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| February's Jokes 2008 I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. [Sent by Ken Barber. Thanks Ken, joke of the month I’d say! – Dave] A man owned a small farm in Minnesota. The Minnesota State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $350 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $50 per week, pays his own room and board, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. And he also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer. NEW! Kosher Foods By Rabbi-ola! Did you hear about the new Jewish / Chinese restaurant? It's called "So Su Mi!" THE CHICKEN BUSINESS John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets," and ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But one particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the "No-Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pullet-surprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention. Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible! [Forwarded by Alex Lazarovici - redacted for spelling and grammatical errors - Dave] Q: How can you tell when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Thought for the Day Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away. I just wanted to give a "heads-up" to anyone planning on driving through Detroit on the interstate. The Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders. For the first offense, they give you two Detroit Lions football tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them! [Forwarded by Alex Lazarovici - redacted by me - Dave] President Bush is promoting Peace and Democracy in the Middle East by selling weapons to the King of Saudi Arabia. Hmm. Can't wait to see how he promotes Abstinence Education. [By: Brian – surfcow @ yahoo . com] [WARNING! Gross joke/saying ahead] Douche something about it! [Heard in a bar somewhere - Dave] Lawyers There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to David and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families and are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Paul takes David aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution, and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," David replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!" The first 4 laws of computer maintenance that I penned after someone in another office forgot to plug in the backup power supply of a server undergoing maintenance. Law 1> Is it plugged in (expletives buffer)? Law 2> Is it turned on (expletives buffer)? Law 3> Have you rechecked for violations of laws One and Two (expletives buffer)? Law 4> If you find you have violated any of these laws, insert numerous appropriate expletives aimed at yourself in the expletives buffer of each violated law. To which he answered: I can see where there could be a buffer overflow......... [Dick joke ahead, one that's pretty damn funny.] My dick is so big, that part of it is in yesterday. My favorite Christmas present this year was a satellite navigation device designed for people with small children. Each time it give a direction such as, "Take the next turning on the left" it adds "NO! We're NOT there yet!" [By: Ian Searle - ian.searle @ btinternet . com] (Reuters.com) reported today that U.S. hotel heiress Paris Hilton's potential inheritance dramatically diminished after her grandfather Barron Hilton announced plans on Wednesday to donate 97 percent of his $2.3 billion fortune to charity. I guess that'll tie her knickers in a knot. Oh, wait... Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to white wool designer dress on a manikin, and said, "Hey Sonny boy , so how much is the dress on that store dummy over there?" "That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty salesman. "Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at S. Klein's downtown!" "But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool." "Now! So for $800.00, I should be caring what the lambs do at night? One day a truck headed to the market fell off a bridge and splashed into the creek, spilling its contents down river. Luckily, for a small cat that is, the cat was sitting by the river when a small sausage came floating past. The cat, using his paw, got the sausage and managed to not even get it wet. The cat was pleased. Soon after, and as cats are, just as hungry after eating as before, saw a larger sausage float past, so the cat dipped its paw in to get the sausage and only got its paw marginally wet, but the cat was now quite happy! Now, interested as all hell, the cat was absolutely drooling when he saw a massive frankfurter come flowing past. MEOW! Yum, thought the cat, and the cat dipped his paw in to get it but fell in! Oh Lord, the indignity! However the cat retrieved the sausage and was delighted and decided all was right with the world! Oh, the moral or the story? Well, it seems that the bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy! Jamie Lynne Spears, Britney's 16-year-old sister, is pregnant. Postponed indefinitely: Book being written by Britney and Jamie's mother Lynne on parenting. Q: How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear? A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." Children at a Catholic school were shocked when the head nun reeled off a list of banned swear words. Sister Kathy Avery, the principal of St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic School in Grosse Point Park, Michigan, told students she had a zero-tolerance policy for cursing. Just in case anyone was not sure what she was talking about, she read a list of the words and phrases that she was banning. (News source: Ananova Quirkies, 10/12/07) Students say they eagerly await her next announcement, covering premarital sex. My wife means to lose weight. That's why she rides horseback all the time. And what's the result? The horse lost 10lbs. last week! Redneck sayin’s: It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch. Q: How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? A: When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead." You’re mama is so ugly, when she went to an ugly contest, they said "Sorry ma’am, no professionals." |
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