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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave using a cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name? "Maury Fishbein," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and hatred to stop. I pray for all of our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a damn wall." [Forwarded by Alex Lazarovici – Thanks – Dave] This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammad Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers. Who knew it would come to this? It's getting ugly. [Forwarded by Ken Barber – Visit his Blog with a click on the name, I'll still be here – Thanks – Dave] In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just good old-fashioned ’stiff drink’. Pepsi will market the new occasion by the name of: Mount & Do I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the Help Hotline. I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan. I explained that I was feeling suicidal. They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.... One fateful day the seven dwarfs left to go work at the local coalmine (hey, even little people have to make a dollar) while Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine around noon with their food she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out for them. She prayed her dwarfs had survived. "Hello, hello," she cried out… "Can anyone hear me? Hello…" For quite some time, without hearing a word. Just as she was about to lose hope, Snow White called out one last time… "Hello. Is anyone down there? Please, can anyone here me?" She then heard a faint voice, deep from within the mine. The voice said, "Vote for Hillary!" Snow White, relieved that at least one dwarf had survived, gasped "Oh, thank God Dopey is still alive." You were quiet when they came and took Pluto. [By: Earle Jones] [Caution - Racial stereotype - but funny! - Dave] A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth… Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?" St. Peter said, "That’s a question only God can answer." So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?" God simply replied, "You are what you are!" The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?" The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said ‘You are what you are.’" St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes." The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?" "Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is!" Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied, "That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That’s easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! Here is what I tell her: "Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue. I love waking up and making love to you!" Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental." But he decided it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. So he spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell, bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip… the works!! Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said, "I don’t know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem." "Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, Eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I’d hump you like a dog!" Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona: 1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART. 2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP. 3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN! 4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING. 5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER. 6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE. 7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU. 8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS. 9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING. 10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES. WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF. In memory of the late Marcel Marceau, recently passed away on September 22, 2007. The following thoughts came from a few out in cyberspace: I wonder if he had any last words? [From: Drew Derbyshire]
In memory of the late Marcel Marceau, a moment of silence... [From: Bob Kaplow]
Subject: This joke has been stuck in an invisible box for years Friend: "Marcel Marceau died yesterday." Me: "You don't say!" [From: Wei-Hwa Huang]
[Note - there's no truth to the rumor that he was buried in a casket that keeps getting smaller... - ed.] [Stolen from RHF Jokes] A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric Choo-Choo train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you pissed about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." My brother Phil used to work hard at a local tractor and lawn mower repair facility. He spent most evenings working on the house or taking care of the house while she was always running off spending his money. His wife, in an unusual display of conscience, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club, which is just up the street from their house. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey Phil, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. "Oh no," says Phil. "I worked on his tractor." When they are seated, a waitress asks Phil if he’d like his usual drink. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you’re drink". "No, honey, she’s in the Lady at the tractor repair office. I share the computer with her." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Phil. "Hi Phillip," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Phil’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Phil follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Phil." Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age," Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." [Speaking of age, you won’t understand unless you are over 40 – Dave] I stopped to get my hair cut after work last night and the woman who took care of me was talking about a place downtown where she had been partying the night before. I asked her what it was like and she said, "It's an '80s theme club." [Feel old now?!? That was from Bruce Jones – Dave] [Well, this one will make you lose your lunch it's so "cutesy." - Dave] Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?" His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room. Then I set up a date by sending an E-mail to your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self-extracting file, which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You’ve Got Male!" A mind reader is at a nightclub one night and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities. First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist: "Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! Good crowd!" Then the drummer: "Lots of people showed up tonight...Great! We’re going to make good money tonight" Then the Keyboard player: "All three of these guys have no appreciation of my talent...What a bunch of losers" Finally, the Bass player: "C...G...C...G..." Gee, I hope O.J.'s recent arrest doesn't distract him from his search for the real killers... [From: mazerfamily @ themazers . org] One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go un-rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself, as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. "Honey," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She replied with a snicker, "It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow!" Belichick fine reduced (Boston) - NFL officials today confirmed rumors that the reported $500,000 fine levied against New England Patriots' coach Bill Belichick for "stealing" an opposing team's signals has been dramatically reduced after review of the videotape. One NFL official close to the investigation revealed that the only signals visible on the tape were from players on the opposing team, repeatedly making the sign of the cross. [By: Bill Horne]
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