August's 2009 jokes

Home

Jokes!

Art

Freedom

Hell

August's Jokes 2009

Back To Main Joke Page

To Joke Archives

Yer' NUTS! (psychology jokes)

PSYCHOANALYST:
1: One Who Stops You From Worrying About Your Problem And Starts You Worrying About Your Bill;
2: A Person Who Reads Between The Lines Even When There Is Nothing There;
3: Someone Who Can Take Any Simple Problem And Explain It In Language Nobody Can Understand.

PSYCHOCERAMICS:
1: The Study Of Crackpots.

PSYCHOLOGIST:
1: A Person With Problem Children At Home Who Is Going To Charge Money To Tell You How To Raise Yours.

PSYCHOPATH:
1: Any Urban Thoroughfare During Rush Hour.

PSYCHOPHOBIA:
1: The Compulsion When Using A Host's Bathroom To Peer Behind The Shower Curtain And Make Sure No One Is Waiting For You.

PSYCIATRIST:
1: One Who Tries To Find Out Whether An Infant Has More Fun In Infancy Than An Adult In Adultery.

SHRINK RAP:
1: A Group Of Psychiatrists Conversing.

SOUTHERN PSYCHIATRIST:
1: One Who Prefers Freud Chicken.

* * * * * *

The psychiatrist said sternly to the patient: If you think you're walking out of here cured after only three sessions, you're crazy."

* * * * * *

Neurotics build air castles.

Psychotics live in them.

Psychiatrists collect the rent.

* * * * * *

While psychology can trace its historical roots to ancient Greek philosophers, the scientific and experimental basis of psychology was not laid down until the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries!

Since those humble beginnings, scientific psychology has discovered important truths about human and animal nature. While much information on the major discoveries of psychology is readily available in such erudite sources as introductory psychology texts, these usual are very long! The average textbook has about 531 pages, not counting student guides, teacher manuals, transparencies, slides, software, and kickbacks. What is needed is a brief, concise statement of the laws of psychology that can serve as a ready reference for the scientist and the practitioner, and which can be distributed tot the physician's waiting room.

The purpose of the present paper is to provide an accurate and concise summary of the important discoveries in the major areas of psychology. The laws were chosen based on their empirical history, the scientific nature of the research supporting them and, most importantly, our own person opinions. Laws for different areas of psychology will be listed separately.

LAWS OF CONDITIONING
Never sound a tone when one of Pavlov's dog's is sitting in your lap.
Never give a rabbit to a child named Albert.

THE FOUR LAWS OF MEMORY
Whatever you think you remember, you probably don't.
Whatever you think you forgot, you probably didn't.
You are more likely to remember something if you don't forget it.
The fourth law is...ah...oh... it's on the tip of my tongue... I knew it a minute ago...

LAWS OF BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
If you pay somebody to do something, they will probably do it again and demand money the next time they do it.
People do what they like.
A reinforcer is whatever works.

LAWS OF DEVELOPMENTAL PSYCHOLOGY
In general, young children tend to get older.
Adults get older faster than children, and adults with children get older the fastest!
Children only hear what they want to.
The laws of Behavior Modification only apply to other people's children.

LAWS OF CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY
Adolescence is a disease.
Only sick people can be cured.
Problems worth curing can be discussed in 50 minute blocks of time.

LAWS OF SENSATION AND PERCEPTION
Loud sounds always originate nearby.
Smaller objects tend to be farther away.
Object Permanence-most objects are permanent, but you can never find the ones that are missing.

LAWS OF INDUSTRIAL PSYCHOLOGY
Most people like their jobs, but hate work.
Employees who get more money tend to believe they have higher salaries.
Accidents happen.

LAWS OF SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY
People who wear hoods cannot be trusted to give electric shock in a fair and impartial manner.
Do unto others only if you are pretty sure you won't be observed.
You can't violate someone's personal space without violating your own.
It's not who does it that's important-it's who gets blamed.

LAWS OF HISTORY AND SYSTEMS OF PSYCHOLOGY
Those who repeat the past will be doomed-unless they develop new linguistic patterns to describe the same old stuff!
Psychology has a long past, but only a short history (Ebbinghaus)
"History of Psychology" textbooks are longer than both of those combined. (student!)

LAWS OF COMMUNITY PSYCHOLOGY
The brain of a dead animal is easier to work with.
Pain usually hurts.
The right hand DOES know what the left hand is doing - it just doesn't care!
Blood is thicker than water and much harder to clean up.

LAWS OF PARAPSYCHOLOGY
If they apply, you don't need to be told.

(from the Journal of Polymorphous Perversity - 1987)

* * * * * *

My friend just went through shock treatment: his psychiatrist showed him his bill.

* * * * * *

A man ran into the psychiatrist's office and yelled, "Doc, you gotta Help me! My skin is turning to gold!"

"Don't worry", replied the Doc calmly. "You just have a gilt complex"

* * * * * *

My neighbor once had a manic-depressive dog. It would be jumping around the house one second...In a deep funk the next.

One day he took it to the animal psychiatrist (did I mention he lived in Beverly Hills) and asked the good doctor what to do.

The doctor said there was nothing he could do and that ... it was best to just let leaping dogs sigh.

* * * * * *

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his able. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

* * * * * *

A fellow goes to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist says, "You're crazy."

The guy says, "I want a second opinion."

The psychiatrist answers, "You're ugly too!"

[Rodney Dangerfield]

* * * * * *

"Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."

[Samuel Goldwyn]

TOP

Back To Main Joke Page