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August's Jokes 2008

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so I took her to a gas station.

[Insert drum-roll]

*    *    *    *    *

Didn’t W.C. Fields say this?

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked "Do you know her?'"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"'My God!" says my wife "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[Forwarded by Alex Lazarovici – Good ones!]

So Lifestyles Condoms wants 15 year old Disney star Miley Cyrus to be a spokes-kid for them; they offered a nice round million dollars.

But wait a sec, wouldn't fellow star Jamie Lynn Spears be much more effective on getting the message across? Unlike Cyrus, who proclaims she's celibate, Spears is anything but...

"Been there, done that, oops..."

[By: David Lesher]

In the 07/ /08 edition of the Medford Oregon "Mail Tribune" there was news of a person who accidentally shot his friend in the knee and it made lots of "news" in this cow town.

Well, it didn’t take long before the ranting started and some people with too much time on their hands began posting on the Tribune’s rant pages. Naturally it turned political between Dem’s and Rep’s. What is so funny is what this guy wrote in response to all the liberal ranting:

http://forums.prospero.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?tsn=21&nav=messages&webtag=mm-news&tid=5172

"….I knew it wouldn’t take long for some Demoncrat to mention Dick Cheney?

I still don't see the big deal, Cheney shot his best friend in the face, he was just copying what Bill Clinton did to his intern."

By  vinthewrench

[Classic! – Dave]

Sarcasm is your body's defense against stupid!

*         *         *         *      *

Duct tape is like THE FORCE, it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together!

[Bumper stickers seen by Ken B., who then sent the pictures to me – GREAT]

[Alert: Liberal joke ahead]

I celebrated the last Independence Day under Bush/Cheney administration by listening to strangers' private phone calls and shooting friends in the face.

*        *     *     *     *

[Alert: Conservative joke ahead]

U.S. Presidential candidate John McCain says that recent changes in his campaign staff are "A natural evolution."

He should take a tip from his conservative base and consider intelligent design.

Bill Gates' last day at Microsoft was Friday, June 27.

But he doesn't get to loaf around and do nothing. Come Monday morning, he has to be up bright and early to collect his Welfare check.

[By: G. Ralph Kuntz, MD, MS]

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJ’s play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJ’s call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes," he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you’ve heard yet. Anyway, here’s how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we’re giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife’s name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she’s at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o’clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well…"

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn’t at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o’clock
this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well…"

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks…"

DJ: "Uh huh…"

Brian: "…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I’ve done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife’s work number and call her up. You listen to this."

DJ: "Okay audience; let’s call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I’ve been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you’ll lose. Sooooooo… do you know the rules of ‘Mate Match’?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian’s answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That’s close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We’ve got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn’t tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well…"

DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the a$$…"

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

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