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July's Jokes 2008 It's Q & A time again! * * * * * Q: If John McCain and Barack Obama were on a sinking ship and there were no life preservers, who would survive? A: America! * * * * * Q: Why did the caveman drag his woman by the hair and not by her feet? A: Because her pussy would fill up with dirt! * * * * * Q: What do bricks and fat chick have in common? A: Eventually they get laid by a Mexican. * * * * * Q: What do dog turds and women have in common? A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. [All heard at a local watering hole - Dave] What doesn't work, hurts. I'm so old that about all I can get now is a stiff neck. [Racist joke below - offence, Muslims - Dave] You Might Be Iraqi If… You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean." You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. You bathe at least monthly, whether necessary or not. You have more guns than teeth. You have ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat. It's a bear's life. Mama, Papa and Baby bear went to court. It was a custody case and the Baby bear said that he wanted to move to Chicago. The Baby bear said that Papa and Mama beat him all the time, but Chicago Bears never beat anyone! [Told to me by Jim Dickerson - Thanks Jim] Crashing at the speed of light! IBM just announced the new Roadrunner computer. It is twice as fast as the previous record holder at 1000 trillion operations per second. In fact, it is so fast that when they run Windows on it, it crashes BEFORE it is booted. [By - G. Ralph Kuntz, MD, MS] They should have prayed for BEER! In a small Texas town, Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not." Creative bumper stickers: Okay, okay, but what's the speed of DARK? I think, therefore we have nothing in common. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE - PLANT A WOMAN! Vote for Satan, the LESSER of two evils! [ Extremely racist joke below - offense to blacks. Scroll down to avoid – Dave] Did they steal the carts too? A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie." The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today." The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job." The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left" Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week. A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please." The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way." The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President." [Sent in by Alex Lazarovici – Thanks… I think… - Dave] …and it’s cold too! A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African "bush tribe" whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, 'How about we try the African string-and- weight procedure? 'The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little ‘tribal experiment’ coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black." What the PPPPFFFFFFTTTTTTT!!!! [Old joke - heard it] An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact, since I’ve been standing here I must have farted at least 20 times." "No kidding…" says the doctor with a bit of an upturned nose. The doc says, "I’ve got just the stuff." and gives her some pills. "Here take these for 10 days, then return for a follow up appointment." So she takes the pills and returns 10 later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much! They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!" The doctor nodded, "Great, now that we’ve your sinuses cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!" |
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