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July's Jokes 2005 "As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." -- H. L. Mencken, in the Baltimore Sun, July 26, 1920. Source: www.snopes.com/politics/quotes/mencken.asp A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off." A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!" Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No," she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher." A kid is sitting on the side of the road, holding a bottle. A priest comes along and asks what he has in the bottle. "Turpentine," the kid replies. "The most powerful thing in the universe." The priest studies the bottle reflectively for a moment, then says, "Son, the most powerful thing in the universe is holy water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's stomach, she'll pass a baby boy." The kid says, "Shoot, that ain't nothin'. You rub this on a cat's ass, it'll pass a motorcycle!" Dear Dogs, The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I'm also aware that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years - canine attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door; Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that also lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won't kill him/her). They don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for university - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children. [Warning: Un-funny racist joke I probably shouldn't dignify in print, just skip it unless you like toilet humor – Dave] Q: Why doesn't Don
King cut his afro? A: So he can stash
fried chicken in it at his family reunion. [Okay, back to good jokes – Dave] During an etiquette class, a teacher is trying to teach her student’s good manners to follow while on a dinner date. "Michael," she asks one of the students, "if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" "Just a minute," replies Michael, "I have to go piss." "That would be rude and impolite!" exclaimed the teacher. "What about you, John, how would you say it?" "I'm sorry," answered John, "but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better," said the teacher, nodding, "but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you, Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" she asked. Peter smiled and responded, "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper.'" [Another racist joke, but funnier - Dave] An Italian man emigrates to the U.S. and moves in with some distant relatives in Altoona. They tell him he should apply for citizenship and they will help him study for the test. They go over all the U.S. history from the Revolutionary war to present day. Finally, he feels he has enough knowledge to pass the test so he sets an appointment. He walks into the
testing room and the agent giving the test thought he would have a bit of fun,
so he said to the man "We have a very simple test for you today. If you can
use three English words in one sentence, you will be granted citizenship! The
words are green, pink and yellow. The Italian man
thought for several minutes and finally said "O.K., I theenk I can do
that." He said "I
hearda the telephone go green, green, green, so I pink it uppa and I say yellow
- who is this." In today's mail I got a correction notice on my 2004 taxes. It seems I overpaid them $8.00--Yes, apparently the check I sent was $8 too much. So, as I said, the IRS was kind enough to inform me that I sent them $8 too much. They will be refunding it to me, unless I care to object. Yes, I can expect a refund in the amount of $2.14. WHAT? $2.14 you ask? But, didn't you just say that you overpaid them $8? Ah, yes, very astute gentle reader. I did say that. It seems, however, they are charging me penalties and interest in the sum of $5.86 for sending them too much money. That is our fine government at work. [This is sort of Rodneyesque - Dave] I tell yeah I get no respect at all. When I was a kid my dad was real nice to me. He used to take me hunting. He gave me a five-minute head start! But I really miss being strapped to the roof of our wagon. I had the occasion to fly recently on an American airline that shall remain unnamed. As we were taxiing out to the runway, we made an ominous turn. Sure enough, we ended up in the penalty box. The pilot came on with the standard bland announcement about how he'd seen something he didn't like and wanted to make sure that everything was o.k. (Leaving the passengers to wonder whether the backup radio had hiccupped or whether one of the wings was about to fall off). We sat there for a while, then he came back on, said the problem was fixed, and we headed back to the runway. Just before getting to the runway, we turned in the wrong direction ("Damn!" I said a bit too loudly), and he came on to say that the problem had popped back up and that we were headed back to the gate to have a mechanic take a look at it. We got back to the gate, where we sat. I never saw a mechanic come out to the plane, but after a short while we started moving to the runway again. The pilot announced, "Well, folks, these planes are essentially flown by computer, so we had to do a bit of reprogramming, but everything looks good now, and we're going to try again." (I think to myself, Oh, o.k., you've had to reboot the plane.) Sure enough, the third time was the charm, and off we went into the wild blue yonder. Arriving at our destination, as I was exiting the plane, I overhead the following conversation: Attendant: Wow, I was sure that we were going to have to cancel. Pilot: Yes, but we triumphed over the forces of Evil! Moral: The next time you step on a plane, remember that it may be being flown by Microsoft. A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.... Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on! Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119." Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face... when you push them down a flight of stairs! A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," said the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class." George: I've quit smoking! Me: Congratulations! That's the hardest thing I've ever done. How long has it been? George: A month, today. Another person walks in at this point, while I ask... Me: How's it going? George: Well, I still get urges now and then, but so far, it's gone better than I thought it would. New guy: Is it your anniversary? Attention Bridge Buyers! The most respected name in bridge sales is about to present an offer that no self-respecting bridge collector can ignore. The Bradford Bridge Exchange is proud to introduce the Commemorative Bridge Series. Even if you have never collected bridges before this unique investment opportunity should interest you. The Bradford Bridge Exchange has been selling quality collectable bridges for fifty years. Now through this once in a lifetime Internet offer, you can purchase famous bridges. Think about it, EVERYONE needs bridges for going to work, walking across, jump from, getting mugged under and throwing heavy objects from. Not all bridges go up in value; the Bradford Bridge Exchange guarantees that your own personalized bridge will retain its minimum value for at least one full year. The famous Golden Gate Bridge was originally offered through The Bradford Bridge Exchange for a mere 35 dollars. In the 57 times it has since been re-sold, its value has increased to an astounding 42 million dollars! No other LEGAL investment could give that kind of return so quickly. Look at the fine craftsmanship of this early American George Washington Bridge, first in the Commemorative Series: Note the detail in the rust, the unique "yO maMa" mural which captures the American dream and the fine cracked metal work in these steel supports. You will not find any composites or reinforced concrete here. 1) Bridges are not owned by the city, state or country. Bridges are owned by the contractors that build them. They are then purchased by the Bradford Bridge Exchange. 2) Top investors say that bridges are a solid investment with underlying liquid assets. 3) In addition to the potential of increasing of the physical value, bridges can actually generate INCOME through the use of tolls. 4) Not only am I an owner of a bridge, I am also a user! 5) Insurance is un-necessary. There has never been a theft of a major bridge in the history of The Bradford Bridge Exchange. 6) Bridges also make useful homes for transients that will make you appear in good standing in your community. Act now while prices remain low. The Bradford Bridge Exchange WILL destroy all bridge molds for the above mentioned Washington Bridge with in a period of 30 Days. All mailers will receive The Bradford Bridge Exchange's guide to purchasing tunnels and national parks at no additional cost. Please E-Mail us directly at BBE@cash.be.ours with your credit card number. System operators are standing by. A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf." A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick." "Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?" "Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I saw the preacher under the bed." When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
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