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January's Jokes 2008 "He's as tough as a $2.00 steak." (Heard on ESPN broadcast of the West Virginia University Mountaineers vs. Pittsburgh Pitt Panthers football game on (11/01/07) A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head." The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "MOMMA BWAAAA DUH UH BWAAA UH UH NE NE NE UH ME!" The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator." Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids: Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered. And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill, And now they have a son.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man, 'What have you got there?' Said the pie man unto Simon, 'Pies, you dumb ass'
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock.
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl, Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad, She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. [Forwarded by Alex Lazarovici – Thanks Alex! – Dave] A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence..... "Get well soon..... From the nurse in the jeep you pulled over last week" She s so stupid! Yesterday I saw her yelling in an envelope and asked "What in the world are you doing? She said "Obviously sending voice mail you idiot!" Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers. Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund). IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) Look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) Refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. BREAK-IN PERIOD When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse. ACTIVATION To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required. SHUTDOWN Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this. CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps, which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents." FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents." Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and, "ohmigod he is so hot!" Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER Retailers make millions of dollars every year by selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing, which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections, which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different. OTHER MAINTENANCE Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work. WARRANTY This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there--you just have to look for her. [Note: Found on RHF Jokes] She is so fat that instead of sleeping on a waterbed, she covers the pool with a blanket. The strike by screenwriters in the Porn Writers Guild of America is wreaking a less public havoc on the pornography industry. Porn writers, concerned about declining revenue from broadcast TV, also seek a greater share of revenue from the future growth areas of DVD and online sales. "Online sales and DVD may one day be the prime sources of revenue in our industry," stated union spokesman Seymour Beaver. We want to be sure we get our fair share of that for providing the writing that makes this industry tick. "It's getting terrible," reported one porn consumer who refused to give his name. "I just saw Horny Nurses 14 and I have to tell you it was just a rehash of the plots from Horny Nurses 9 and 11. It's like they didn't even have a writer." "Fans are not going to put up with movies lacking in plot, character and dialogue, and that's what they'll get if they don't meet our terms," said Beaver. Beaver, who claims to have a copyright on the line, "Oh yes, baby, do it just like that, oh yeah" says he will not allow use of his lines without proper payment of residuals. Some writers also fear that the move to online will result in customers simply downloading individual scenes rather than seeking movies with a cohesive story thread that makes you care about the characters. "I saw one movie with 5 scenes, and no character was in 2 of them," complained one writer. "What do people want? Movies where the actors just walk into a room, strip and just go at it? Where they always start with oral sex, then doggy, and then a money shot? Fans will walk if that's all they get," according to PWGA member Dick Member. "And don't think about doing the lonely housewife and the pool-boy again. I own that." An industry spokesman said they had not yet seen any decline in revenues due to the strike, as they have about 2 million already-written scripts on the shelves. In addition, Hot Online Corporation spokesman Ivana Doit claimed their company is experimenting with a computer program that creates scripts through a secret algorithm. Scripts penned by the computer have already brought in a million in sales, claims Doit, but she would not indicate which films this applied to: Comment at: http://ideas.4brad.com/writers-strike-threatening-porn-industry I was at a pharmacy recently, and saw a small sign advertising "ADHD Awareness Month." And I thought: A whole month? A man was sitting on a bus seat when a old woman boarded. A fat lady next to him said, "If you were a gentleman you would stand up and let her sit down!" Without missing a beat, he said "If you weren’t so fat, you would stand up and let 4 people sit down" |
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