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October's Jokes 2005 Q: Did you hear the one about the redneck who couldn’t tell the difference between arson and incest? A: He set fire to his sister.
EYESIGHT The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?” “Yes,” said Sam , “I saw him plainly take the goods.” The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?” “Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.” Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?” Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?” Source: Lori
Love Poems Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, “Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?” Robert replied, “That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work.” Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. “That’s easy,” Robert said. “I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue.. I love waking up and making love to you!” Tyrone amazed said, “Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental an’ shit....” But he decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works. Robert asked, “Man, what happened to you?!” Tyrone said, “I don’t know, man. I went home and tried your advice, that’s all. I just told her a poem....” “Well, what poem did you tell her?” Tyrone told him: “Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog.. If I could roll your fat ass over, I’d do you like a dog!”
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!” A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. “Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?” “No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”
A LETTER FROM A LOVING SISTER... My Dearest Sibling,
How is college? I’m quite certain that you and the team mascot (the goat) are becoming well acquainted. Just be thankful that if you get caught, the prison term will be less than it would be if you still preferred underage companions! I was really surprised when the dog had her puppies and only three of them looked like you. Of course, I was looking at the wrong end, but still, Father is beginning to wonder. I understand you recently attended a costume party function at a local bar. I’m certain you did well without having to wear much of a costume. Your facial complexion makes a wondrous model for a pizza: all you had to do was wear a Domino’s pizza tee-shirt. Since you’ve been gone, the air has cleared up immensely! The lack of localized flatulence has caused some of the birds to actually return, however, when we attempted to throw away your socks at the local landfill, we were cited for attempting to introduce toxic waste into the site. Father is having our lawyer correspond with the EPA concerning this issue. Shortly after you left, we bought a new gerbil. Amazingly, this one has not exploded, nor does it seem to have any fascination with duct tape, like the last several that we had. I have some bad news for you. You remember my friend, Sherry? She had to be committed to the local sanitarium after some question about her sanity came up. She had inadvertently mentioned that she has had a crush on you for years. Your parole officer happened to be within hearing distance of this, and, using his psychological training, immediately had her placed in protective custody. A summons was issued for us to appear, and Father had to show the EPA report on your socks. They say there is some hope for Sherry, but not much. I have to go, now. I have cheerleader practice, but had a few moments to write. Mother and Father send their love. The dog is sending a paternity suit! Love, SISSY.
Dear Sis,
It seems there was a bug going around the dorm last week. Mostly just head colds. Fortunately, I swiped one of your bras the last time I was home, so everyone’s got enough Kleenex to last until semester break. I’ll bring back your empty bra and grab another full one next time I come home. Actually, for that costume party, I went dressed as you. (the original reason for stealing the bra) The judges were all members of the football team, so I won both for the scariest costume as well as the easiest! The Goat sends its love and wants to know when you’ll be back for another round. I knew about the football team: you haven’t changed since kindergarten. Not just your actions, but your underwear. Anyway, when I heard about the entire football team, I didn’t think my beloved goat would be involved, much to my chagrin. I’m still trying to figure out if they counted all those Gatorade bottles correctly, and if they missed removing any. Sorry to hear about Sherry. I hope she gets out soon, as I haven’t touched the goat since you were here. An interesting observation I learned from Sherry; “Bras weren’t meant for holding Kleenex”. I think you know what I mean. As for the dog, I’m not worried: I used a condom. She’s just being bitchy is all. I’ll make myself available for any DNA testing they choose! I saw your name and number in the men’s room the other day. I was surprised that, instead of being scribbled in your own handwriting like it was in the johns back in high school, you’ve gotten a bit of extra flair by putting up dispensers with your business card. Thank goodness you didn’t want to put up references: some of the other girls here at school needed the wall space, too! Gotta go, now. Have a date with a cheer-leader. You know what they say about cheer-leaders being easy! It’s True. Send my love to Father, Mother, and the dog. SONNY
CHEW ON THIS
Source: Uncle-Egg
Ode to Wilt Chamberlain: America lost a giant in all senses of the word,
And, oh yeah, he played some basketball as well.
Two knights are riding through a forest in medieval England when they come upon a peasant gathering sticks. "Lo there, yon farmer!" exclaims one of the knights, "Why dost thou labor in this forest at so late an hour? There be hostile beasts and men of military about." "I beg thy forgiveness my lords," replies the peasant, "but my hearth fire did burn to nothing of late, and my animals are bleating with discomfort." "Very well," responds the knight, "then go thee about your task with haste." The knight then lowers his voice and leans closer to the peasant. "But I pray thee, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armor be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin." "My apologies lords, but no. This night I hath seen no one in the forest save thee." The knights thank the peasant and continue on their way. Only a short while later they come upon a milk maid leading a cow along their path. "Halt there, woman! This is not the time for the movement of cattle!" exclaims one of the knights. "Hostile beasts and men of military move in this forest during the night." "Forgive me sire," responds the maid, "but the young son of my mistress is ill and requires nutrition. All of there cattle are bare, and she did ask that I bring to her a replacement post haste." "Very well," responds the knight, "bring her the cow but be thee fleet." He then leans closer to the maid and lowers his voice. "But I pray thee, ponder deeply and then reply, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armor be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin." "No sire," replies the maid, "this unsavory character I have not seen. I would remember such an image." The knights thank the maid and continue on their way. A short while later one of the knights lifts his visor and turns to the other, "Where the hell is Steve?"
Q: What do rednecks do on Halloween? A: PUMP-kin
Pets' Pet Peeves: * Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl. * Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!" * Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!" * Goldfish: "The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!" * Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!" * Dog: Human legs that just tease. * Cat: "Why are these people in my house?" * Dog: "What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?!" * Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
Submitted by: Nancy Dow @ yahoo.com
I Have To Do Number Three A young blonde girl, about 14-15 is sitting in school one afternoon. She puts her hand up to get the teachers attention. Finally the teacher asks her what her problem is. She tells the teacher she has to go to the bathroom. The teacher tells the young girl that this is a very important lesson and that she will have to wait until break to go. After a few minutes, the young girl raises her hand again, this time, acting much more urgent about the situation. Again, the teacher puts her off... About three minutes later, the young girl stands up in the middle of the lesson, and walks towards the door. The teacher stops in the middle of a sentence, and asks the girl what she thought she was doing. The girl said "You don't understand, I HAVE to go NUMBER THREE!". The teacher...quite confused, asks the girl, what number three was. The girl looks at the teacher and says "Duh....... miscarriage!"
A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd sworn off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"
Houses To Avoid At Halloween 10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a space-time wormhole. 9. Any house made of food. 8. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement. 7. Any house where the high tension wires suddenly stop right above it. 6. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas. 5. Any house that growls "get out." 4. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking across the living room floor. 3. Any house that looks like a giant pulsating orb floating 3 feet off the ground. 2. Any house with various and extremely realistic statues in the front yard of people in odd "running away" poses. 1. Any house that wasn't there only a minute ago...
HAVING A POLITICALLY CORRECT HALLOWEEN Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some Old Halloween activities, for example: WITCH BURNING --
WINDOW WAXING --
TRICK-OR-TREATING --
And then there are the treats themselves: Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes, and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice. Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots. "Where is your costume?" the husband asked. "This is it," replied his wife. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband. "Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on." The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife. "I am a fire alarm," he replied. "A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing. "Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come." The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -- you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?" (Yes, the below joke is ancient job humor, but posted here just in case you needed to print out a copy of it on the company printer. Just another service here at Psyco-Semantics - Dave) Company News As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to Get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SH*T). This company takes pride in the amount of SH*T our employees receive. We have given our employees more SH*T than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SH*T on the job, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE
A businessman packing for a trip glances in his briefcase. "Honey?" "Yes, darling?" "Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful." "Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?" "Oh, all right, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for Pete's sake, give me more than one!" Rules for Bedroom Golf 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players’ equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case. 12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole. 13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners’ request. 15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 16. The course owner will be the solo judge of who is the best player. Thinking On Your Feet There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told
him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that
he did
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half..." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for? An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
The next ten jokes are from;
WANTED
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
Submitted by: Marc R Macchiaverna @ bellsouth.net
The couple left the gynecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you." "This is the answer to our prayers!" the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, "That was the Clone Arranger."
What did the cashier say when she was caught stealing? "I thought the change would do me good!"
Q. What’s the name of the Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls? A. Rick O'Shea. A Farmer decided to invest a great deal of money in a new crop of potatoes. New equipment alone cost him a lot of money, but he really wanted his stake in potatoes. ~ Original by Dave Loevner YesCanDo @ webtv.net
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate." the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom; I'll show you how." Kent Fillmore
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog -- so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but Saint Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to sell spirits after hours!"
A man has been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, (of course, they're all hot) he comes to the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary takes him in and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. The missionary tells him, and that he must borrow the horse to make it. He says, "However, there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop." Now anxious to get to town, the man says, "Sure, OK." and gets on the
horse. He says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. A bit later he
says louder, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting.
About then he realizes he'd heading for a huge cliff edge, and yells
" Whoa!" but the horse doesn't even slow! It's coming up REAL QUICK and
he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop,
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff, almost throwing him over its head. The man, panting and heart racing, wipes the sweat from his face and leans back in the saddle. "Oh!" he says, gasping for air, "Thank GOD!"
Q: What are the two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job? A: Kiss Me
(After reading this for my first time, I concluded that my first girlfriend was a graduate of this place and was then reincarnated...) INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the year of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press - New York City INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn. Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed. Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access. When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband. If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory. If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time. Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection. She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his
(sic) huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still
and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act
As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more. One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression. (copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.)
Halloween Story A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...behind him. Walking faster he looks back and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...faster...faster...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything ...but all he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin...
...and of course
...the coffin stops!
Forwarded by my sis, Amei Murray – Thanx, Dave
Bruce goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "Bruce, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Bruce is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat a pound of spicy hot sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalapeno peppers, 25 walnuts, 25 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and then drink a gallon of prune juice." Bruce asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" The doctor says, "No, but it will teach you what your ass is really for." I woke early one morning,
He sang a song so lovely
He sang of far off places
I stirred beneath the covers
I'm not a morning person. Stupid Halloween Jokes Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
Q. What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?
Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
Q. What's a monster's favorite play?
Q. What do witches put on their hair?
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Q. What's a haunted chicken?
Q. How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?
Q. What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to
Q. Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Q. Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?
Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
Q. What kind of cereal do monsters eat?
Q. What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?
Q. What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?
Q. What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Q. What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
Q. Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?
Q. Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
Q: What do the birds sing on Halloween?
Q: What did the little ghost have in his rock collection?
Q: Why should a skeleton drink 10 glasses of milk a day?
Q: What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween?
Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
Q: What was the witches favorite subject in school?
Q: Why did the mummy call the doctor?
Q: What does a vampire fear most?
Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
Q: What did the mad scientist eat on Halloween?
Q: Where do mummies go for a swim?
Q: What is Transylvania?
Q: Where does Dracula water ski?
Q: What kind of boat pulls Dracula when he water skis?
Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern
by it's circumference?
Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Q: What does a ghost eat for lunch?
Q: How does the silly witch know what time it is?
Q: What did the Mommy ghost say to the baby ghost?
Q: What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
Q: Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his
Q: Why do witches ride their broomsticks at night?
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