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January's
Jokes 2005
No joke... there is currently a Tropical Cyclone Kerry
brewing in the Pacific (http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200501/s1280394.htm).
How appropriate:
- lots of wind
- keeps changing directions, and no one seems able to
predict where it will be next
- sure to cause damage to whatever it touches
- despite all this, no one is really interested in it
A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana
stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the
other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong
with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not
eating right."
What's his package REALLY like?
Now that all parties have approved it, can we finally say
that they've Yanked the Diamondbacks' Johnson?
[By: Mitchedel @ adelphia.net (Mitch Edelman)]
Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were
standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and diets. One woman said
that her brother-in-law had quit smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at
the same time.
Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do
this without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for compensation, I
jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing instead of these things?"
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my
sister is pregnant now."
Some time ago a joke appeared in this newsgroup stating how
women should not be upset at Bill Gates getting married, because, after all, he
did found a company with two names - micro and soft. I had dismissed this theme
of anatomical inadequacy as a mere coincidence until I recently purchased a
microsoft software product in one of the cardboard boxes. Then I realized that
there could be a hidden message that goes beyond the ever present one of
"resistance is futile."
The woman at the checkout said (as she was shaking the
cardboard box to determine if it was empty or not), "Well there is a disc
in there. But it's an awfully big box ... for such a small disc."
[By: brian_s_beard @ hotmail.com (brian beard)]
The chief resident-in-training at our hospital was putting
a patient on a bypass machine in preparation for open-heart surgery. The
patient, who happened to be a policeman, had his aorta clamped, and then
circulation was stopped so that the operation could be done on a non-beating
heart. The atmosphere in the operating room had been serious until the clamp was
applied. Just then the attending physician remarked, "Hey, you just
arrested a cop!”
"Remember, when you have unsafe email with someone,
you're having email with all the other people that person's had unsafe email
with."
[Sent via tag line from Ken B.]
At the senior center friday night dance a very elderly
gentleman in his nineties, very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great-looking
suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a
well looked after image, walks into the "cocktail lounge" section at
the senior center.
Seated at the bar is an attractive elderly looking lady in
her eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a
drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here
often?"
You are sitting behind the wheel in a car keeping a
constant speed, on you left side there is an abyss. On your right side you have
a fire engine and it keeps the same speed as you.
In front of you runs a pig, larger than you car. A
helicopter is following you, at ground level. Both the helicopter and the pig
are keeping the same speed as you.
What will you need to do to be able to stop?
Answer: Get out of the car, step down from the
merry-go-round and leave you seat to someone younger.
An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
"Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the
Crisco is in aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the
cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is
Crisco?"
The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him
that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call
him at home?"
"Lard ass."
New Health Study:
People who exercise more die healthier.
Nurses Murphy's Laws:
A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound
patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad
back."
It's your first night shift for three years. And it's a
full moon.
You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift
from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing
there.
In a critical situation, the most highly qualified
clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to
the distance from the bedside.
As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor
will come in, and take a look at the wound.
The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home
whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get
contaminated with bodily fluids.
The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his
maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if
they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three
quarters the way down the hall.
The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings
the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use
of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
You always remember "just one more thing" you
need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less
than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are
guaranteed a rash of admissions.
If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to
float two of your RNs.
As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be
ordered.
Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had
the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
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