspiring to see a national headline start with the words "Ex-President Bush."

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, everyday for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."
Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller!-- I lost two inches already!"
"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."
"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "Dammit Jim, Crisco's shortening!..."

TV NEWS - Yesterday's newspaper read to the illiterates.

From: roy547 @ msn.com (Roy Trumbull) Organization: http://groups.google.com Subject: aphorism

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked, I'm just here to feed the alligator."

An attorney returned home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the heck have you been?" Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by his wife's sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered - to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
At which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

The pope met with President Bush this week, called the actions at Abu Ghraib "deplorable," and insisted the soldiers involved be reassigned to other parishes.

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