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Groaner alert! No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery… * * * * * The sheriff was out to get his man. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asked. "What's he look like?" replied a cowboy. "Well," said the sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?" asked the cowboy. Answered the sheriff… "Rustlin'…" * * * * * Drug smugglers were caught moving cocaine through a convent in Italy. * *
* * * This is really disturbing since nuns already have a habit! * *
* * * There was once a handyman who had a dog by the name of Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit. He liked to eat grass, a lot of grass. Nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning. When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun. Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said… "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me."
Bert and Ernie are sitting outside one day. Bert turns to Ernie and asks, "Hey Ernie, wanna go get some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sure Bert." * *
* * * There is a Chinese astronaut who likes to eat dog. He is currently making a beeline to Pluto. * * * * * Its “Lovers Day” at the ballpark, were the guys kiss the gals on the strikes and the gals kiss the guys on the balls. THE CONDUCTOR A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free. Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - "what is it with the bananas?" "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it", replies our friend.
"I'm just a bad conductor."
Must be from the South…A blonde really wanted a pair of alligator shoes, but they cost too much. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!” The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, “Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?” The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back. Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration... “Dang it! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!” Tiger Woods' doctor says the golfer is suffering from an inflamed neck joint that caused him to pull out of the tournament last week. The malady can be treated with medication and massages. Upon learning of the treatment, Tiger began to complain about a sore groin. Elena
Kagan was named President Obama’s choice for the Supreme Court. It’s
not surprising because he’s not the first black man to choose a large white
woman. * * * * * * * If you have any jokes out there that you have not seen in the archives, send them on in! Be sure to ask for another batch of horrible jokes each month, or whenever I get the hell around to it! Sign up for THE UPDATE! Stay ahead of the humor curve with fresh new jokes! Just write to: dave@dontflameme.com Disclaimer: The humor posted here was either written by me, submitted by friends and/or partners, or is being currently circulated around the web without proper credit. I do not claim ownership of any material unless noted. If you are the copyright owner of any material posted here, please contact me immediately and credit will be given and/or material removed - with apologies attached. Original author and copyright holder are listed if known. Feel free to pass this material along, just include all credits.
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