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NEWS FLASH! WASHINGTON - Al-Qaida may attempt to launch attacks in U.S. cities using Democratic Party campaign trains, airplanes, or buses packed with explosives as weapons, the FBI said in a new nationwide bulletin. Terror operatives could attempt to hijack Democratic party campaign vehicles and use them in suicide attacks against buildings, parades, sporting events, or political rallies, said the intelligence bulletin. The Democratic banners could both help terrorists get closer to targeted buildings, the FBI warning said. The warning was sent Monday night by the FBI and the Homeland Security Department to 18,000 state and local law enforcement agencies, other government officials and private groups. "Democratic Party activities are excellent cover for people with colored skin or heads covered in rags," the FBI bulletin said. "Those sorts of people would obviously stick out driving a Republican Party vehicle. We realize the Democratic Party is legal and allowed to use vehicles, but we want people to be cautions around them. Billboards with Democratic Party political ads could also be used by terrorists as shields to hide behind." A Democratic Party spokesperson responded to the warning, saying "Someone carrying a gun would be out of place next to a Democratic Party vehicle, but a person with an assault rifle would seem natural next to a Republican Party banner. The Democratic Party does, however, support the hard-working FBI agents in the fight against global terror." In response to questions on whether the FBI announcement was political White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan denied any political motive. "There is nothing political in this announcement. This
is also not a personal attack on waffle-man and his best boy--this announcement
applies equally to all local, state, and national Democratic candidates." Q: If a tennis player gets tennis elbow, what does a gynecologist get? A: Tunnel vision. Unfortunately, it looks like Lance Armstrong is going to have his 6th win at the 'Tour de France' revoked for using banned substances. His motel room was searched and they found soap, toothpaste, and deodorant. Martina Navratilovna won the 1994 Wimbledon match, and she is retiring from tennis. An interviewer thought she might speak more freely now that she is off the circuit, and asked: "Tell us, Martina, did you ever use steroids?" Her unequivocal reply: "Suck my dick!" I was reading my morning paper, and saw that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, author of "On Death and Dying" had died. I couldn't believe it. It made me so mad. I thought that I would give up my morning coffee if only it weren't true, and I was so sad. But finally, I finished my coffee and went to work. Two ants are playing a fast game of tennis in a saucer. After the game they sit on the edge of the saucer toweling themselves off and one ant turns around and says: "Mate, you'll have to improve your game for tomorrow." The other ant asks: "Why?" The first ant replies: "We're playing in the cup
tomorrow." While filling out my US Citizenship paperwork (form N-400, for those who care to look), there are umpteen questions that you must answer either 'yes' or 'no'. These are supposed to help certify that you are a 'good moral' character, which is of course mandatory because we already have enough felons in here. This includes answering questions like: - Have you ever been a habitual drunkard? - Have you ever been arrested, cited or detained ...? and the best is: 9. Have you EVER advocated (either directly or indirectly)
the overthrow It is a pity that my only choices are yes and no; I am
rather inclined to answer "NO, but YOU have." An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire
via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when
the phone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start
moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing
the phone to ring. Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning. [Submitted by Bill Murray] National Public Radio has a morning news program entitled "Morning Edition" and one of its hosts is the otherwise capable and professional Renee Montagne. You have to wonder about the copy editors who write the material that she reads on the air, however. To wit: One fairly prominent news story of late concerns Richard
Grasso, the former chairman of the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE). Generating a
lot of media interest is the fact that he was paid in excess of $100 million in
total compensation. This story has been reported in many forms but nobody has
summarized and expressed it better than Renee Montagne of NPR who introduced the
story by stating, "The former chairman of the New York Stock Exchange finds
himself in hot water over the size of his package." [By: Timothy Riener - triener @ msn . com ] There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be
liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.
Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The
teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry
fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she
says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what
would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan." Have you heard of the NO-CARB Diet for 2004? NO C - heney NO A - shcroft NO R - umsfeld NO B - ush ... A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you
a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' A British tourist recently drove about 2000 miles on various U.S. highways. Along the side of the road there were many shrines marking where people had died in auto accidents. Almost all the shrines included a cross but only saw a couple with Stars of David. He came to the only possible conclusion: Jews are better drivers than Christians. One-day Schedule for The 2004 Republican National Convention The first day and almost all the issues seem to be covered: The 2004 Republican National Convention (New York City). 10:00 am: Opening Ceremony: Pat Boone accompanies Lee
Greenwood singing "I'm Proud to be an American." 10:05 am: Vote on motion to go into Closed Session. (If
motion fails, Justice Antonin Scalia will announce that all media must turn off
audio and video recording devices.) 10:30 am: Katherine Harris speaks on "Are Elections
Really Necessary?" 10:45 am: Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st
Century." 11:00 am: Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald
Reagan. 11:10 am: Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Birth
Control Should Be Outlawed." 11:30 am: Rush Limbaugh - "Just Say No To Drugs." 11:45 am: Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy,
American Patriot." 12:00 noon: Singing of "God Bless America" and
big screen projection of "Blue Angels" fly-over. 12:04 pm: Lunch Break - steak with vegetable sides of
ketchup and relish, yellow cake. 12:30 pm: Oliver North - "Never Trade Arms with
Terrorists." 1:00 pm: Reps. Doolittle and DeLay speak on the GOP
congressional agenda. 1:30 pm: Group cheer--Global-warming-schmobal warming! 1:35 pm: GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell
and Condi Rice. 2:00 pm: Accounting for Beginners--"Tax Cuts are Good
for Deficit Reduction". 2:30 pm: Labor Secretary Elaine Chao speaks on
"Economic Growth Through Job Exportation." 3:00 pm: Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of
Marriage." 3:30 pm: Unveiling of "The Guide to Imperialism"
by the Heritage Foundation. 4:00 pm: Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt.
Rushmore. 4:15 pm: "Eradicate Poor People" Happy Hour
(guided sight-seeing buses leaving for Harlem every 10 minutes). 6:00 pm: Dinner Break: Texas-Style Endangered Species
Barbeque. 7:00 pm: John Ashcroft leads ceremonial burning of the Bill
of Rights. (Note to convention hall staff - make sure statue of
Justice is fully clothed). 7:15 pm: George W. Bush video tribute "Higher than a
Kite: Portrait of a Fighter Pilot." 7:30 pm: Vote on motion to put image of Ronald Reagan on
one dollar bill. Keynote Speech by Dick Cheney (Exact time TBA, depending on
his arrival from secret bunker). 8:00 pm: "Kiss Ass" session with Christian
Coalition. 8:30 pm: Workshop on government-corporate relations by Dick
Cheney. 8:45 pm: Log Cabin Republicans Encounter Session-- Coming
to Terms with Your Self-Hatred. 9:00 pm: Assault Rifle Raffle. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask
him something. The driver screamed,
lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped
centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said "Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a
little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for
the last 25 years." There's a movement afoot among conservatives to commemorate Reagan by putting his image on U.S. currency--the dime is their top choice, to knock off liberal icon Franklin Roosevelt, but they'll settle for the $20 or the $10. I think they're barking up the wrong tree. Reagan clearly belongs on the $3. Humor is universal and the same joke appears in many cultures. Sometimes the stories vary tremendously but the point is the same. Here then are the story of two pious dogs. The Jewish Version: A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay, Irving, Fetch!" Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it ... it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!" The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us." "I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'." The Christian Version: A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a petshop to look for a Baptist dog. They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?" Surprised, the petshop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes... yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description." So the owner brought out the dog to the family, and the father said, "Let's see if this is a real Baptist dog." So the father said to the dog, "Go get a Bible." And the dog ran over to a table, grabbed a Bible in its mouth, ran back to the man and plopped the book at his feet. Impressed, the father continued, "Let's see if this dog knows its books of the Bible... Turn to Psalm 23." The dog then opened the Bible with its snout and pawed through the pages to Psalm 23. Very pleased, the father bought the dog and brought it home. The next day, the family had visitors. They showed their friends the Baptist dog and the things it could do. Finally, the friends asked, "Well, can it do any other tricks that normal dogs do?" The Baptist father wondered and said, "Hmm, I don't know. I've never tried." He then ordered the dog, "Heel." Suddenly the dog leaped onto the father's lap and placed its paw on the man's head and started to pray. "Wait a minute!" exclaimed the Baptist mother, "This dog isn't Baptist! It's Pentecostal!" Dear Sir, I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I
had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had
several vacations homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire
life change for the worse: I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible
Iraqi War. I lost my home. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became
homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an
animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the
next election. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that
a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go. I just thought you would like to know how one senior
citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Sincerely, Sadaam Hussein We've got the Atkins diet, the South Beach diet and the Jenny Craig diet. I'd like to introduce an even cheaper and more effective diet, the COSTCO diet! It's cost effective and easy to do even on your busiest shopping day. Here's how it works. Start by making a grocery list of 10 or more items and then head to your local COSTCO or similar warehouse store. When you get there, carefully tear your list into strips and put all the strips in your pocket. Grab a shopping cart and you're ready to go! Pull out the first strip and make your way all the way across the store to that item. As you trek through the store, you will see vendors giving out free food samples. As you pass the third one, take a sample of what ever they are selling. Repeat with each strip of paper until you have finished your shopping. By the time you are finished, you will have eaten 5 to 10 samples and will have walked at least 5 miles. There are several important points to remember; 1) There is a law of nature that says, "Whatever you look for in COSTCO will be on the opposite side of the warehouse." This ensures that you will walk far enough to satisfy the American Heart Association's exercise requirement. 2) Do not skip the melba-toast with cream cheese sample in order to get the Ben and Jerry's ice cream sample. It's the randomness of the food selection that guarantees a balanced diet. 3) Do not double dip. Getting two samples from the same vendor at the same time is NOT acceptable. We know you won't get two samples of fried squid to make up for it, so don't kid yourself when you grab that second cup of ice cream. If you don't have paper to write your shopping list on, you can get a similarly random list by calling your spouse. "Hi! I'm at Costco, want anything?" will almost always result in half a dozen things that you just have to buy. Don't forget to pick up a 10 pack of writing tablets on aisle 10.
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