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A few ethnic jokes heard at Howiee's Pub: * * * * * What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day? On St. Patrick's day everyone claims to be Irish. * * * * * Q: What's the definition of an Irish gentleman? A: He removes the dishes before pissing in the sink. * * * * * Q: What do you call 100 Jewish American Princes' in a basement? A: A whine cellar. * * * * * Q: Did you hear about the new Jewish tire? A: It not only stops on a dime but picks it up! * * * * * Q: Why do Jews wear Yamikas? A: Because propellers cost extra. * * * * * [Many thanks to Dave H.] "Oh God," sighed the wife one
morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!" Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair." During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as
we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement,
"We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This
flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C.,
then you should 'deplane' at this time." GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD Crawford, Texas (AP) A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library
of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where
the books were kept. Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said
the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
The White House tried to call FEMA but there was no answer. My neighbor, the homebuilder, came home drunk and managed
to park in the garage, but injured himself when he knocked some sample storm
windows he had on a shelf. He got a few nicks on his face, so he rushed to the
bathroom and did some first aid on himself. Bill's friend Harry was in big trouble when he forgot his
wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something
in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning his wife found a small package in the
driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Not sure when Harry gets out of the Hospital. The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars for the employees during lunchtime. These deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around: LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? (Get your manager's permission before attending) Looks like that question's been answered. A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he
says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state
dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife gets up and unplugs the TV. Tips for Surviving the Modern World It is no real new thing this face transplant technology.
For many years the women I know have been having it done. The real mystery is
how they manage to get it done between when I go to bed with them and when I
wake up. "Microsoft launches anti-virus service" http://www.vnunet.com/vnunet/news/2146980/microsoft-launches-anti-virus What are they going to do, phase out Windows? WHEN FISHERMEN MEET "Hiyamac" Washington, DC: The American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) issued a stern warning today to Televangelist Pat Robertson. Robertson had recently condemned the citizens of Dover, PA to the wrath of God for not voting in a school board that would teach Intelligent Design in classes. "We'd like to say to the good Reverend Robertson: if there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to Science, you just rejected it from your life," AAAS said on its daily television show broadcast from Washington, the 3.14159 Club. "And don't wonder why it hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. We're not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just pushed science out of your life. And if that's the case, don't ask for its help because it might not be there," they said. "In particular, you won't have a phone to call the ambulance, and it won't exist even if you could call it. And even if the doctor lived next door and you could call her, she would only bleed you and put smelly poultices on your forehead to balance your humours. And she would be a guy." "Actually, we're just kidding," the AAAS later corrected. "Science works whether you believe in it or not. That's what's really cool about it," they said [By Brad Templeton – Dave] http://ideas.4brad.com/node/303 YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN ARIZONA WHEN:
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