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A notable gynecologist once said: The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. Only it is a pity that the management system is so
temperamental. [Alex Lazarovici – Thanks, I think… - Dave] Missile defense: Czechs angry at Obama for being canceled. [I got this one posted on The Peoples Cube! The next one, understandably, they didn’t post – Note, extreme offence to blacks] Meanwhile, the Poles are still wondering if “renege” is the 2012 Democratic campaign slogan. [But damn funny!] Since the election, have you noticed that the "Women in Black" have become the "Women In-Visible?" And finally... Code Pink and Gordon Brown become marooned in ferry crash. [Geesh, I was on a roll this month!] A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the
next-door neighbor's dog. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this!" She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to
bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been
doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it! [Posted on Grouchy Old Cripple] In the interest of driving safety, I ordered a set of emergency flashing lights at a Democratic Party Fund Raiser to use If I had a breakdown on the highway........ Sure enough I had a flat tire on the interstate & pulled over on the berm to wait for AAA & setup my emergency flashing lights in back of my vehicle to warn traffic. Right away traffic slowed down and people begin to honk their horns and yelled out the window applauding my warning lights. Then a State Trooper pulled up and I could see he was not a happy camper! He wanted to know why I had cardboard cutouts of Ted Kennedy and Barney Frank, which were very lifelike and naked with flashing red lights. I said, “I am surprised you did not recognize my emergency flashers!” Susie knew she had hit the jackpot when she found a
four-leaf clover. Everything went right for her. She found a great boyfriend.
She got a great job. And it hardly ever rained. Then one day, she left the clover in clothes that went to the dry cleaner. It was still there when she retrieved the clothes. But it had been flattened. Her luck immediately turned rotten. She lost her boyfriend and the job. And she was caught in one storm after another. Finally, she complained to her dad. "It's like I always tell you," he said. "Never press your luck!" [Grouchy Old Cripple] After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform for his wife. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few medications, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, “This is all in your mind,” and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits with the psychiatrist, the psychiatrist confesses he cannot figure out what is wrong. The psychiatrist decides to refer him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, “I can cure this!” He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123,’ and it will rise for as long as you wish.” The guy then asks the witch doctor, “What happens when it’s over?” The witch doctor says, “All you or your partner has to say is ‘1234,’ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a full year.” The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, as he is lying in bed with his wife, he says, “123.” Suddenly his penis gets a huge erection. With that, his wife turns over and says, “What did you say ‘123’ for?” A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she’s having an orgasm. “Sure,” she says, “He’s at home taking care of the kids.” A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to sign a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, “Well that’s great. Some asshole’s got my pen.” Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet. Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to
multiply. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. …You see, She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her… So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of sh*t! When my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was “comfortable underwear.” Not sure what she considered comfortable, I asked, “How will I know which ones to pick?” “Hold them up and imagine them on me, “ she answered. “If you smile, put them back.” Beautiful Jersey Girl Three men were talking about their new wives duties. The first man had an Illinois woman and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had a Michigan woman. He had given his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The third had a beautiful Jersey girl. Her new duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are
darker than the rest of the yard. To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. On all your check stubs, write ‘ For Marijuana’ 3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 5. Sing Along At The Opera. 6. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’ 7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling ‘Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’ 8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’ And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity 9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. [Natlamp] Q: What fabric softener does Bernie Madoff use to launder his money? A: Bounce! [Another one of mine - Dave] Old joke worth repeating A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She
accepted the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised
her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,
mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to
threaten her with what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior! Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom
to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs
in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate
them… Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't always as dumb as most folk’s think. Mixed Emotions A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said "Honey, that's a bunch of crap! I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends." [Sent in by Alex Lazarovici – Thanks, Dave] Anna
had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling
her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally
Anna said she'd go out but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied,
"Mom I have someone for you to meet." Well,
it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks
he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their
first night there, she undressed as he did. There
she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he was in his birthday
suit. Looking
her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She
replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to, explore, but down
there I am still mourning." He
knew he was not getting lucky that night. The
following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he
was in his birthday suit... but now he was wearing a black condom. She
looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He
said, "I want to offer my deepest condolences" [Another
sent by Alex Lazarovici - Good one! Thanks, Dave] Yet another "little Johnny" joke The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat
market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got
ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your
chickens
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in the war and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't mess with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking." Won liners When people ask, my wife tells them that she married me for my money.
* * * * * * Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away. * * * * * * Research has found that most husbands never forget the first time they met their wives. It's not for lack of trying though. * * * * * * Q: How is a blonde like a hardware store? A: 10 cents a screw. * * * * * * Q: What's the definition of a virgin lake? A: No women have swam there yet so all the fish still taste like chicken. * * * * * * A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. Timeless form Employee Evaluation
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The 2nd worst pain A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt." This Golf Tastes Funny A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" "It's over here in the pussy willows." The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
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