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This just in: The Supreme Court has ordered a recount in the Oscar voting for best documentary. -- Bob Kaplow Guy stands in elevator, door opens and a blonde lady gets on. "T.G.I.F." she says to the man. "S.H.I.T." he says right back. "Look, I am not tying to be ugly, I just wanted to say 'Thank God its Friday'" she says. He looks at her and says "I am not trying to be rude either but 'Sorry, Hon, it's Thursday!'" (Yes, some of these are old but the new ones are great - Dave) Some Chinese proverbs Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano; wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs. Man who farts in church sits in own pew. Crowded elevator smells different to midget. A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, "Maybe we'd better tell him that's a septic tank." A 460-foot asteroid will come close and may hit Earth in 2036. They say the U.N. should take action to protect Earth from this possible disaster. I wonder how many U.N. resolutions it will take before that asteroid decides to change it's ways? -- home 6354 @ yahoo . com The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, "My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem." "High-speed modem?" questions the judge. "Yes" replies the lawyer, "It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chat-rooms, your honor." "Cybersex?" says the judge, "You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!" "Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer, "My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed CD-ROM." "12-speed CD-ROM?" queries the judge. "Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk." "And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related... Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days." "Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is." "That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge. Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.) Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?" Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?" Submitted by: L Cooler @ aol . com A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there good lookin'. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it doesn't matter to me, I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with? Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed." People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! A guy sitting at a bar sees a good-looking girl nearby. Guy: "You come here often?" Yo momma so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass. Don't laugh!" said the patient, Bob. "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Bob replied. The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S**t!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey y'all, watch this!" A Preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead donkey in the churchyard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Preacher to the health department. The health department said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor. Now the Preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the Preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?" The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!" "CIRCUMCISION NOW SEEN AS POINTLESS" Q: How do you circumcise a whale? A: Send down fore-skin divers.
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick! A little baby boy was born with out eyelids and when they needed to graft the skin onto his forehead, they used the foreskin off his penis from the circumcision. All was going well for the little boy, and after some time went by, his father asked the Doctor if he would be alright. The doctor replied, "Well, he'll be a little cock-eyed from now on." Q: What do you get when you breed a cat with a rabbit? A: A pussy hare. The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven." A married couple was planning to go to Hawaii for their 10th anniversary. The lady told her husband that she had to finish her work and would come down in a week. The husband said ok and left for Hawaii. It had been a week and the husband was going to E-mail his wife to make sure she was still coming. He forgot her email address and put down what he remembered. In an unrelated story, an old woman was sitting in her rocker crying because her husband had died 1 week ago. Looking for something to keep her mind occupied she went over to the computer hoping to find some E-mail from a friend or two. After she logged on, the computer said, "You've got mail," so she clicked on it and she fell to the floor dead. The Housekeeper ran in and found the woman dead. She didn't see why the woman died, but she looked on the computer screen and this is what it said; "I have been down here for about a week now and it's really hot! I have been waiting for you. Come soon! Love you lots! Your husband Fishing season hasn't opened and a fisherman who doesn't have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks: "Any luck?" "Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday," he boasts. "Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?" asks the stranger. "Nope." "Well, meet the new game warden." "Oh," gulped the fisherman. "Well, do you know who I am?" "Nope." "Meet the biggest liar in the state." Submitted by: Tootcrow @ aol.com After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate." And the Reverend said, "NO SH*T?" My kids asked me why a particular expensive college with no outstanding programs was so highly ranked in the US and News Report rankings. The only reply I had was that colleges tend to be ranked like porn stars: by how well endowed they are. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?" One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog." Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie." There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog." JUDGE: Why did you shoot your wife? HOMER: Because she was sleeping with my best friend. JUDGE: What did you do to your best friend? HOMER: I swatted him with a newspaper and said, "bad boy!" DICTIONARY OF EVALUATION COMMENTS (PART I) Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. DICTIONARY OF EVALUATION COMMENTS (PART II) GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated. A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." Submitted by: Moodyfan77 @ aol . com
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