|
|
|
|
|
|
March's Jokes 2005 While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye
surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig
while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained. The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?" "After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing
was cheap-looking and ugly." "I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success." Killing for peace is like f**king for chastity. Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' Apparently, the Japanese slang for a balding-man's comb-over is: Bar-code head. Tongue Twister A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for
Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next
to him also has a black eye. Seen on a restroom wall: Don't beam me up now Scottie, I'm taking a Sh WARNING There is a new scam is being pulled mainly on older men! Found in: rec . outdoors . rv - travel - edgar88 @ FIXatt . net Q: What does Michael Jackson and tuna have in common? A: They both come in small cans! Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain
man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him. Understanding a Woman We need - REALLY MEANS - I want You want - REALLY MEANS - You need It's your decision - REALLY MEANS - The correct decision should be obvious by now. We need to talk - REALLY MEANS - I need to complain Do what you want - REALLY MEANS - You'll pay for this later. You're ... so manly - REALLY MEANS - You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Sure... go ahead - REALLY MEANS - I don't want you to. I'm not upset - REALLY MEANS - Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're certainly attentive tonight - REALLY MEANS - Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! - REALLY MEANS - I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights. - REALLY MEANS - I'm Embarrassed. This kitchen is so inconvenient - REALLY MEANS - I want a new house. You have to learn to communicate. - REALLY MEANS - Just agree with me. Yes - REALLY MEANS – No No - REALLY MEANS – No Maybe - REALLY MEANS – No I heard a noise - REALLY MEANS - I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? - REALLY MEANS - I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? - REALLY MEANS - I did something you're not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. - REALLY MEANS - Be patient I'll be a while. Am I a little fat? - REALLY MEANS - Tell me I'm beautiful. I'm sorry. - REALLY MEANS - You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe? - REALLY MEANS - It's easy to fix, so get used to it. Was that the baby? - REALLY MEANS - Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby. I'm not yelling! - REALLY MEANS - Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. All we're going to buy is a soap dish - REALLY MEANS - Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook? An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour
later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man,
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it
and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and
the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of
the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take full responsibility! If a girl is born I will bequeath her a
townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my
legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll screw her again" Share this with your senior
friends (It's purposely in big type for us old guys) If I could, I'd enlist today
and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of
innocent people in New York City and Washington DC. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-
olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of
times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to
concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived
long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we
can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back
hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a
legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to
legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000
gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a
backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like
to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee. If old guys are captured we
couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In
fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be
easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we
actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and
rifles. We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the
obstacle course however. I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot
wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and
give me...er...one." And the running part is kind
of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes. A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!" Consumer Reports recently performed a test of various condoms: They found that the one that performed the worst was a melon colored one "Planned Parenthood" distributes. That’s what I call drumming up business! A drill sergeant had just chewed out another one of his
recruits, and as he was walking away, he turned to the recruit and said, "I
guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The recruit replied, "Not me, Sarge. I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line."
|
|
|
|
