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April's Jokes 2008 Q: What's the difference between hippy chicks and hockey players? A: Hockey players shower after their fourth period! It is difficult to know with any certainty what anyone does in their private life, particularly if one doesn't live with them. But still, I feel absolutely confident in saying that, out of all the men in the world, Elliot Spitzer did not get any nookie last night! [By: Henry W. Farkas] A priest, a pedophile and a golfer walk into a bar. Then the second guy walks in… [By – Ken D.] Love Client #9 (Sung to the tune of Love Potion #9) I took my troubles down to Washington I told her that I was a flop with chicks She bent down and turned around and gave me a wink I didn't know if it was day or night [By: Christian Restifo] My wife asked me if I was going to keep procrastinating. I said "We'll see." One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a "Thank You" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a "thank you" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a "Thank You" card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful." Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop .The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress. Vote carefully this year. [Forwarded by Alex Lazarovici. - I wonder if the "community service" was "voluntary" as prescribed by a future socialist elected and he is doing it for the "Good of the People" President Bush has announced far and wide that Congress failing to extend his warrant-less wiretap authority will have dire consequences. And look! Already, spy satellites are falling from the sky!!! [By - David Lesher] A friend was having trouble in her marriage. A counselor was suggested. She replied that she did not think her marriage was worth seventy-five dollars an hour. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide all of his eggs? A: Because he does not want you to know he f**ks chickens! A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you? Ten reasons why we should attack the Moon without delay: 1. It occasionally blocks the sun, alarming the citizenry and curtailing our solar energy supply. This is clearly a threat to our national security. 2. Despite all our best efforts, including several direct visits, it has never responded to any attempts at communication. Silence is ominous. 3. There is nothing visible on the surface, so there must be something hidden underground (e.g., a uranium enrichment plant). 4. There is no good reason to believe that the Moon doesn't have gobs of oil. 5. The Moon is always in an ideal position to launch a devastating missile strike anywhere on planet Earth. 6. It is not a member of the U.N., nor has signed the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. 7. It is largely responsible for our tides. This cannot be a coincidence. 8. It is almost certainly not a Christian moon (and it sure looks God-forsaken). 9. It's a great place to harbor terrorists: remote, forbidding, lots of craters to hide in. 10. Our trade deficit with the Moon is exactly zero. Need I say more? [By - Author: P. Dimon] As a way to impress his girl, a guy had "I Love You" tattooed to the head of his penis. When he showed it to her, she said "There you go, trying to put words in my mouth again!" [Heard at a local bar - Dave] Jake is five and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' elephant!" She takes a deep breath... "Ummm… What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!" ...and it does... " A f r i c a n Elephant " Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful? [By: Tom Kanpa] Q: What is a transistor? A: A priest who likes to dress in nuns clothing. The Daily Gazette hired a recent graduate of the journalism college to write human-interest articles for the newspaper. He decided to go into the West Virginia Mountains to do his research. He found an old farmer's house along an isolated road and introduced himself to the man. He asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The old farmer thought for a moment and said, "Yep, one time a neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it a little and took it back home." "I can't print that, " the young reporter exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that made you happy?" "Yep, one time a neighbor's daughter got lost, so we formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her real good, we took her home." "Hell, I can't print that either," cried the frustrated reporter. "Has anything ever happened that made you SAD?" The old farmer dropped his head and sat quietly for a few seconds. Then he timidly replied, "Yep, I got lost once." When I heard that Nader has announced run for president again, I immediately thought that a good title for a biography would be "Nader: Unsafe in Any Election." [Gary Crumback] Q: Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died on the freeway the other day? A: Some prick cut HER off! |
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