|
|
|
|
|
|
In view of the recent death of Rev. Jerry Falwell, I submit that I don't feel all that bad about it, as a matter of fact, seeing how he HATED so many people during his life, the only upshot to his assuming room temperature is that at least I'll have another place to dance! I think a "Farewell to Falwell" quote seems appropriate as well. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow Now, on with the jokes... sort of. The below post is a must read. Forwarded by Ken Barber who found it on Craigslist. A few of them were "stinkers" as he put it, but I left them anyway and let you decide. Then a ton of new jokes - promise! * * * * * It's amazing what one has to believe to believe in gun control. That the more helpless you are the safer you are from criminals. That Washington DC's low murder rate of 69 per 100,000 is due to gun control, and Indianapolis' high murder rate of 9 per 100,000 is due to the lack of gun control. That "NYPD Blue" and "Miami Vice" are documentaries. That an intruder will be incapacitated by tear gas or oven spray, but if shot with a .44 Magnum will get angry and kill you. That firearms in the hands of private citizens are the gravest threat to world peace, and China, Pakistan and Korea can be trusted with nuclear weapons. That Charlton Heston as president of the NRA is a shill who should be ignored, but Michael Douglas as a representative of Handgun Control, Inc. is an ambassador for peace who is entitled to an audience at the UN arms control summit. That ordinary people, in the presence of guns, turn into slaughtering butchers, and revert to normal when the weapon is removed. That the New England Journal of Medicine is filled with expert advice about guns, just like Guns and Ammo has some excellent treatises on heart surgery. That one should consult an automotive engineer for safer seatbelts, a civil engineer for a better bridge, a surgeon for spinal paralysis, a software engineer for computer problems, and Sarah Brady for firearms expertise. That the "right of the people peaceably to assemble," the "right of the people to be secure in their homes," "enumeration's herein of certain rights shall not be construed to disparage others retained by the people," "The powers not delegated herein are reserved to the states respectively, and to the people," refer to individuals, but "the right of the people to keep and bear arms" refers to the states. That the 2nd Amendment, ratified in 1787, allows the states to have a National Guard, created by act of Congress in 1917. That the National Guard, paid by the federal government, occupying property leased to the federal government, using weapons owned by the federal government, punishing trespassers under federal law, is a state agency. That private citizens can't have handguns, because they serve no militia purpose, even though the military has hundreds of thousands of them, and private citizens can't have assault rifles, because they are military weapons. That it is reasonable for California to have a minimum 2 year sentence for possessing but not using an assault rifle, and reasonable for California to have a 6 month minimum sentence for raping a female police officer. That it is reasonable to jail people for carrying but not using guns, but outrageous to jail people for possessing marijuana. That minimum sentences violate civil rights, unless it's for possessing a gun. That door-to-door searches for drugs are a gross violation of civil rights and a sign of fascism, but door-to-door searches for guns are a reasonable solution to the "gun problem." That the first amendment absolutely allows child pornography and threats to kill cops, but doesn't apply to manuals on gun repair. That Illinois' law that allows any government official from Governor to dogcatcher to carry a gun is reasonable, and the law that prohibits any private citizen, even one with 50 death threats on file and a million-dollar jewelry business, is reasonable. And it isn't a sign of police stateism. That free speech entitles one to own newspapers, transmitters, computers, and typewriters, but self-defense only justifies bare hands. That gun safety courses in school only encourage kids to commit violence, but sex education in school doesn't encourage kids to have sex. That the ready availability of guns today, with only a few government forms, waiting periods, checks, infringements, ID, and fingerprinting, is responsible for all the school shootings, compared to the lack of school shootings in the 1950's and 1960's, which was caused by the awkward availability of guns at any hardware store, gas station, and by mail order. That we must get rid of guns because a deranged lunatic may go on a shooting spree at any time and anyone who owns a gun out of fear of such a lunatic is paranoid. That there is too much explicit violence featuring guns on TV, and that cities can sue gun manufacturers because people aren't aware of the dangers involved with guns. That the gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign about kids handling guns is propaganda, and the anti-gun lobby's attempt to run a "don't touch" campaign is responsible social activity. That the crime rate in America is decreasing because of gun control, and the increase in crime requires more gun control. That 100 years after its founding, the NRA got into the politics of guns from purely selfish motives, and 100 years after the Emancipation Proclamation, the black civil rights movement was founded from purely noble motives. That statistics showing high murder rates justify gun control, and statistics that show increasing murder rates after gun control are "just statistics." That we don't need guns against an oppressive government, because the Constitution has internal safeguards, and we should ban and seize all guns, therefore violating the 2nd, 4th, and 5th Amendments of that Constitution, thereby becoming an oppressive government. That guns are an ineffective means of self defense for rational adults, but in the hands of an ignorant criminal become a threat to the fabric of society. That guns are so complex to use that special training is necessary to use them properly, and so simple to use that they make murder easy. That guns cause crime, which is why there are so many mass slayings at gun shows. That guns aren't necessary to national defense, which is why the army only has 3 million of them. That banning guns works, which is why New York, DC, and Chicago cops need guns. That the Constitution protects us, so we don't need guns, and can confiscate them, thereby violating the 5th amendment of that constitution. That women are just as intelligent and capable as men and a woman with a gun is "an accident waiting to happen". That women are just as intelligent and capable as men, and gun makers' advertisements aimed at women are "preying on their fears." That a handgun, with up to 4 controls, is far too complex for the typical adult to learn to use, as opposed to an automobile that only has 20. That a majority of the population supports gun control, just like a majority of the population used to support owning slaves. That one should ignore as idiots politicians who confuse Wicca with Satanism and exaggerate the gay community as a threat to society, but listen sagely to politicians who can refer to a self-loading small arm as a "weapon of mass destruction" and an "assault weapon." That Massachusetts is safer with bans on guns, which is why Teddy Kennedy has machinegun-toting guards. That most people can't be trusted, so we should have laws against guns, which most people will abide by, because they can be trusted. That a woman raped and strangled with her panties is morally superior to a woman with a smoking gun and a dead rapist at her feet. That guns should be banned because of the danger involved, and live reporting from the battlefield, which can keep the enemy informed of troop deployments, getting thousands of troops killed and perhaps losing a war, is a protected act that CANNOT be compromised on. That the right of online child pornographers to exist cannot be questioned because it is a constitutionally protected extension of the Bill of Rights, and the claim that handguns are for self defense is merely an excuse, and not really protected by the Bill of Rights. That the ACLU is good because it uncompromisingly defends certain parts of the Constitution, and the NRA is bad, because it defends other parts of the Constitution. That police operate in groups with backup, which is why they need larger capacity magazines than civilians, who must face criminals alone, and therefore need less ammunition. That we should ban "Saturday Night Specials" and other inexpensive guns because it's not fair that poor people have access to guns too. That guns have no legitimate use, but alcohol does, which is why we issue cops beer instead of guns. That police and soldiers are the dregs of society who were unfit to get any real job, which perfectly qualifies them with the high moral standards and keen intellects to handle these complicated tools and be our guardians. End of Gun Control Post Jokes! * * * * * In response to the current problems with contaminated cat food, Mother Nature, Inc., would like to remind you of her traditional line of 100% all-natural cat foods. No pouches, no bags, no cans. No mysterious "meat byproducts." No harmful chemicals. And they may be bought at little or no cost. Each meal comes complete with its own live-action play toy, guaranteed to amuse any cat for hours. Available in three time-tested flavors: mouse, sparrow and cricket. A middle-aged wife looked out of her window and saw her husband with a kite. He threw it in the air, it floated, then wobbled, and crashed into the ground. Again and again, he threw it; it wobbled and crashed into the ground. Thinking that men are very incompetent sometimes, she called out to her husband, "What you need is a piece of tail!" Husband replied, "Make up your mind. Yesterday you told me to go fly a kite!" Unlucky Louie announced that he'd sent off his tax returns. "I gave them to the postal clerk," he sighed, "and told him I'd pay him anything he wanted to mail them." "What was your biggest deduction this year?" I asked. "That taxes are too high," Louie growled. [Note - from Frank Steward's daily bridge column, SJMN - ed.] Four retired guys were walking down the street in Ft. Meyers, Florida when they saw a sign that said, "Old Timer's Bar" "All Drinks 10 Cents!" They looked at each other, then went in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender said in a voice that carried across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" All four asked for a martini. In short order, the bartender served up four iced martinis, shaken, not stirred, and said, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stared at the bartender for a moment, looked at each other....then paid the 40 cents. After the second round, which cost them under a dollar, their curiosity got the best of them. Finally, one of the men said, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for only a dime apiece?" "Well, I'm a retired tailor from Boston, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $50 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same." "Wow, that's quite a story" said one of the men. As they continued to sip their martinis, they couldn't help but notice the other three guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them....and hadn't ordered anything all the while they were there. One of the men gestured toward the men with no drinks and asked the bartender, "What's with them?" "Oh, they're from Minnesota. They're waiting for happy hour at 5 o'clock when drinks are half price. A mate from a neighboring small town here in the hinterland of the tourist ghetto of Cairns was amused when a new crematorium in his town recently celebrated its opening by inviting local citizens to a sausage sizzle. As someone said, "What did they do with the rest?" Letter to the Transport Authority: Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years. Yours truly, Q: Why did Hitler avoid drinking gin? A: It made him mean. Q: What does a blonde yell in an emergency? A: "What's the number for 911?" The village Chief approached a missionary working in Africa regarding a white baby that had been born in the village. In a deeply serious voice he said "How could this happen! You are only white for thousands of miles, yet we have white baby! Explain!" The missionary hesitated for a moment as he looked out over the prairie. "Chief, I don't know much about albinos or if you would even understand, but you see that black sheep among all those white sheep out there on the prairie? The Chief suddenly had a startled look on his face and said. "Look, you say nothing about that, I say nothing about baby, okay?" Q: Did you hear what the Chinese couple named their black baby? A: Sum Ting Wong. Fast Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says," Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened....? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters! The lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed. Q: Do you know what Pokémon stands for? A: A Rastafarian proctologist. Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P. There was once geneticist who made a tree. Instead of growing fruit the tree grew vaginas. The man was so proud, he planted it in his front yard. The neighbors didn't like this one bit. They got together and found a lawyer that would sue the man for having the vagina tree. The geneticist refused all orders from the court. After several defiant moves, the court sentenced him to death. On the execution block the man is asked if he has any last words. He replies: "I regret I have but one life for my 'cunt tree.'" Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat it - we're closed. A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles per year. Another survey revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year. Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon. [Richard Pender] [Warning - Offensive, racist joke below - Dave] Two niggers arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter wonders for a second if he should let them in. He goes away for a moment to go have a chat with God. God says it is okay to let them in. St. Peter leaves God and in a few minutes returns. "What's the problem?" God asks St. Peter. They're gone!" "Gone?" said God. "You mean the niggers?" "No!" says St. Peter. "The Pearly Gates!" [Seen on an equally offensive movie - Dave] Iran has declined to suspend the enrichment of uranium. Not to be outdone, the Bush administration has declined not to suspend the enrichment of Halliburton. [Herb Tyson] Q: What do you call a pig with 3 eyes? A: Piiig. God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace. Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there." [Note - These Church Bulletin" hoaxes circulate often enough, but this has been updated since the last time I posted a similar list several years ago, so read em' again! - Dave] CHURCH BULLETIN NOTICES. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Ladies: don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." --Forwarded by Alex Lazarovici Old Princess Di jokes: Why did Elton John sing at the funeral? Because he's the only queen who cares.
What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags? Zip-a-dee Dodi, Zip-a-dee Di.
What were Di's last words? Leave me alone, I'm a bloody Princess!
When the people at the Ritz asked Princess Di if she wanted a room for the night she said, "No, I'm gonna crash with my boyfriend"
Did you hear about the new fairy tale for kids that's replacing the Cinderella and carriage story? It's about Diana at midnight. She turns into a pillar. Some fun quotes. (One day I'll get my quotes archive back up and posted.) "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -- Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -- Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -- Jack E. Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -- Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -- Thomas Brackett Reed "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder Masturbation is merely apprentice-turbation. --Anon
|
|
|
|
