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[Notice: Due to rough economic times, jokes are scarce and have had to be recycled in order to be "green" and with no "stimulus" check to help this site grow, only jokes posted from days of yore, whence upon this site first started. My sincere regrets, but they are still funny! - Dave] A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?" His wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" "First let's see you play that harmonica!"
A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies with conviction "I have my reasons..." The artist shrugs and goes ahead and does the job. All the while he is anxious, curiosity takes over, why a $100 bill on his penis? So he offers, you can keep the $1,000 for the tattoo if you tell me why you want a $100 bill tatoo'd on your schlong... The man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play
with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most
importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home
to do it."
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Top 6 Complaints of Priests 6. Priestly robes are so tight, they make your underwear ride up 5. People who use the collection basket as a change machine 4. Walking into the church at 4 in the morning to find some hooker using it for a different kind of service 3. Having to help lift a really fat woman after she genuflects 2. Every time the choir hits a high note, it shatters some of the stained-glass windows 1. Everyone seems to be looking at them
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand!" The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is our tradition!"
Dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus: 1. To make an appointment to see me
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of
marble
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Best Wishes, Your humble client
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