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August's Jokes 2005 The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. An old man living in a big city with a lot of crime was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. The flustered old man said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to the now grinning old man: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" To which he replied, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!" An Italian walked into a restaurant and ordered a pizza. When the waiter asked if he would like his pizza in eight or twelve slices, the Italian said "Oh, ah twelve, a please, I'm a very hungry!" A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very
successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As
usual, they were all late and had varied excuses. "Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad," gushed son number one.
"Sorry, I'm running late... I just didn't have the time to get you a
present." "No worry," said Dad. "The important thing is that we're all
together." Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and didn't
have time to get you anything... I'm sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "just glad you could be here
today." The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but I've been out
of town and didn't bring a present." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are
together today." Later, during dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said,
"Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you.
We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to
raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting
married." The three kids gasped and said, in unison, "You mean we're
BASTARDS?" "Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones, too!" Men often consider blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating
process. The closest they ever get to tell a woman it's over is to look her
straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But now there
is a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable, and the best
thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your
fingertips right now: E-mail! That's how all the happening, modern kind of guys are telling women they are
not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really
feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without
ever reading it! What could be more painless? Following is an e-mail rejection letter. Men can use it the next time they
need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows: Dear [her name], I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention
to become the future Mrs. [your last name]. As you are probably aware, the
competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of other well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however,
keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please
allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the
competition: [Men will check those that apply] [ ] Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics. [ ] Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position. [ ] You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. [ ] The only question you did ask was how much money I make. [ ] You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you. [ ] My breasts are bigger than yours. [ ] Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. [ ] Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless. [ ] Your revelation that you would certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but it does make it difficult to take you seriously. [ ] Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate. [ ] I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, [Your name] I don't know when it started, but
there is a trend among fishermen that practice what is called the "catch and
release" system. This "system" allows you to simultaneously fool yourself
into thinking that you are "saving the environment" by hooking a fish and
then throw it back into the lake, pond, stream or whatever. Then you can fool
yourself into thinking you are the rugged outdoorsy type because you "fish."
Bulls#!t. You've just mutilated the fish and
caused it untold trauma and exhaustion then threw it back! What the hell is with
that? Personally, I practice the "kill
and release" method. Yep, it's just like above, I catch
the fish, let it fight for its life, reel it in, but instead of throwing it
back, I put it in a cooler, take it home to clean, cook and eat. I then "release" it about a day
or two later, ironically, back into the water! [By Me - thanks Me!] The Associated Press announced today that Korean scientist Hwang Woo-Suk had
successfully cloned a dog for the first time. http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/science/08/03/dog.clone.ap/index.html Said Hwang, "No big deal. It tasted just like regular dog." Sex is like real estate -
get a lot while you’re young. A guy picks this gal up in a bar one night. Both lonely and a little drunk, they headed off to the nearest motel. After a night of passion between the two strangers the man wakes up and sees this girl watching cartoons on the television. He says "If I'd known I was f**king your brains out, I'd have stopped earlier."
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