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[Notice: Due to rough economic times, jokes are scarce and have had to be recycled in order to be "green" and with no "stimulus" check to help this site grow, only jokes posted from days of yore, whence upon this site first started. My sincere regrets, but they are still funny! - Dave] A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the pharmacist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, sure. So?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
Q: What did JFK Jr. and his wife tell their housekeeper before they left?? A: You feed the dog and we'll feed the fish.
THE MasterCard COMMERCIAL THAT NEVER MADE IT ON THE AIR Cover charge: $15.00 Round of drinks: $23.00 Table dance: $30.00 Another round of drinks: $23.00 Couch dance and tips: $50.00 A round of shots: $34.00 Another round of drinks: $23.00 Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00 Private dance and hotel room: $500.00 Sending her on her way without having to discuss your feelings... .........Priceless
God created woman, and she had three breasts. He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?" She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this useless boob?" Thus, God created man.
Crazy Mike Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist... "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny.....keep me potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says.... "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" So Crazy Mike says.... "You better give me 3 boxes since there will be 3 girls to please!" The next day.... Crazy Mike goes into the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the Crazy Mike's dick is black and blue with the skin hanging off in some places. Crazy Mike says..... "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay." The pharmacist replies.... "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on your dick while it's in that condition?" Crazy Mike says...... "No..... it's for my arms, the girls
didn't show up.
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves
lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
A colleague recently told a sociologist at the University of Chicago, about a lecture, by the philosopher Sidney Morganbesser at Columbia University, referring to double negatives. "Every language," the lecturer observed, "has a construction in which two negatives make a positive. But in English, there's no construction in which two positives make a negative!" From the hall came the perfect, anonymous response: "Yeah, right."
Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered for high school and college graduates a list of eleven things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how the feel good, politically-correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world. You may want to share this list with them. Rule 1:
Rule 2:
Rule 3:
Rule 4:
Rule 5:
Rule 6:
Rule 7:
Rule 8:
Rule 9:
Rule 10:
Rule 11:
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
Q: A polish family is sitting in the living room, when the wife looks at the husband and says....... A: "We should have the kids go out to "P"-"L"-"A"-"Y", so we can go
have sex"
The sailor and the priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud "DAMN I missed!" each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldn't take it any more. "Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you". It didn't make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, followed up with, "DAMN I missed!" Again, the priest said "Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign." It didn't help, and the next stroke missed was followed by the loud, "DAMN I missed!" Suddenly, a bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead. A voice was heard in the clouds, "DAMN, I missed! "
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I
was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Q. What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot? A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for the golf ball.
Three Roses A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him if he would keep her operation completely confidential? He asked why? She said, " The lips on my vagina are too large and I want a reduction, but I don't want anyone to know about it." "I see, said the doctor. After thinking about it, he agreed. She had the operation and woke up to find three roses on her pillow. Furious that people knew about her operation, she rang for the doctor. He came in and she said," Why did you tell anyone to send me roses?" He said, "Calm down, the first rose came from me because I felt sorry that you had to go through this alone." "Who the hell gave me the second one?" "The nurse who assisted in the operation," said the doctor. "And the third?" "The guy from the burn unit who wanted to thank you for his new ears.
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
THE BEAUTIFUL BIRD One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think
kept bidding against you?"
A blonde *man* from Arkansas is going on his first overseas trip. He drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that he is visibly puzzled filling his passport application. The passport official looks over his shoulder, and sees the blonde trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX.' The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female.'" "Doesn't matter," the blonde answers.
Warning There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at
all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words
"I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should
automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document
form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can.
Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and
order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14
times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to
you and that "Roadrunner and Coyote" was the greatest cartoon ever.
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