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Bush Jokes:

Q. What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

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Subject: Kindler, Gentler Second Term

It's true that George Bush is a tolerant man and that he is planning on being more socially liberal in his second term. He has acknowledged the rights of homosexuals and believes they have an important place in our society. He is going to start by asking Congress to pay for adding more closets to all public buildings under the Americans with Disabilities act.

[From: gherbert @ retro . com (George William Herbert)

The only positive aspect I can see to the anti-gay ballot measures passed on Tuesday, making it so homosexual couples cannot get married in 11 new states, is just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now!

THE POLICE OFFICER SAYS: "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir. "The driver says, Gee Officer, I had it on cruise control set at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not even looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't even have cruise control"

As the Officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles and says, "You should be thankful your Radar Detector went off when it did dear we were going much faster than 80 mph. As the Officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal Radar Detector Unit, the man growls at his wife again and says through his clenched teeth, Damn it woman, Can't you keep your big mouth shut?

The Officer frowns and says, "And I noticed your not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75.00 fine. The drivers says, Yeah, well you see Officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so I could get my license out of my back pocket.

The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear a seat belt when you're driving."

As the Officer is now writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE F**K UP?

"The Officer looks over at the wife and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

The wife replies. "Oh heavens NO Officer, He only talks to me like that when he's been drinking!

Subject: A Canadian Blonde

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Krista and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
 
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Krista, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
 
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Krista, and you are losing some of your load!"
 
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde -- who is still following him. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Submitted by Kent B. - Thanks!]

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!," he roars.

 Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It  was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it  was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time . . .

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET !!"

How the Internet Began (This one IS new)

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

[Submitted by Kent B - Thanks!]

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