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June's Jokes 2008

I just married Miss Right. I didn't realize her first name was Always.

http://www.thepeoplescube.com/red/viewtopic.php?p=36377#36377

[Posted on "The Peoples Cube" – Created by yours Truly]

Dare you to do THAT again!

[Racist joke below]

Boycott Victoria, Texas (Pop. 55,000) is a town about 125 miles southwest of Houston. Local Hispanic leaders, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success in the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down 19%. Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%

[Sent by Alex Lazarovici – THANKS! – Dave]

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was "Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

[By - Skid Schermerhorn]

Q: Did you know that Monica Lewinski has switched over to the Republican Party?

A: The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church"

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

[This is an amended list of "Types Of Sex" that has been around for a while, but with a few extra features! - Dave]

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex
until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are
so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway you both say, "F**K You."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the Afternoon and Nun at
night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

What is the difference between a camel and a legislator?

A camel can work five days without drinking.

A marriage license should be like a fishing license. It expires every year and if you go out of state you can get a 3-day tourist license.

If you think about it, girls and fish have a lot in common. They are fun to catch and if you clean and prep them right, most are good to eat.

Also if you decide to mount one you know it's going to cost you plenty! If you bring one home (no matter how well you treat them) they start going bad and fresh ones are always better.

So practice catch-and-release.

Q: Did you hear that George Bush had called in an exterminator to the White House?

A: He was afraid that it would soon be infested with beavers and coons.

I just read that the Vatican says It's OK to believe in aliens.

> From Yahoo news:

In an interview headlined "The extraterrestrial is my brother," by the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom, he said.

I bet the rumor that aliens also like to anally probe people made the Catholic Priests feel like they were brothers, too.

(I'll take my express ticket to Hell now.)

[By - Van Dam, Damon]

Grand Theft Auto 4 came out this week. Very realistic, it’s set in a replica of New York City. It’s so realistic now not only can you bang hookers in your car, you can bang them as Governor Spitzer.

I live in a small cow town by the name of Medford, Oregon. Here, a lot of people, mainly the younger set, call the place "Deadford," because it can be boring for the unimaginative.

It got me thinking when someone iterated the old saw about Las Vegas, that "Everything that happens in ‘Vegas’ stay is ‘Vegas’?"

Right… Well, we can have our own saying too, "Whatever dies in Deadford, stays ‘Dead’ in Deadford!"

George W. Bush, distraught over his worsening approval rating, was jogging through Washington in search of inspiration. Taking a break upon reaching the Washington Monument, he looks up for guidance and says, "George, you were one of our greatest Presidents, what should I do?"

Suddenly, a voice is heard from above. George Washington says to George W, "Abolish the I.R.S. and start over."

George W, amazed that he’s actually talking to a past President, continues his jog and this time stops at the Jefferson Memorial. Uttering a similar question to Thomas Jefferson, America’s author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers, he asks, "Thomas, you’ve never had these kinds of problems. What can I do to rally people behind me?"

Again a voice from above answers, "Welfare is not working, abolish it and start over."

Upon hearing such great advice, George gets excited and plans on going to all the historical sites for guidance. Next stop is the Lincoln Memorial to see President Abraham Lincoln, who met his untimely death after winning the civil war and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help, people are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?"

After a substantial pause Abe replies, "Take the day off George. Go the theatre."

Living in Tennessee when you meet someone they ask almost immediately what church you go to.

Seen on a T-Shirt in Savannah, Georgia:

In Tennessee; they ask what church you go to.

In Atlanta; who your people are.

In Savannah; we want to know what you drink.

German Police were operating a speed camera van when some young men came up and started praising their work. While the police were distracted, two others took the license plates off the van. These were fitted to a vehicle, which was driven past the camera van several times at high speed. As a result, the van clocked it speeding about 18 times.

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