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June's Jokes 2005 Asked about his post-verdict plans, Michael Jackson reportedly responded: "I'm going to Disneyland!" The father was doubtful of his son's sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," begged the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day...." "I'm not so sure, Danny. You may lose interest in the equipment," his father was quick to point out. "Ahhhh please, Dad?" "Besides, it's quite an expense," the father added. "I promise, Dad, I'll use them...." Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out..."What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?" Recent quote from the Sunday Oregonian's "Short
&Sweet" column: "Other than telling us how to live, think, marry,
pray, vote, invest, educate our children and, now, die, I think the Republicans
have done a fine job of getting government out of our personal lives." --Craig Carter In light of the votes against the European Union
Constitution in France and the Netherlands, ABC is running an AP story on their
website titled "European Leaders May Scrap Constitution." http://abcnews.go.com/Business/wireStory?id=813373 I don't see what the big deal is. The Bush Administration has been trying to scrap the American Constitution since it got into office. INDIAN LOTTERY Have you ever seen a Hindu woman with a distinctive red
mark on her forehead? Well I always thought this was part of their pre-arranged
marriage system where young Hindu girls and women wore a red dot on their
forehead, made of vermilion, as symbol of marriage. This is called a bindi. I
also believed that this tradition was once considered a blessed symbol to
signify the female energy (shakti) and was supposed to protect women and
their husbands. Well boy was I wrong! It turns out that this is India's equivalent of a lottery game. Reports are that beneath the red dot is the dowry and immediately after the wedding, instead of running off to have sex, the newlywed husband scratches off the red dot where he could win anything from a carwash to a convenience store, or if he's really lucky, a hotel! [By yours truly - Dave] As a doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa, he
went into a long spiel about nutrition. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in
our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps and stretch before rising. Run, romp and play daily. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The
boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along, they passed
some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy
was riding. The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a
shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would
walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were
stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the
donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how
awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy & man said they were
probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge,
they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye. [Warning, groaner ahead, Dave] RICHMOND, May 26--Gov. Mark R. Warner (D) signed an
emergency order Thursday that prohibits the Virginia Medicaid program from
paying the costs of Viagra and other prescription erectile dysfunction drugs for
52 men registered as violent sex offenders. So, I guess these convicts won't be doing hard time... It was announced today that Bertelsmann (BMG) will be
purchasing the Columbia House music club. While terms weren't announce, analysts
believe Bertelsmann will pay one penny, along with the promise to buy twelve
additional companies at a later date. GUY TALK "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to
drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no
rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't
dinner already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES,
DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means:
"I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS
ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is
wearing a bra." "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you
still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I
remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever
kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but
I forgot your birthday." "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE
ROSES." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG
DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit that I am hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall
into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did
you catch me at?" "I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the
foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it
well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means:
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving." "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again." I'm sure any physician could relate similar stories. A friend told me these two about a couple of new elderly patients he'd seen. He asked the first woman, a petite gal, about her family and she said she'd had 7 children. "Seven!" he said, "How could anyone so small
have that many children?" "Oh," she said, "I think I was asleep most
of the time." Another patient, this one 88-years-old, spry and witty. When he asked about her family, she said she'd had 14 children. "Fourteen!" He said, "Why would anyone have
14 children?" She replied, "We just liked to f**k." THE JACKASS For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!" The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. ---Keep reading, it gets better!--- An old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number then hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Yes," For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camero is parked out front. "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers. "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jackass!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life! I am in my early sixties, and have a urology appointment at
the Ottawa Civic Hospital next week. They told me to bring my health card and my
reading glasses, and that there was no need to fast before hand. I'm not really sure why I need reading glasses for a urology exam. But I have a nasty feeling they may be going to ask for a sperm sample, and they want to make sure I can see the pictures... |
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