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Q: What does a 650-pound gerbil do for kicks? A: He shoves a homo up his ass. The United States Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honor his first term achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp has not been sticking to the envelopes. This has enraged the President, who has demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, a special Presidential Commission has made the following findings:
Q: What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards? A: She gets her ass chewed out. Rush Limbaugh was detained and questioned for transporting a possible illegal Viagra prescription into the country. Well... a least we know his back is feeling better! Things you'll never hear at a NASCAR Race: "None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth." "Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race." "Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!" "My God, this is a splendid Merlot!" "Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!" "Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attaché case." "What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!" "These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!" "Whew! No more beer for me, fellas." "And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!" Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. The second patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. Q: Why the different treatment for the two patients? A: The first is a Senior Citizen, the second is a Golden Retriever. Q: How do you know when you've been given a great blowjob? A: You have to pull the bed sheets out of your ass. At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black cocks, but the one in the middle had a pink cock. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." How to say....."I Love You" in Different Languages English.........I Love You Spanish........Te Amo French.........Je T'aime German........Ich Liebe Dich Japanese......Ai Shite Imasu Italian...........Ti Amo Chinese........Wo Ai Ni Swedish.......Jag Alskar Dig Eskimo.........Nagligivaget Greek...........S'Agapo Hawaiian.......Aloha Wau la Oe Irish.............Thaim In Grabh Leat Hebrew.........Ani Ohev Otakh Russian........Ya Lyublyu Tyebya Albanian.......Une Te Dua Finnish.........Mina Rakkastan Sinua Turkish.........Seni Seviyorum Hungarian....Se Ret Lay Persian........Du Stet Daram Maltese........ien Inhobbok Catalan........Testimo Molt Redneck ......Nice Tits A Jewish woman's husband dies. He only had $30,000 to his name. After everything was done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend said, "How can that be?" The widow said, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the shul ..that was $500, and I spent another $500 for food and drinks for the people when I was sitting shiva. The rest went for the memorial stone." Her friend said, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My, how big is it?" The widow said, "Three carats."
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