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GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL DATING The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs." 1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. - Doesn't engage in oral sex. A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said. The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." These submissions from Shawnya! Thank you! "The Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary" 'I'm a Romantic." ( "I'm poor.") "I want a commitment." ( "I'm sick of masturbation." ) "I'll give you a call." ( "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again..") "You're the only girl I've ever cared about" ( "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." ) "I really want to get to know you better." ( "So I can tell my friends about it." ) "Haven't I seen you before?" ( "Nice ass." ) "I don't know if I like her" ( "She won't sleep with me." ) "I miss you so much" ( "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." "Was it good for you?" ( "I'm insecure about my manhood." ) "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" ("Is my penis really that small?" ) "I had a wonderful time last night." ( "Who the hell are you?" ) "Do you love me?" ( "I've done something stupid and you might find out." ) "Do you 'really' love me?" ( "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.") "How much do you love me?" ( "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now." ) "I have something to tell you." ( "Get tested." ) "I've been thinking a lot." ( "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk." ) "I've learned a lot from you." ( "Next!!!!" ) Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 60?" "67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already knew that, officer" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across." The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!" Q: Why do they give old men in nursing homes Viagra? A: To keep them from rolling out of bed! HOW TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS: 1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4) Your significant other is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5) You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving call 1-800-***-****." 6) Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7) You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8) You're counting down the days until menopause. 9) You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, "Big tits." He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship." So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big! BLIND DATES Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date. Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect for you". However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive phrases into plain English: DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER: The Types Of Girlfriends Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't
have." Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you
see you're making me miserable?" Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps." The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
career, goals, home, or hair color?" Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the
front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at" Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship" Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed
weasel." Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a grea big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's
office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and when
she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my manicure and a bath." Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older" but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes they will sing Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast." "I'm late." "Where is my coat?" "I'm going to miss the bus." Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for office. When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful, "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?' Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and because it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?" It sounded like a good idea, because we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids............... And there I sat with nothing on but my socks. Q. What's the difference between Seattle and San Francisco? A. Seattle has ferry terminals and.......
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