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[Groaner alert - Dave] Q: Who invented
fractions? A: Henry the1/8. [If that didn't make you sick, the next one will - Dave] [
Sick joke below!] Q: What is the
definition of relative humidity? A: The sweat on your
balls from f**king your sister. [I
warned you that was a sick one! Told to me by Jeff Preagetzer - ugh] She said to him "You
want some strange stuff" Then put it in another 4 inches!” [Another one from Jeff
- Thanks Jeff, I think.] [Warning:
ANOTHER sick joke below - Dave] Q: How do you know
when a midget is on her period? A: She keeps tripping
on the string. [Told you that was a horrible joke! I heard on one of the comedy channels on satellite radio.] Q: Do you know how they make Crazy Glue? A: From retarded horses! [Written by me - Dave. Thank you! Taking a bow] I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan. I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days. All my love, *The Flu* [Speaking of the Flu] The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of Avian Flu (bird flu.)" If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately: 1. High fever A woman excited about her new tattoo of a mouse she had to
the inside of her upper thigh. She rushed home to surprise her boyfriend. When
it came time to make some whoopee, she took off her clothes, jumped into bed,
threw back her hair, spread open her legs and said, "What do you
think?" After he looked for a few seconds, he said "I don't
understand? Think of what?" "My tattoo! The one of the mouse!" "I don't see nothing,” he said." Aggravated at him she looked and shouted, "Damn, my
pussy must have ate it!" [Heard at "Howiee's" - Dave] I'm a tri-sexual. I'll try anything! [Told to me by my wife Ellen! - Dave] Some odd rambling from a Senior citizen: [Sent in by Kent B. - Thanks! - Dave] Finally! A newsworthy news story! Yahoo news reported that two of the Carolina Panthers
cheerleading squad were apprehended and arrested in a Tampa bar for tying up the
women's bathroom - by making love in it. The story concluded by saying, "The Panthers
cheerleaders were not in town to perform at the game" . . . Too damn bad. I would have paid money to see that
halftime show! [Editor's addendum - the cheerleaders in question were
promptly fired by the Panthers. But not to worry - they've received several
offers from the Vikings. . .] [By: Mitchell J. Edelman,] posted on RHF Jokes: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/ My wife is Chinese. We're having issues with our
Homeowner's Association, and she's happy that she thinks she's found the right
person to bribe, and now she just needs to bribe him until we get what we want
(architectural changes to shared property). She explains to me, "This is how you do things in
China. You find the person to bribe, then you bribe him, then things get done.
In the USA, you don't know who to bribe!" "Yes," I replied. "Here, you have to be
pretty well-connected or wealthy to know who to bribe. It helps keep the plebes
out of politics. We're much less democratic than China." [By: Rimbo: posted on RHF jokes: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/ THOSE DEFINING DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN THINGY (thing-ee) n. LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n. GLASS CEILING (glass see-ling) n. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. BUTT (but) n. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. TASTE (tayst) v. Dead Men Read No Mail My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding
address. Therefore, it fell on me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much
really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance
agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more. * * * * * * Dear Mr. Hanson, Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00 service charge from you account. Please adjust your records accordingly. Sincerely, * * * * * * Dear Phoenix Branch, This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, * * * * * * Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his death. Dear Mr. Hanson, It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this office immediately. Failure to do so will result in the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of your coverage. Sincerely, * * * * * * Dear Insurance Agent, This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the policy, and adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, * * * * * * The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this: Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it is very important that you contact me immediately. I sense that you are about to enter a time of unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how best to take full advantage of the opportunities that are coming your way. Sincerely, * * * * * * Dear Psychic Reader, My father regrets he will be unable to call your 900 number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know my father is dead, and had been for more than three weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my father would be more than happy to take you up on your offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet with him personally. Sincerely, P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car insurance. * * * * * * A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived: Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make other arrangements. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving all of your future borrowing needs. Sincerely, * * * * * * Dear San Diego District Office, I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father died in January. Since then, the number of checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no longer needs. As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your breath. Sincerely, * * * * * * Dear Mr. Hanson, Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned over to us for collection. Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt. Sincerely, * * * * * * Dear Collection Agency, I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead. He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead, dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that. Please adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, * * * * * * A few more months, and: Dear Mr. Hanson, Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the matter will be turned over to a collection agency. Such action will adversely affect your credit history. Sincerely, * * * * * * Dear Los Angeles Regional Office, I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at
the fourth address to tell your bank that my father passed away in January.
Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of amazement and amusement as your
bank continues to transact business with him. Now, you are even threatening his
credit history. It should come as no surprise that you have received little
response from my deceased father. It should also be small news that his credit
history is of minor importance to him now. For the fourth and final time, please
adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, * * * * * * Dear Mr. Hanson, This is your final notice of payment due to your insurance
agent. If our firm does not receive payment of $54.17, we will commence legal
action on the matter. Please contact us at once. Sincerely, * * * * * * Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency, You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number. Sincerely, * * * * * * It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from
these firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father
is dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar
correspondence.
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