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Q: What's better than winning the gold medal in the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded! Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." But my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed. A young couple go on a long drive and decided to pull over at a local restaurant. It was the quiet, home-style type one sees on the back roads of towns across the country. There were just a few diners scattered in various booths. The young couple sit down and soon an old straggly-looking woman saunters up to the table and says "Whadda ya want?" Not put off by her rough appearance, they order lunch and while waiting, they begin to take in the quaint charm of this off-the-road café. When the food arrives it does not take long before they notice the plates, forks, knives and spoons were filthy! The man gets up and tells the old lady about the dishes. "They're clean all right" she says, "They're as clean as clearwater can get em'. The man goes back to the table and says to his girl "The old woman says that they are as clean 'As clearwater can get them.' so I guess it's okay." Soon after they were half way through their meal, another couple gets up to leave. The old woman takes the dishes off the table and sets them out the back door and whistles, loudly. She then says "Clearwater, Clearwater, cm'on boy, time to eat!" Up runs the dog.... you guessed it… named Clearwater… A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled but brought him the beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, one more beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say 'hello' to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed, "Oh shit, it's started." What's wrong with masturbation anyway, I just call it apprentice-turbation. While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded. As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant turns and walks away. For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day. One day the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him. Probably not the same elephant then. The Old College Try Only three things can happen when you pass a football... ...and two of them are bad. [These next few jokes were heard at Chadwick's, a local sports bar in town - Dave] Fat Mama jokes! Yo mama is so fat: …that I needed 2 trains and a bus to get on her good side. …that when your dad gets on top of her, his ears pop. …he then burns his ass on the ceiling light. …that when she went missing they had to put her picture on the side of a milk truck. …that her shadow weighs 50 lbs. * * * Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid she had to put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind? [All these were told to me by one gal named Yvonne -- Thanks sweetie! - Dave] After watching the latest pronouncement from the Oval Office, it occurred to me that President George W. Bush has become the spiritual leader of a large part of the United States-- whenever he appears in public and starts to say something, millions of Republicans begin to pray. There were four country churches in a small Minnesota town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But--The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
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