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[WARNING! Sick, unfunny, un-P.C. joke below! - Actually it IS funny!] "The handicap are like 'Slinky's.' Not good for much but sure are fun to push down a flight of stairs." [Told to me by Sara the bartender at "Joe's Bar & Grill" - Thanks, I think - Dave] * * * "Lick them and they will come." [Seen on a young lady's T-shirt - I laughed out loud for five minutes! - Dave] Mary had a little skirt Who's slit was in the front Every time she walked her sheep You could see her... clothes needed mending. [By Redd Foxx] A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down." SCAM ALERT! A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, &23rd. Also January 2nd, 4th, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming week. So be careful. [Forwarded to me by Ken Barber who saw it on Craigslist - Hmmmm… I wonder if Home Depot sells wallets? - Dave] An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. Then Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia. For the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished. The extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each with a whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly. The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and merciful highness," the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asked. The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back." An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed. Then he said, "Hey old man have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at him and said, "Nope, never had a hankering to." The city of Paris lost the chance to host the 2012 Olympics and they're very bitter about it. Apparently the Parisians are disappointed because they were looking forward to being rude to thousands of new people. [Heard on the Conan O'Brien show] A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool you're gonna dance now," and he started shooting at the old man's feet. The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing. He fired his last bullet, holstered his gun and turned around to go back in the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, got his 10-gauge shotgun and pulled both hammers back, making a loud click. The gunslinger heard this, and then everything got quiet. He slowly turned around and was looking at the old prospector aiming both barrels right at him. The old man asked him, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, "No Sir, but I've always wanted to!" My sister does a lot of telephone calling. She called the Phone Company about something, and they were so polite that she thought she had the wrong number. Five minutes later a survey company called and said, "They don't know but we are conducting a follow-up survey." "They know," she interrupted… How do you say, "fuck you" in Hebrew? "Trust me." London's Daily Telegraph reports on Saddam's death: According to government spokesman Sami Al Askari, Saddam was asked whether there was anything he wanted to say. "No, come no," he replied. "Just do it." Gee, I wonder how much Nike paid for that product placement? [Originally written by: Ian Halliday] A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a man named Murphy. The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that lazy Irishman," so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Murphy says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Murphy says "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." "Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question; using the same rules, represent 99." Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Murphy says "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." Murphy stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says "There ya go sir, 100." The boss looks at Murphy's attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time." He says, "Go on Murphy, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred." Murphy leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree. So, now you've got a dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred, when do I start me job?"
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