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[Apologies in advance: Due to my laziness and lack of jokes from my regular sources and contributors, this month's joke page is material previously posted ten years ago, just cut and pasted here. (If you have NOT read the entire archives, and I know most of you have not because you keep sending me the same ones that have already been posted) these will be just as funny as they were a decade ago. Damn, I've been at this a long time! - Dave] The Nudist Colony John joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" John replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. John continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits
down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent,
hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge
John replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins John around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. John rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" John says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..... John replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day! Givenchy Boots There was this Italian walking down the street with a pair of shiny new Givenchy boots. He saw a beautiful woman wearing a miniskirt. He promptly slid his foot under her skirt and asked, "Hey Baby, are you wearing pink underwear?" Embarrassed she replied, "How can you tell the color of my underwear?" The Italian scoffed, "Haha! I can see the reflection in my shiny new Givenchy boots!" She slapped him in the face and stormed off. Undaunted, the Italian walked to another gorgeous woman who happened to be wearing another miniskirt. Again, he slid his foot under her skirt and asked, "Hey baby, are you wearing green underwear?" "Why yes, how can you see the color of my underwear?" Again his reply, "Haha! I can see the reflection in my shiny new Givenchy boots." She promptly slapped him in the face and stormed off. Yet again, the Italian found another gorgeous woman wearing a miniskirt, so he asked, "Hey, Baby - what happened to your underwear?" She asked, "How can you tell I'm not wearing any underwear?" The Italian said, "Oh thank God! I thought I had a crack in my shiny new Givenchy boots!" THIS LAND IS YOUR LAND: NO MORE CANADIAN WINTERS The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!" Q: Why do so many men use dial soap? A: Because dial spelled backwards is extreme happiness. A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog: Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Rancher: "This dog don`t talk!" Cowboy: "Hey dog, how`s it going?" Dog: "Doin alright" Rancher: (Extreme look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)" Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Rancher: (Look of disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Rancher: "Horses don`t talk!" Cowboy: "Hey horse, how`s it goin?" Horse: "Cool." Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How`s he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Rancher: (total look of amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?" Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain`t nothin but liars!!!" Two Italians were sitting in a bus and began an animated conversation. A middle aged woman was sitting behind them as their conversation became loud enough for her to overhear. What she heard was beginning to amuse her and then she heard this: "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." Immediately she jumped up and said "You foul-mouthed swine! In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." Newly weds Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button..." The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid." The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day. 6:00 a.m. The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse..." The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, "You're not sanitary; sex is not sanitary." Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call. 6:30 a.m. The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings
it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door
and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly
combed
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up." Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher's husband will be calling any minute. 4:30 p.m. The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe
it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened
the door, and Joe took a step back in shock. The wore only his boxers
and his
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right!" Q: Know the definition of eternity? A: 4 blonds in 4 cars at a 4-way stop. Q: How do you know when you're living in a really bad neighborhood? A: The church has a bouncer.
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