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Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
[Mrs. Jones] In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair." [Forwarded by Ken Barber – Terrific! – Dave] News Flash! Obama: Baby is punishment; tax increase is bundle of joy. [From - The Peoples Cube] Heston Family Has Difficulty Coping with his Death The family of Charlton Heston is reportedly having a hard time dealing with his death Saturday night. "Taking the guns from his cold dead hands - much creepier than expected," reports a family spokesperson. "Even though he gave us permission to do this several times, the rigor mortis made it fairly difficult, and way creepier than you would think." [Another by Brad Templeton – Dave] 13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff … and my favorite one. 13. Potential Murder Suspect [Sent by Alex Lazarovici. Thanks – Dave] In a perfect world... The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her. Top this for a speeding ticket Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. The officer on the passenger side was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour! The officer with the gun attempted to reset the device, but it would not reset and then it would turn off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander! The reply came back in true USMC style: Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down. Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position. The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster. Thank you for your concern, Semper Fi. [Stop me if you heard this - Dave] A bear walked into a bar and says, "Gi'me a beer!" The bartender said "I'm sorry, but we don't serve beer to bears." The bear said, "If you don't gi'me a beer, I'll eat this here woman on this stool!" The bartender said "The boss won't let me serve beer to bears, so we still don't serve bears! The bear, true to his word, grabbed the woman on the stool and ate her in five gulps! The bear said "Now will you gi'me a beer?" The bartender said "Now I CAN'T serve you a beer to you!" The bear says, "Why not?!?" Bartender: "Because of that bar bitch you ate!" [Told to me at a bar by - Justin Summerhayes. Thanks Much! - Dave] Some folks will always be losers Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided that he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Three days later, she became his stepmother! [Forwarded by Ken Barber – GREAT! – Dave] RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008 If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan. [By Alex Lazarovici – Thanks, Dave] [On a similar note… to be taken with a grain of salt] Recently President Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems. Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China; if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs . . . and none of these scenarios will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America . . . so the only way to keep that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still left in the U.S. [Larry Krzewinski] [Rehash of an old joke – Dave] During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these 4 religious Truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. and… 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters… ACTUAL DRINK MENU ITEM! [May be found under True Stories HERE - Dave] This is advertised, at "Howiee’s on Front," Medford, OR. Click here to see the menu, click on the link to go there, or HERE to be shocked directly. But if you are too lazy to look for yourself, below is what it reads: Nirvana Shot - Crown Royal, apple pucker, and cranberry shaken well over ice. Be careful cause this shot will go straight to your head! (sic) It makes one wonder, Is there a choice here? We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election. On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer. On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship. Is there a contest here? [tomkanpa] Senior Moment It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude, a hypnotist, was topping the bill at that night. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists, who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was stunning to the Jell-O gumming, oatmeal splashing, blue-hairs. Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations!" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch… watch the watch… watch the watch…" The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch… until suddenly >GASP< it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces! "Sh*t," said the Hypnotist! It took three days to clean up the senior center. [Forwarded and corrected for grammar, by Alex! Very funny - Dave] Time to start your own rice paddy Walmart is now rationing sales of rice to consumers. They aren't being very clear as to why, but suspicions are that they need it to make payroll. [Mike Manners] A Day at the Passport Office Dear Sir, I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a T.V. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! S#!T! I apologize, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bulls$#t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f**kin' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal a--holes workin' there! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for s$#t sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a s$#t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone! Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f**kin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f**kin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some a--hole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (f**kin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off! Signed - An Irate f**king Citizen. P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the ying-yang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST f**king CHINA! The Serendipitous Husband A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold." Optimist vs. Pessimist An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "Your dog can't swim!" [Awarded the most un-funny, uninspired racist joke of the month - Dave] Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood in Long Island, New York. Her neighbor was a very generous African American woman who stopped by one Saturday and said, "Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything while I'm there? Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed "Listen, I have a commuter ticket for the train. Why don't you use my monthly pass and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's all paid for--why should you pay extra?" The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he glanced at the ticket and noticed the name "Sadie Cohen." "Excuse me madam," said the conductor. "Are you the Sadie Cohen person whose name appears on this ticket?" The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head affirmatively. A little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures - would you please sign your name?" The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, "Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?" Monkey Business A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his." A plan I could live with... Recently President Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate. It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax rebate because of various budget problems. Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China; if we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs . . . and none of these scenarios will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America . . . so the only way to keep that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still left in the U.S. [Larry Krzewinski] |
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