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[Notice: Due to rough economic times, jokes are scarce and have had to be recycled in order to be "green" and with no "stimulus" check to help this site grow, only jokes posted from days of yore, whence upon this site first started. My sincere regrets, but they are still funny! - Dave] The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations. While I was in his office yesterday I asked him "Sir, What is the secret of your success?" He said "two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Right decisions." "But how do you make right decisions?" "One word." he responded. "And, sir, What is that?" "Experience." "And how do you get Experience?" "Two words" "And, Sir, what are they?" "Wrong decisions"
Strange A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they
would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Q: When is a man most intelligent - before, during, or after sex? A: During sex, because that is when he is plugged in to the know-it-all. It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon." The other day some friends and I were discussing one of the few recurrent philosophical topics that come up in our conversations: society as a whole. It was taking its usual course; one of my friends insisted that society was going to hell, the other was somewhat neutral, and I thought that people were becoming more tolerating of differences. My first friend announced (again) that society was on a steady down hill road. "Everyone today," she said, "Is messed up in the mind, a drug addict, or a nymphomaniac." My other friend laughed and nodded. Never having heard the word before, I puzzled over what 'nymphomaniac' could mean. Trying not to sound stupid, I swallowed my pride and asked, "What's that?" "A girl who's obsessed with sex," explained my second friend. I paused for a moment, thinking. "Then what," I asked, "Is a guy obsessed with sex?" My first friend had an answer immediately: "Normal!" Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am SICK of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want." Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests." Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town. We'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else." In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals. Then they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this." Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you, I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you." Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. And so, Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, danced to wicked music." Fred answered, "The Lord is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do 5 "Our Father's" and 5 "Hail Mary's" and you will be absolved of your sin. A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you DARE to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 "Our Father's," 500 "Hail Mary's," donate all your money for the next month to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for the Lord's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees." "WHAT??!!" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement??" Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously." Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an alter boy. SHORT SUMMARY OF ORIGINS OF MOST JEWISH HOLIDAYS
(I think this is buried in my archives somewhere, but I still like it!)
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody." The very naive young nun was assigned to a parish in the country. On the first Saturday, the priest asked her if she wanted to go swimming. She'd never been swimming before, but the priest promised he'd give her lessons. They changed into bathing suits, then the priest offered her a hand while they waded into the water. They splashed around for a few minutes until the nun turned to the priest and asked, "Father, will I really sink if you take it out?" After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up. "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?" "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen." You might be a cop if ... You have the bladder capacity of five people. You believe that 25% of people you come in daily contact with are a waste of flesh. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change. You call for a criminal check of anyone who seems friendly to you. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you. You identify a negative "teeth to tattoo" ratio just by looking at a person. You find humor in other people's stupidity. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see. You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance. You believe unspeakable evils will fall upon you if someone says "boy, it sure is quiet here tonight". Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track. You believe chocolate is a food group. When someone calls you a jerk, you take it as a compliment. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time". You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion. You think caffeine should be available in IV form. Your prisoner states, "I don't know how it got there". It occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight Zone. You don't believe anyone who says, "I only had two or three beers" and blows over .150. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around. You are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar and you find yourself talking to it there on the seat beside you. You believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime. You are the only person introduced at a social gathering by his profession. You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout "they've come to get you, bill or Fred or whoever". You believe office meetings are always called at the end of your shift. People shout "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and they think it's original and hugely funny. FIFTY-FIFTY A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth." Sign seen in a vegetable garden: "Weed 'em and reap!" Q: Why did God create lesbians? A: So feminists couldn't breed An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?" The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." A man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." "Facts" About Women 1 Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control. 2 Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game. 3 Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand". 4 Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them. 5 Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty. 6 Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say. 7 Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. 8 Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need. 9 Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. 10 Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people. 11 Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. 12 Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling. 13 Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch. 14 Women think all beer is the same. 15 Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. 16 Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. 17 If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day. 18 Women brush their hair before bed. 19 Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed. 20 Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling. 21 Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple? 22 Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?" 23 Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share. 24 The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 25 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 26 Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. 27 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. 28 Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. 29 Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards. 30 Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' 31 PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. 32 The first naked man a women see is "Ken". 33 Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes. 34 Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 35 "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man- language. 36 Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women. 37 Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. 38 All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. 39 If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?" 40 Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china". 41 Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring
to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those
rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing
the
42 Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man. 43 If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble) 44 Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. 45 Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. 46 Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? 47 Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay. 48 It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see straight men dancing together. 49 Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women. 50 The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!" Q: How can we get rid of the national debt? A: Make Clinton pay a fine for each one of his lies After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says. "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican. "The Pope replies, "I am sorry That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen, Your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' "And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican. The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you. "So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican. The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account." Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead." Bumper Stickers 1. Constipated people don't give a shit. 2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself. 3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people. 4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. 6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point. 7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better. 8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant. 9. Thank you for pot smoking. 10. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. 14. Horn broken...watch for finger. 15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger. 16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass. VANITY PLATES
Plate: CYIMBRK
Plate: OH2B39
Plate: YURNEXT
Plate: 1DFOAL
Plate: 2PCME
Plate: GO TPLS Plate: TOOLONG
Dear Dr. Science,
Inside the car dealership, salesmen are kept both dehydrated and compressed, often taking up no more space than a small Yugo. When even the most disinterested passer-by lingers at a car, an alarm sounds inside the building, and within milliseconds scores of salesmen and hydrated and inflated to their normal size. From there, they casually stream from the building, pretending to be engaged in a myriad of activities when, in fact, they are zeroing in on their prospect. The only evasive action the poor mark can take at this point is to run, even if it means crossing several lanes of traffic. Anything beats a five year loan, plus tax, license and title. Ducks Breath A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of forty dollars. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs. A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. One day, everyone was under the speed limit! The officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of cash. TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY ABOUT AUTOMOBILES, BUT AREN'T! 10: Get her warmed up real good, first, and then you can go to town! 9: She's got a great set of headers. 8: What type of piston stroke do you have? 7: Fast? Of course she's fast! Why else would I have her? 6: Ouch! I think I just stripped out the crank! 5: She's got a bit of a shimmy in her rear end. 4: Yeah, she's got gas. 3: Of course it's new rubber! 2: I got a leak! 1: Okay, let's strip her down! Friends Don't Let Friends Drive Yugo's Yu*go (yoo-go) n. 1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile. 2) 4x4 hood ornament. adj. 1) What doesn't happen when you press the accelerator. Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo? A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.) A2. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat. Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo? A. This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no stated monetary or status value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-now group will also be upset because this joke encourages automobile use. Q: What do Yugos have in common with Ferraris? A: A Ferrari can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds. (Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge...) How do you fix a broken Yugo? Step 1: Lift off the radiator cap. Step 2: Push off cliff. Step 3: Drive brand new one underneath radiator cap. (30-mile/3-day warranty included!) A man entered an auto parts store... Man "I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo." Clerk "Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade." I once bought a Yugo with a tow package. ...It was in the front. Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster? A. To keep your hands warm as you push it. "The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night... The men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting." Q. What comes with every Yugo User's Manual? A. The bus schedule. From the Yugo owner's manual "If you sense an impending accident with any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly: 1) place head between legs,
Yugo's are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.* Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What's left? About $1200 of "dealer prep." Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill? A. A miracle!
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