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In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day -- Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? A: Patio furniture. (Get it? Paddy O'Furniture? Yeah, okay… groan…) Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why did God invent lawyers? A: So that realtors would have someone to look down on.
Q: What do you call a sheep that does housework? A: A threat to women everywhere. Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" "They're mating, Lucy" he replied. "What do you call the spider on top Daddy?" Lucy asked. "Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs." Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!" This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra: TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is? JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra. TEACHER: Very good, Johnny. They come to the elephant. TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal this is? JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an elephant? TEACHER: Very good, Jane. They come to the baboon cage. TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is? No response. Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly. TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try? BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face... must be a truck driver. YET ANOTHER CROSSBRED DOGS LIST * BLOODHOUND X LABRADOR Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly. What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. What is a Dog? 1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the pharmacist for some hair remover. The pharmacist gave her the product requested and advised, "Just remember to keep your arms up for at least five minutes" "Errr... it's not for my armpits," she flustered, embarrassed, "it's for my Chihuahua" "Oh well, in that case," said the pharmacist, "don't ride a bike for three days." "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -- Anon. I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license! Two farmers with a truckload of compost had a flat tire beside a mental hospital. As they were fixing the flat a group of patients gathered to watch. One patient asks "what do you have in the truck?" The farmer responded "cow manure." The patient asks "what are you going to do with it?" The farmer says "Put it on our strawberries." After the farmers left the inquisitive patient turned to his buddies and said "they say we are crazy, but we put sugar on our strawberries." While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!" In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece. One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!" A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint. "Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!" "Yes, it would appear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome." "Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man. "It's not unusual," replied the doctor. It was summer camp season, and the Boy Scout troop was toasting marshmallows over the campfire, to the rousing tune, "99 bottles of beer on the wall..." A short distance away, at the Young Israel camp, it was "99 bottles of schnapps..." Sadly, at the nearby Mormon camp, the young folks around the campfire were all passed out from exhaustion. You can still hear the echoes, " 99 bottles of non-carbonated alcohol-free beverages on the wall..." A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
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