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Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
* * * * * * * * * *
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
[WARNING - SICK JOKE BELOW]
Q: How do Polish women get pregnant?
A: Have the man cum in her socks and let the flies carry it up
[By my wife -- Ellen, ew, thanks, I think]
Q: What do you call a German tampon?
A: A twatstika!
I'm to young for Medicare, to old for chicks to care.
-- Heard on the Don Imus show.
Yo mamas so fat --
--.she had to be baptized at Sea World
[By Yvonne - thanks - Dave]
If my dogs balls were as ugly as her, he'd stop licking them!
* * * *
Innuendo = An Italian suppository.
* * * *
She's so ugly that I'd shave her dog's ass and make her walk backwards!
[Heard at the local bar - Dave]
The Republicans in Congress are all in an uproar because former Rep. Mark Foley had sexually explicit conversations with a bunch of 16-year-old boys. If they think about it, there's a silver lining for them: At least he didn't want to marry them.
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
One Saturday I was running errands for my wife. I had gone to Wal-Mart and was standing in line waiting to buy a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever. A woman behind me looking at the bag asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
Seen on the bottom of a thong bikini, apparently...
Read my lips! No more Bush
From: jganz @ sailnow . com (Jonathan Ganz)
Maybe this is why it seems only women's letters to Abby are printed....
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob
With these gas prices, I got smart. I'm driving the new Patrick Kennedy Hybrid car... It runs on sleeping pills and when you get on the highway, it runs on alcohol.
Huge oil find in Gulf of Mexico leads to mass suicides of Prius drivers in San Francisco!
[Seen on The Peoples Cube - http://www.thepeoplescube.com/ - This is a VERY funny site, that is if you can get passed all the Repugican bootlicking - Dave]
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself right at home.
Then, Fidel notices that he accidentally left his luggage back in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema. I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should climb over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees."
Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious transubstantiate
Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
An elderly woman was caught shoplifting. The storeowner thought she had been shoplifting for some time, and finally caught her at it. At trial, she pleaded guilty and threw herself on the mercy of the court. The judge asked, "What did you steal?"
"A can of peaches."
"Why did you steal them?"
"I am too poor to afford peaches but really love them, so I took them."
"How many peaches were in the can?"
"The label said 'six'."
The judge frowned, cleared his throat, and pronounced the sentence: "You stole six peaches, so I sentence you to six days in jail."
As the gallery gasped at the severity of the sentence, her husband stood up in the back of the courtroom and asked if he could say a few words.
"Certainly," replied the judge, "if they are relevant."
"Doesn't the police record show that she also stole a can of peas?"
Reagan, Clinton and George W. Bush were all stuck in house in Kansas during a tornado warning. One tornado approached very close to the house. Reagan stood up and said, "I'll handle this." He went to the window and yelled at the tornado, calling it an evil empire. The tornado passed by the house. Reagan sat down and said, "I made it go away."
Soon another tornado was reported in the area. Clinton called up FEMA and laid up plans to help out anyone hurt by the tornado. He also invited a young girl named Dorothy to seek shelter with him in the cellar.
Shortly thereafter another tornado was sighted heading right for their house. All could see it right out the window bearing down on them. George W. Bush stood up and said, "I'll fix this." And he went over to the window and pulled down the shade.
[Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com) Copyright 2006 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.]
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
[By - tomkanpa]
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