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Who would have thought the Olympics could be so much fun? * * * * * Chicago’s out? Obama loses bid for Olympics! Will try for Special Olympics next.... [Written by Ken Barber! Visit www.kenbarberphoto.com ] SCIENCE: Climatologists discover reason Chicago really is the Windy City. It's “Honest Abe” whirling around in his grave. [My wife, Elle came up with that one! She also wanted me to read a book too: “Women are from Venus – Men are Wrong” -- Dave Top 10 Reasons Obama Failed to Get Olympics 10. Dead people can’t vote at IOC meetings. 9. Obama distracted by 25 min meeting with Gen. McChrystal. 8. Who cares if Obama couldn’t talk the IOC into Chicago? He’ll be able to talk Iran out of nukes. 7. The impediment is Israel still building settlements. 6. Obviously no president would have been able to accomplish it. 5. We’ve been quite clear and said all along that we didn’t want the Olympics. 4. This isn’t about the number of Olympics “lost”, it’s about the number of Olympics “saved” or “created”. 3. Clearly not enough wise Latina judges on the committee. 2. Because the IOC is racist. And the number one reason… 1. It’s George Bush’s fault. [Forwarded by Ken Barber http://kenbarberphoto.com - Thanks! – Dave] No gov't work... A guy goes into the Post Office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him "Are you a veteran?" The guy says "Why yes, in fact I served two tours in Iraq." "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled: during a battle an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though." "Sorry to hear about the damage but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8:00 to 4:00. Come on in about 10:00 and we'll get you started." The guy says "If working hours are from 8:00 to 4:00, why do you want me to come at 10:00?" "Well, here at the post office we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. You don't need you here for that!" This will make you groan... A man boarded a metro bus. He was surprised by the driver, a bearded man, two
feet tall. He was wearing a strange green uniform and a pointed red hat. He sat
on a pile of pillows to reach the steering wheel. And he kept saying,
"Tick-tock…tick-tock…tick-tock." The man asked another passenger about the driver. The other passenger
explained that the driver was reliable and accident-free. "But why does he keep saying 'tick-tock?'" asked the man. "That's his job," was the reply. "He's a metro-gnome." [Stolen from: Grouch
Old Cripple] I would have said "Dancer, Prancer, Donner..." During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long. [Stolen from: Grouch Old Cripple] Lawyer joke time! * * * * * I'll have to try this one myself... as the old guy! An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown
attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very
complex," said the lawyer, "but I’ve made sure that all of your
wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500." Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call.
Thinking the lawyer had said "For $500," the old man wrote out his
check and left. When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad." * * * * * There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge. * * * * * When a lawyer needs a lawyer A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean when they got to
talking. The lawyer mentioned, "I'm here because my house burned down and
everything got destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for
everything." * * * * * An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something
about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars
for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first
case." He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money." Okay, I'll bite... A man walks into a bar, says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you $50.00 that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender agrees and the guy takes out his glass eye and bites it. Eye being bitten, the bartender has to pay off and the guy leaves. A while later the same guy comes back in and says, “I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender says, “I watched you walk right in here and you definitely aren’t blind, so you’re on.” “You’re right,” says the man, so he takes out his false teeth and bites the other eye! I'd ball her! A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to stare at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" [Stolen from: Grouch Old Cripple]
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