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- "Hello?" - "Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?" - "Yes." - "Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" - "What's the price?" - "Only $1,500.00" - "Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..." - "Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." - "What price did he quote you?" - "Only $60,000..." - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." - "Great! Before we hang up, something else..." - "What?" - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." - "How much are they asking?" - "Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." - "Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" - "OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" - "Bye... I do too..." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: - "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?" A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do
that, son, or you'll go blind." The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here." George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?" An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" "Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?" Little Johnny's father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn't persuade Little Johnny to go along. Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, "If you go sit outside of the house, I'll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat." An excited Little Johnny agreed. Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, "Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside 'cause there's a Shiners convention going past our house." Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes." There was an inmate on death row, and he was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the next morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started..."One million bottles of beer on the wall......!" An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill. The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma." "Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?" "Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too. An average Iraqi visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors. An average American once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park. An average Iraqi is willing to participate in Holy War for his nation. An average American is willing to participate in People's Choice Awards. An average Iraqi lines up by the thousands to die for his country. An average American will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty. An average Iraqi has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by the West. An average American shoves a McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies. Average Iraqi believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise. An average American believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die. An average Iraqi has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest. An average American has a beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip. An average Iraqi thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius. An average American thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein. A guy leaves his place at the bar to go take a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly. The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is. "Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head". "Jesus Christ! What happened?" "He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!" "Yeah, then what?" "Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you? %#!!*&#!" Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding... "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not." His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!" Cop coming upon a young couple making out.... Cop: What the hell are you two doing? Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid. Cop coming upon a young couple making out.... Cop: What the hell are you two doing? Boy: We're necking. Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here. "Cash, check or charge?" I asked after bagging items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." What doctors or nurses say ---- What they mean. You may feel pressure ---- I am going to stick a needle in you. It’s going to hurt. You may feel some pressure ---- I'm going to use the needle to hunt around for a vein. It'll hurt even more. You'll feel a little pinch ---- I'm going to stick a much bigger needle in you. You do the math. We can aspirate that ---- You thought those other needles were big, wait till you see big molly! We'll have to evacuate that ---- We are going to cut you open and remove parts of your living flesh. The procedure was more complex that we anticipated --- I cut out lots of stuff and, wow, is it going to hurt! A nurse from "Pain Management" will visit you ---- I cut deep, too! We believe that pain management is important ---- We believe that its important that you complain about pain to your nurse from "pain management," not to us. How much does it hurt, on a scale of 1-10? ---- Below five, Tylenol.. 5-8, percocet... 9-10 disable the call button. You can reach me at any time ---- You can reach my answering machine at any time. This is my pager number ---- You cannot even reach my answering machine. A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels great." The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great’". The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?" The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina." Sound Stumpers Solve these puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer. Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (~a place~) Answer: Los Angeles 1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (~a person~) 2. SAND TACKLE LAWS (~a fictional character~) 3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (~a person~) 4. MOW BEAD HICK (~a book~) 5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (~a person~) 6. CHICK HE TUB AN AN US (~a product~) 7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (~a thing~) 8. AISLE OH VIEW (~a phrase~) 9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (~a old TV show~) 10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (~a person~) 11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (~a person~) 12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (~a place~) 13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (~a fictional character~) 14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (~a movie~) 15. BUCK SPUN HE (~a fictional character~) Rules of Holiday Shopping (also seen at "How to park like a moron") Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing. Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred. Rule No. 3: In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up halfway and stop on the line, taking both. Rule No. 4: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him. Rule No. 5: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car. Rule No. 6: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. Rule No. 7: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed. Rule No. 8: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers. Rule No. 9: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it. Rule No. 10: If you have handicapped license plates, use up a regular parking spot. Rule No. 11: If you hit the adjacent car with your door and leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy," and park somewhere else. Rule No. 12: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him. Rule No. 13: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait. Rule No. 14: When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it. Rule No. 15: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles. Rule No. 16: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast. Rule No. 17: If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you. Rule No. 18: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought. Rule No. 19: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores. Rule No. 20: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again. Rule No. 21: When shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot. Rule No. 22: When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them. Rule No. 23: If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall's parking lot, there isn't any! Rule No. 24: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number." Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act," answers the man. "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!" It's Good to be a man! Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. You don't have to shave below your neck. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's butt if someone doesn't notice your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky looking. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking? "He must be mad at me." You don't mooch off other's desserts. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife or your teeth. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. Larry Lands Sr. suffered a shotgun wound to one of his legs. The assailant was a dead turkey. Larry Sr. and his son, Larry Jr., had been out poaching in Washington County, Missouri, when Larry Jr. spotted an eastern wild turkey. After successfully calling the bird in to his range, Larry Jr. shot the bird. It was not yet the season for wild turkey hunts, so Larry Jr. had to hurry up and bag the bird as fast as he could, tossing the prize into the trunk of their car, along with his semi-automatic shotgun. After several minutes of sounds coming from the trunk of the car, the Lands duo stopped their car to investigate. (For those of you unaware of the neurological phenomenon of fowl, turkeys, much like chickens, have a pseudo-active nervous system which can last many minutes even after the body has died.) Upon opening the trunk of the car, they saw the turkey, standing on its own two feet, flapping its wings and obviously reacting in the way that dying birds behave. Unsure of what to do, they slammed shut the trunk of the car, at which point the turkey slipped onto the shotgun's trigger, discharging a round through the body of the car, and lodging itself into the leg of Mr. Lands Sr. The moral of the story? Always fully discharge your shotgun after use, leave the safety on, and for heaven's sake, beware the dying bird! Q: What did the dumb blond say to the large breasted waitress after reading her nametag? A: What did you name the other one!! Work Environment: (Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT (Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION (Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION (Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself in the position of having to buy condoms, something I hadn't had to do for better than twenty years. The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the pharmacy clerk for some help. He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated, colored, glow in the dark (assuming you can't find it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more. At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked which condom he recommended. He replied, "The condom made of lamb intestine has a more natural feel." I said, "Not to us city boys." How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van? Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass. A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to
the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very
compromising and humiliating way. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi's a goner." Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice, and she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON." She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers’ just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching." They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellhop, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam!", replied the bellhop. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellhop said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!" Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border. The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at the papers: This car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs agent. "Quattro means 4!" "Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!" "He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno." Q: What's the national anthem of the jungle? A: Tarzan Stripes Forever A decorated war veteran, fresh off the bus, is looking for a place to stay. He hears that room and board is available from the three old spinsters at the edge of town, but is advised they are very picky in letting strangers stay there. He decides to chance it, and limps on up to the front door. His knock is answered by Gladys. "What do you want, sonny?" she asks him. "Ma'am, I'm just looking for a hot meal and a room for the night," he answers. The other two old spinsters gather around the door. "Who's out there? Does he look decent?" they ask. Gladys says, "It's a soldier, and he's got a Purple Heart on." The other two spinsters giggle and say, "The hell with what color it is... let him in!" Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz? 1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.2. Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words) 3. "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words) 4. What do M&Ms do? 5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? 6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew him as ... (2 words) 7. "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words) 8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial) 9. "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words) 10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what? 11. "Brylcream: ..." (6 words) 12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words) 13. "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ..." (6 words) 14. "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words) 15. Where have all the flowers gone? 16. Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for truth, justice, and ..." (3 words) 17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname! 18. "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong to the finish ..." (5 words) 19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators? 20. In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised about his future and told to consider one thing. What? 21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor, announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2 words) And he lied! 22. "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no lip to ..." (2 words) 23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words) 24. "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words) 25. "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words) 26. "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie! 27. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today! Smile! ..." (4 words) . . . . . Answers: 1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr (Richard Starkey) 2. Oh, my! 3. It's Howdy Doody Time! 4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 5. Wonder bread 6. Casius Clay 7. "when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent" 8. Maynard G. Crebbs 9. "... why, because we like you." 10. nothing but a smile! 11. "a little dab will do ya." 12. over 30! 13. "...who wrote the book of love" 14. "absolutely nothing!" 15. "long time passing" 16. "the American way" 17. "Joe Nameth", aka "Broadway Joe", aka "Joe Willie". 18. "...'cause I eats me spinach." 19. Mary Martin. 20. "Plastic" 21. Dick Nixon. 22. "Big John" 23. on blueberry hill. 24. "...wherever you are." 25. "Good night, David." 26. "...pants on fire." 27. "You're on Candid Camera." Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can." After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split." As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area.Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction (and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck. "We're moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood." "Why? What happened?" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: "Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage."
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