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September's Jokes 2005 After the miraculous landing of the stricken Air Blue plane at Los Angeles,
reporters interviewed the passengers. The first one they talked to was a rabbi. "Your name, sir?" "I am Rabbi Jacob Schwartz from Santa Monica" "How did you feel when you became aware of the plane's problems?" the reporter asked. "Well, I was a bit apprehensive, but I put my faith in God, and we were
spared," he said. The next person off the plane was wearing a collar. The reporter also asked
him his name. "Father Daniel McCurdy of the Los Angeles Archdiocese" "And how did you feel as the plane circled about for three hours?" "To be perfectly honest, I was pretty nervous about it, but I offered my
prayers to the Lord, and He answered them." The next person off the plane also was wearing a collar. "Your name, father? "My name is William Jackson." "Are you also with the LA Archdiocese?" "No, I am an Ecopalian." The reporter said, "Ecopalian??? I have never heard of that
denomination" "Well, coming down on that plane scared the 'piss' out of me!" It occurred to me that the death toll from hurricane Katrina could have been
drastically lowered if they had just told everyone from Louisiana to Mississippi
that there was a NASCAR race in Talladega, Alabama which is a mere 450 miles
away. To make certain of a good attendance all they had to do was announce that
admission was free as well as all the Pabst Blue Ribbon beer you can drink!
Hell, the whole damn south would have gone to safety! [By: Me - Dave] * * * Speaking of Katrina, here are a few other jokes floating around: After the massive deaths, the near-total destruction, the complete failure to
provide security, the widespread looting, and snail-paced response by the Bush
Administration, we could rebuild New Orleans. Or we can just rename it New
Baghdad. [By - Simon S. Goldenberg] * * * Suppose you wanted to site a city in the worst possible place, where the population would be sure, some day, to be zapped by a natural disaster, where would it be? One of the best has to be New Orleans, in a bowl, below sea level, and right in the hurricane zone. Pity it isn't on a fault, but you can't have everything. They're sure to rebuild it, right? [By - J. H. Atkinson] * * * Occurred to me that hurricanes seem to happen in Republican administrations. So I checked the top 10 past hurricanes. All happen during Republican administrations except one. Supposed God is trying to tell us something? Not including Katrina, the total is $139 billion, of which $10.8 happened during a Democratic administration. Does that mean God is 92% Democratic? Andrew 1992 43.7 billion Republican all in 2004 dollars [By - Mark.Shepard] * * * Of course rumor has it that the only reason President Bush offered money and aid to rebuild the Katrina-damaged coastal areas of Mississippi, Alabama and Louisiana is that he misheard on the news that there was "Major damage and flooding all along the Golf Course." Q: Why hasn't the Pillsbury Doughboy been laid lately? A: Because he gave Betty Crocker a yeast infection! [By: Jim Simmons - Thanks Jim! - Dave] Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a
bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from
pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the s**t out of him. A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the recent strange
development on the inside of her thighs... a green spot on the inside of each
thigh. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be
getting worse." The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she needn't
worry until tests come back. He sends her home. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the
doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on with these spots. "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is
your husband a Harley guy?" the doctor asks. "Yes--how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold." True story: The other day I was
having a beer with a few of my friends and the topic of
"Spanish Fly" came up when, without missing a beat, my friend
Jim said "Sounds like an Iberian airline to me." (It took me about a
minute to finish swallowing a mouthful of beer and not spray it all over the
table!) [Thanks to - Jim Simmons
of Medford, a very good but as yet, unpublished writer] In the same tavern, just
the other day, someone suggested that "Fathers Day" ought to be called
"Motherf**kers Day." [I think he has a point!
- Dave] You know how, in the olden days, you were named for what you did? For instance, if you were a blacksmith, your last name would be Smith, if you were a baker, your last name was Baker. It kind of makes me wonder what John Hancock's ancestors did for a living. [Heard on radio WPLR in Milford, CT] [Groaner alert!] Q: Did you hear about the
electrician who retired? A: He got burned out. [Another gem by Jim
Simmons told in the same place.]
Q: What's the best way to
catch a bear? A: With you bare (bear)
hands!
Q: Why did the queer ask
that he be buried upside down with his ass exposed? A: So his friends can
come by for a cold one.
Q: What did the woman say
to Wacko Jacko on the beach? A: "Stay out of my
son!" [Speaking of A-holes ...
] It is NOT possible to
study for a rectal exam ... especially if you've been cramming. [Speaking of sick jokes:] Q: Do you know the
redneck definition of necrophilia? A: A hillbilly's
compulsion to grope his sister. [By me - Thanks Me!] [Heard in the same
tavern:] "I may be getting
too old to cut the mustard, but I'm never too old to lick the jar." [Told by Dateliff Eiseman-
Thanks Date!]
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