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January's Jokes 2009

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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?!"

She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.

[Posted on http://www.grouchyoldcripple.com/ from D. Bolsman.]

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[Sent to GOC by MoK]

In a High School "Government" class, the teacher was discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

They are pretty simple:

The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.

One girl in the class immediately started complaining about how unfair the requirement to be a natural born citizen was. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

[Stolen from "Grouchy Old Cripple" and bastardized by me – Dave]

One fine day a chicken walked into a library and said BUCK (book); so the librarian gave the chicken a book.

The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK, so the librarian gave the bird two books.

The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK BUCK, so this time the librarian gave it three books. However the curiosity of the librarian was now aroused and so followed the chicken to see what such a bird wanted with three books.

As he saw the chicken come to a stop at the edge of a pond, he saw the chicken pass all three books to a frog, who, while he was looking at them was saying, REDDIT, REDDIT, REDDIT.

Lying in a double bed was a chicken smoking a large cigar and looking extremely pleased with itself, and an egg that looked very disappointed.

The caption was "Well, I guess that we’ve answered that question?"

[Hardy har har! - Dave]

[Here’s a slight twist on an old joke]

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington DC this year.

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's capital, nor could they find a virgin.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[All three forwarded by Ken B. – Thanks, I’m going to have to add a "Chicken Joke" collection to the joke site.]

Q: What is the difference between a poor rifleman and a constipated owl?

A: A poor rifleman shoots and can’t hit, an owl hoots but...

An African American man moves from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one owned not by him but by the taxpayers.

A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count or blessings - because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of it's forms and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry - possibly even rioting in the streets.

Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place as this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation's history is much more than a simple change of addresses for him - it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts - the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to "judge a man, not by the color of his skin but by the content of his character"

There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy - it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.

But I for one will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake - because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house.

Today, I thank the lord above that I am an American and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

Who is this man you ask?

[Stolen from GOC's site - Dave]

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