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My geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon." "What about two sided ones?" I asked. "They don't exist," was his response. "I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons." A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time. Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be uncertain or confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition. You Know You're In A Redneck Church When… 1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. 2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. 3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. 4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. 5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." 6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale." 7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church directory. 8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. 9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub. 10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. 11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy. 12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you are called to service by a duck call. 13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. 14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink." 15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too. 16. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya heah. God Bless and don't Y'all fergit ta say yer prayers!!!” A virile, young Italian sailor was relaxing at his favorite bar, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...yousa finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No-oh." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "Yousa finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No-oh." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "Yousa finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "Oh no, I Norwegian." "What I Want In A Man" (Original List) 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially Successful 4. A Caring Listener 5. Witty 6. In Good Shape 7. Dresses with Style 8. Appreciates the Finer Things 9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises 10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover (Revised List) 2. Doesn't belch and/or scratch in public 3. Works steady 4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting 5. Usually remembers the punch-lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Usually wears matching socks 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down 10. Shaves on weekends Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A: A new last name. "The imperialist, genocidal, fascist attitude of the US president has no limits. I think Hitler would be like a suckling baby next to George W. Bush."--Hugo Chavez, Venezuelan President "He [Chavez] is a person who was elected legally - just as Adolf Hitler was elected legally - and then consolidated power and now is, of course, working closely with Fidel Castro and Mr. Morales and others."--Donald Rumsfeld, U.S. Defense Secretary "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one." --Godwin's Law [From - Tove Momerathsson, Conceptual Frameworkers Union, Local #89] TRUE! Last Friday, I wrote to my friend Ken: > BTW, have you downloaded "Google Earth" yet? (An amazing new program). He wrote: No. Last I knew, it only runs on 'Doze, and I don't have any 'doze machines here. [Of course by "Doze" he means Windows$ operating system, he is a LINUX guy. "HAH! - We don’t need no stinking Windoze!" - Dave] The Shiftkey FAQ Unleash the Power of Shift! by Alan Meiss, ameiss @ indiana . edu Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out? A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers. Q. What happens if I press both shift keys? A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you. q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation a. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions; replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie". Q> I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT'S STUCK DOWN NOW> A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blow-dryer, or place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean the lint screen when you are finished. Q. Why are there are no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two keys labeled "hif"? A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing your hands more frequently for that matter. Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh? A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be labeled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it. Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big letters. Is there any other way to do this? A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to see whether your computer is equipped with speech-recognition equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to "train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works reliably. Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use? A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad; you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than wind up with a broken shift key. Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will my computer explode? A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along, next question. Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys? A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this, go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure enough, the keys all look the same size! A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know." Q. How do you get to Texas from California? A. Go east until you smell it, then south until you step in it. A bear, a lion and a chicken are talking. "When I roar" said the bear, "the forest rumbles." The lion sniffed. "When I roar, the jungle trembles," he said. "Oh." Said the chicken. The lion and bear looked at her, thinking about dinner. The chicken smiled a small, knowing smile, and said "When I cough, the whole world shits itself." [Written by Helen Armfield, Hastings, UK] A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire." And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women." STUDENTS CLAIM STANDARDIZED TESTS ARE UNCONSTITUTIONAL It's that time of the school year again! As any educator would tell you 'Tis the season for Standardized tests.' Students across the nation are sharpening their number 2 pencils in preparation for their annual bubble tests. But this year students in Huntsville, Alabama have banded together and vowed not to take the tests claiming they are unconstitutional. Said one student, "The Constitution protects us from self-incrimination. These tests expose a kid's inability to read and write. That's incriminating!" When asked if he had ever read the Constitution another student told CNN, "No. But I once heard Marilyn Manson talk about it on MTV." Students plan to hold a series of 'sit down' protests during testing week. They have stocked up for the protests and have purchased large quantities of Doritos and Pepsi. One student plans to bring a portable generator, TV and DSS satellite dish so that the protesters can pass the time watching music videos and soap operas. When CNN asked one of the parents if she supported the protests she said, "I think that this will be a valuable life experience for my son." Another parent appeared to be unaware of his daughter's plans to participate in the protests and said, "I had no idea she was going to be doing this. That shows you how busy I've been lately." Another parent said, "I think we need to help these kids fight the injustice of these tests and get them an attorney. That will teach those educators not to oppress students!" School administrators refused to comment on the protests. However, one educator who teaches classes on self-esteem and civil disobedience has promised to give extra credit points to students who participate. More on this story as it unfolds. As a new school Principal was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stockroom unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" The Custodian looked at him gravely and said, "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
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