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Ahem... Apologies in advance: Due to the lack of jokes this month, almost no contributors and my laziness in getting things posted in a timely manner last month, some of these jokes have been dug up from the archives from over ten years ago and reposted. Now, unless you are one of those who go to the archives and actually remember those old chestnuts, these will be just as good as new! Good laughing! Tiger’s Wood Hey, roll off Tiger everyone, Rachel Uchitel wasn’t his mistress, she was just kissing his balls for good luck. It helped make his putter go straight! * * * * * 911 Operator: “Hello, this is 911, is this an
emergency?” Elin: “I just took a club to Tiger’s Caddy.” 911 Operator: “We will dispatch an ambulance right
away!” Elin: “No, better send a tow truck instead.” [Both the above by me – Dave] * * * * * When asked how the recent car accident/beat down had affected his playing ability, Tiger said, "Well, my long game is still pretty good. I just need to focus on getting my putz down." * * * * * Tiger Woods was a very considerate cheater. He always pulled the pin out of the hole, before he shot… * * * * * Word to the wise golfer - when you stick your tee in foreign turf, you increase the chance you will lose your balls. * * * * * Q: What's the difference between Oscar the Grouch & Tiger Woods? A: One puts his junk everywhere, and the other is a Muppet on Sesame Street... * *
* * * Tiger gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Tip your waitress." Not to mention, "cocktail waitress." * * * * * Mired in scandal, will Tiger do Oprah? I don't really think she's his type, and I really doubt he can pay her off to keep her quiet. * * * * * Tiger Woods walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"Give me a double, my wife just beat me." The bartender says to Tiger, "Yeah, I saw that on the news. That golf club must have hurt." Tigers replies, "No, not that. I mean she beat me getting to the best divorce lawyer in the state!" * * * * * Confucius Say: He who drives well in fairway does not always fair well in driveway. * * * * * Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac
escalade? A: Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards. Just in time for Christmas... A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?" "Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian." "What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. "And what did he say?" pressed the father. "God said, 'Funny you should come to me, I've had a similar problem with my son!'" The National Enquirer prints nothing but the truth! The Obama Administration declared today that the stimulus
package has saved about 650,000 jobs. Right!
I also took an Obama pill and did not gain 30 pounds.
That's the most weight I did not gain in my entire life!
You're skeptical? Can you PROVE I
would not have put on that extra weight? You
say you can't prove a negative? I thought
so. Yep. That Obama pill is the best
thing I've ever had in my life. -- Paul Nathan [Sent by Ken
Barber] Where’s the lollypop guild? So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest
kinda pissed off. because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if
he was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one
thing. Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such." The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother: "Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!" To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off." She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?" The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... ...just follow the yellow dick Toad!" [Stolen from: Grouchy Old Cripple] Deaf Sex Two deaf people get married and during the first week of
marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the
lights out because they can't see each other signing or read lips. After several
nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a
solution while he’s off at work. She writes a note to her husband: “Honey, why don't we
agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex
with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to
have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times. The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife “Great idea, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times.” [This chestnut submitted by Alex Lazarovici, thanks... I
think - Dave] The Tate Family How many members of the Tate family belong to your organization? There is old man Dic Tate, who wants to run everything, while Uncle Ro Tate tries to change everything. Their sister-in-law Agi Tate stirs up plenty of trouble, with help from her husband, Irri Tate. Whenever new projects are suggested, Hesi Tate and his wife Vege Tate,
want to wait until next year. Then there is Aunt Imi Tate, who wants
your organization to be like all the others. Devas Tate provides
the
And of course, there is the black sheep of the family, Ampu Tate, who has cut himself off from the mainstream! But not all the members of the Tate family are bad. Facili Tate is quite helpful. And a delightful, happy member of the family is Miss Felici Tate. Cousins Cogi Tate and Medi Tate are always thinking things over and lend helpful, steady hands. But I kant! I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all
the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have
his legs checked out. For years, he refused. . . told me I was
But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his right. A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans. "So, I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg." He just looked at me and said, . . ."I stand corrected." Das gouda! Q: What did the German bisexual woman do? A: Went down on her Hans and niece. A prayer for the groaner please... I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect to me. And groaner number two is... Milton Berle, affectionately known as "Uncle Miltie", was television's first superstar. Every Tuesday night for twenty years starting in 1948, all commerce would come to a halt on Tuesday nights as everyone found a television set where the family could watch the Texaco Star Theater. But Uncle Miltie had a gambling problem, and in the forties no one had conceived of Gamblers Anonymous for compulsive gamblers. Every week, during rehearsals Berle would play gin rummy between takes and he would always win big. By the time the show aired, he usually had won as much as his weekly salary blitzing his producer. After the show, they would play craps where his luck was always bad, and by the end of the evening, he would have lost everything he had won during the week. Everyone connected with the show knew that Uncle Miltie could certainly handle gin, but invariably, . . . Milton's pair of dice lost.
The Number "5" I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds. Doug's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning. Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day. - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head - I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to start "Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?" I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth." Are you sure it's not bud? A simple recipe for nonalcoholic beer: You need two buckets, one case of normal beer, and a horse... Hey, I think I've been hexed too! An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." Ain't it the truth, ain't it the truth! A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome." She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands." He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please." Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously. The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?" St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day." "Why? Don't they have better things to do?" Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."
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