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'May's Jokes 2004


Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building. You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Bear False Witness" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.


Investigation into the Sept. 11 attacks on U.S. soil during Bush presidency:
Budget: $15 million
Length: 1 and a half years

Investigation into Clintons' failed Whitewater dealings in 1980s and the whereabouts of Bill's penis:
Budget: $70 million
Length: 8 years

Clearly, Republicans have their priorities straight.


HEADLINES

One in Five Americans thinks there's a secret AIDS vaccine; "but the government only gives it to people who don't have sex," explains New Jersey conspiracy theorist

Israel's Sharon defends the "Road Map" for peace; admits that it is a bitch to re-fold

Many 9/11 victims haven't applied to fund; "apparently being crushed to death by a falling skyscraper hurts your ability to fill out forms," notes administrator

Oregon mulls kidney transplant for death-row inmate; "I guess we'll get it back pretty quickly," says doctor

Aging Space Shuttle fleet may be too old to continue flying, will take up golf

Scientists report a 90% decline in large predatory fish; law schools promise to restock world's oceans

Bush states "U.S. does not forget" in Memorial Day speech; later struggles to remember when War of 1812 began

Meryl Streep challenges University of New Hampshire graduates to "read more for fun, especially poetry"; University of Arkansas challenges graduates to "read more for practice, especially big words"

Blair "certain" that unconventional weapons will be discovered in Iraq eventually; "probably only a day or two after we plant them there"

Bush dismisses the idea that Iran would be the next military target; "it's probably second on the list," calms President

Genes key to understanding obesity; Relaxed-fit Jeans key to living with it

Springtime on Neptune brings clouds for 40 years; "think of it as Seattle without coffee," says astronomer

8th grader, Sai Gunturi, wins National Spelling Bee after correctly spelling his own name

Researchers clone mule; "This is a great day indeed for all humanity" beams owner of Tijuana sex club


(Just posted to my blog at ideas.4brad.com)

I have finally realized why this White House is so concerned over the Iraqi Prison abuse scandal.

They fear they have been caught doing something really serious--lying about sex.

(Of course, they may point out that what the prisoners were forced to do was not sexual relations according to the prior administration.)

Great Cady Lines:

Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

  #

Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."  

#

Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

 #

Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy "Eventually."

#

Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a

coincidence."

#

Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time.

It's too much of a distraction."

Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#

Golfer "How do you like my game?"

Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#

Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."  

#

Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."

Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

#

Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old."

Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

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